I’m really good at:
“watching tv”
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
“what to eat next”
– from a girl’s dating profile
Tag Archives: television
Deep Sea Research: The Journal of Dr. Jerry Braduly
June 1, 1999
Today I went to Office Depot and bought a notebook. It was a pretty good price, if I do say so myself. A colleague of mine had suggested I get a college-ruled notebook this time, as the wide-ruled paper I had been getting over the years did not allow for sufficient explanation of scientific principles, and often I would take fifteen notebooks explaining one concept and I would get confused in the order or lose whole notebooks at any given time. Somehow I don’t think the college-ruled notebook will help me act smarter but given that Dr. Sandra DeBaer also had suggested the good idea of using paper towels instead of my hand to clean things in my house, maybe this will work better too.
June 18, 1999
My research team, Braduly Research Team, has set up a lab and funding for our next experiment. We have located ourselves to the outskirts of a marina in Long Beach, CA to prepare for excursions out into the ocean. I have selected a team of brave volunteers to deep sea dive into the treacherous depths of Long Beach to accomplish our research goal.
June 19, 1999
Today I brought in three starfish to experiment on. Part of the lofty goal we have chosen to explore will require us to test the electrical resistance of starfish and other sea-life we might encounter during our deep sea dive. Documenting our tests before the first dive will prove to be useful as we will make sure to not be surprised about exploding sea animals.
June 24, 1999
It has been five days since we barbecued starfish. We decided to eat the starfish but they didn’t sit very well with our stomachs and we have been feeling sick for the past five days. We should have just stuck with the Brazilian restaurant down the street. They might take forever to make their food but at least we won’t feel like more starfish are growing in our stomach.
June 30, 1999
The second stage of our pre-dive experiments has been successful. We have acquired thermal shielding for our deep sea scuba gear and are retrofitting our underwater vehicles. We must now plan for the contingency of releasing something we may not want to release. We will be experimenting with the torpedo systems in case any unforeseen terrors arise from beneath the Earth’s crust.
July 4, 1999
Today is July 4th, Independence Day. The beach has been overrun by patriots and their silly showings of nationalism. Nationalism is bad for countries; don’t they know what they are doing to their own country? We are all at base right now waiting for the escapades to end. We watch the silly explosions of chemicals on television, adding to the already existing pollution in our air. They celebrate the birth of a nation by killing the world it is on! It is quite hilarious, really.
July 5, 1999
We have spent the better part of the day re-establishing our communications array that was knocked askew by a rogue firework. I had to call AT&T to come out and look at it, and they said next time they come out they would have to charge us forty dollars because we have equipment attached to our communications systems that we didn’t purchased from them. How does that even make sense? Do they expect us to not use the communications systems that we pay for because we are using computers that aren’t made by them for a problem that isn’t even something that I had control over? Who do they think they are? Our dial-up modems download at five kilobytes a second — it might be fast but we can’t afford to waste any more time than is necessary.
I’ve been a paying customer for 3 years and pay 150 dollars for our phone lines each month. The funding for this experiment will run dry if there are too many more delays.
July 23, 1999
I have just got back from our funding meeting with Hersher & Globula, a multinational candy-making company. Those goobers think they can just cut off my funding with no explanation when I ask for more operatives to take over the marina. Well I got news for them! I am so close to the discovery of what lies beneath the Long Beach Seaquarium, that I will find volunteers to help me – FOR FREE.
July 26, 1999
I’ve posted bulletins up on telephone polls for operatives to help me discover what lies beneath the crust of the Earth. The response has been surprisingly overwhelming and I now have over three hundred volunteers equipped with their own gear and weaponry to put my experiment into motion. The Landrill has completed its final tests and is now ready to begin digging in the whale tank of the Long Beach Seaquarium.
August 12, 1999
It is the first day we have full control of the Long Beach Seaquarium. After we threw out all the marina employees and released the animals into the ocean, we activated the Landrill to begin its long trek into the crust. The 345 security operatives have full control of the marina at this very moment and we are keeping the administration of the marina locked in their offices. They are allowed to resume their daily duties, as we require food to be imported. We may get sick of eating fish that was meant for dolphins and whales, but I do not plan on waiting long for our goal to be accomplished.
August 14, 1999
There have been three incursions to our sanctity by the local law enforcement. Two by land, one by sea. All I will say is that it was a good thing we brought torpedoes. Due to our preparation and strategic location, we have very limited casualties and work on the Landrill goes swimmingly (pun intended).
August 17, 1999
The police chief has agreed to send us daily regiments of pizza to feed my army in exchange for one prisoner. I believe this is a fair trade off, considering this one prisoner is so ridiculously illogical and talks about how she believes in God. Honestly, how can you be a scientist and still believe in that good-for-nothing loser? He is a rapist and a terrorist, and he’s probably guilty of murder.
August 20, 1999
Our quest to find what lies beneath the Earth’s crust is nearly through! We have finally almost hit the edge of the crust with the Landrill. We must be careful now, as the chocolate that lies beneath the Earth’s crust must be cultivated and sold to candy makers at high prices! This will be the biggest discovery mankind has known since I proved that clouds are made of cotton candy!
August 22, 1999
As I write this, I felt it was important to note what evil I have unleashed upon this Earth. There are DEMON CHOCOLATE BUNNIES UNDERNEATH THE MARINA! They have dismembered fifteen of my operatives and our bullets and electricity guns do not harm them. They slowly advance out of the hole created by the Landrill. We are in a pincer attack situation, with Demon Chocolate Bunnies coming from within our position and police advancing from the outside. This situation is hopeless, but when the police discover what is happening, I will be who has the last laugh.
AHAHAHAHhhhAHAHHA
AHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAAh
Quote #22186
::Blare is throwing food in the trash while davepoobond is watching TV::
Blare: Hey. When do you eat?
davepoobond: Huh? “When do I eat?”?
Blare: Yeah. Like, I see you, but I never see you eat.
davepoobond: I dunno.
Blare: Do you?
davepoobond: What? Eat?
Blare: Yeah.
davepoobond: Yeah…
::davepoobond shrugs::
– at davepoobond’s apartment, 6/16/07
Marshmallow Cosby
You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. By now it is only common sense that Bill Cosby loves marshmallows. From their milky white texture to the way they feel like toxic sludge when you put them in your mouth, marshmallows are incomparable to any other food in the world. Even spaghetti, believe it or not. But I bet you haven’t heard of the escapades Bill has been through involving the fluffy, tasty creations.
The year was 1994 AD. Bill’s ego was riding high from the incredible, overwhelming sucess of The Cosby Mysteries. He was taking his daily jog through the park, listening to Fats Domino on his new TalkBoy. His head bob-a-dob-dobbed and his knees rat-a-tat-tatted rhythmically to the quick tumpa-tumpa of his heartbeat.
I know what you’re thinking: “This isn’t your ordinary run-of-the-mill slow paced yet healthy jog for Mr. Cosby!” Well, you’re right! Bill had marshmallows on the mind, and after the stroll he headed straight for the supermarket. Holding his basket out like a collection plate, he swept all of the bags of marshmallows he could find in, even the generic brands.
Before he could make his way to the counter, he was grabbed from behind and pulled into the employee restroom. “Get your hands off the Cosb!” shouted Bill, but this didn’t stop the assailant from sitting Bill in the sink and gluing his arms to the mirror with a hot glue gun that must’ve been conveniently placed in the bathroom. Bill hadn’t been in this much trouble since Malcolm Jamal-Warner caught him eating his crescent rolls.
“Mr. Cosby, with all due respect, if you keep eating those marshmallows by the fistful, you’ll be too large for TV!” Bill’s reply to this was his trademark rolling of the eyes, complete with laugh track. “Now see here,” Bill said. “It’s not like I’m eating delicious Jello Puddin’ Pops, they’re harmless little tufts of puff! Please, please, PLEASE feed me some, right now!” Bill opened his mouth wide and wiggled his tongue around, waiting to be treated. He was treated to a hard slap in the face. Bill looked at the man angrily. “Hey hey hey!” he roared in an enraged Fat Albert voice.
Their bickering eventually led to the signing of a pact; Bill was not allowed to eat marshmallows ever again. Bill did not jog home that day, he walked. His head did not bob-a-dob-dob and his knees did not rat-a-tat-tat. His TalkBoy ate his Fats Domino tape, but he didn’t care.
The first couple of weeks under the rule went surprisingly well, almost to the point of Bill forgetting about the snack he once treasured. But one day on his way to the flea market, he saw something that would forever change his life: the Hosebush Marshmallow Company was trying to create the world’s largest Marshmallow in the park he regularly jogged in. Bill immediately fell to his knees and starting bowing, claiming it as his new god.
The man who had made him sign the pact was there, however. He knew this was going to happen. “Listen to me, Bill. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, your career is on the line!” he begged. Bill grabbed the pact out of his hands and shoved it in his mouth. He chewed on it loudly and spit it back in the man’s face. The man started bawling into his hands and ran off, screaming “This is the end of Cosby as we know it!” “It’s MINE!” Bill shouted. He started pushing and elbowing people out of his way, growling with excitement.
He grabbed the side of the giant marshmallow and began clawing his way up. The people that had worked so hard making the marshmallow were running around, yelling at each other in frustration. Bill reached the top and ripped off his shirt. He slapped his belly a few times for good measure and dove down head first into the concoction. He started to tunnel his way down the center, using only his mouth and perfect set of choppers. “There go his canines,” thought the local dentist worriedly as he looked on.
In mere minutes, the entire marshmallow was devoured. Bill was so full, he couldn’t move. He was so big that when he rolled his eyes, it sounded like thunder. TV executives rushed in and handcuffed him, then hauled him off to be locked away in the NBC Fat Camp for two years.
During the years he spent trying to work off his fat, Bill was replaced on television by none other than Ray Romano, who covered himself with black ash to conceal his identity. If you look closely at footage from those years, you can faintly make out his Jewish chin. Ray also later played the role of Darlene on the series finale of “Roseanne.”
At last, in the spring of 1996, Bill was back and better than ever! Although the thought of another marshmallow binge was very tempting for him, he knew what it would do if it happened again. To this very day, every time Bill sees a bag of them, he grimaces in a way that makes him look sort of like a cross between GW Bush and Robert De Niro, with maybe a hint of Queen Elizabeth. This is a very ugly sight and Bill knows it, so he tries his best to stay away from the tempting morsels.
America loves Bill, and I’m sure you have your hand on your heart right now, saluting that he had the strength and willpower to fight his deadly addiction. I hope you have learned a lesson, and that you yourself do not become a “Marshmallow Cosby.”
THE END
Knights of Mayhem (TV Show) Review
Channel: National Geographic Channel
A show about jousting. Doesn’t get much more exciting than that. Except maybe shows about pinball, cake walks, knitting, and the pawn shop show with that delightful Chumlee!
Knights of Mayhem follows jousting captain and “World Champion” Charlie Andrews as he dons a full set of metal armor and gets medieval (literally) on the other couple of people that engage in this idiotic activity.
Charlie is apparently very experienced and has given up everything, including his family, to do this for a living. This proves that he has major priority problems and various mental disorders, possibly stemming from seeing his paw get runned over by horses as a child.
I don’t care who you are, what you look like, how long you’ve been doing it, whatever. If you’re a grown man wearing armor and hitting other men with sticks, you’re a jackass.
What happened to National Geographic? When I was a kid it was all about half naked African women riding elephants. I guess a good thing can’t last forever. I give this show a THUMBS DOWN.
Anti-Barney the Dinosaur Song #21944
I love you
You love me
Barney’s the best thing on TV
So don’t diss him cause he’s really really cool
If you saw him naked then you’d drool!
Looking Back At: Oh Minseok the Rebel Korean
One of the few things I think seriously about is spam e-mail. Not only do people actually spend the time to write out huge paragraphs as some random African country’s prince – which is called role playing where I come from (The Internet), sometimes you’ve got to wonder about whether or not a few of these “situations” may in fact be real.
Let us hark back to Oh Minseok.
I got a spam mail once that wasn’t trying to sell me anything. It wasn’t trying to convince me to give my social security number to get a million hot dogs shipped to me from Uruguay, although I would seriously contemplate the prospect – this spam mail I got was about how Korean electronics companies were trying to kill him and how he needed help because they were hacking him and essentially trying to stab him through the computer screen.
Now, there are likely two possibilities that had made this e-mail come about.
One, he is an insane paranoid Korean who somehow learned English (but obviously not very well) and somehow got access to a mailing list with a million people on it, one of those being me.
Or, second, he actually is trying to be killed by Samsung. I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if they are insane, so I honestly think he is trying to be killed by Samsung because Samsung is involved in crimes and is paying off police to not investigate them. Not only that, but they’re in collusion with Hyundai!
Sounds plausible, right? I certainly think so.
I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to piss Samsung off, considering you could fart in their plasma television screens and piss into their liquid crystal vats. That’s probably what Oh Minseok did. And Hyundai probably bought a lot of those little LCD screens from Samsung to put into their stupid cars and were none too pleased to see piss ooze out of the screens.
So, whoever this Oh Minseok guy is, I’m sure he’s probably dead because someone he spammed this to tracked him down and sold his location to Samsung. I think the last thing I’d ever do if I were being hunted down by a corporation that ignores the world’s laws and can apparently pay off any police force it feels like would be to post across the whole internet that they are trying to kill me.
Classic Chris Pirillo
I used to watch TechTV back in the early 00s before it was made into that god awful G4 channel that has somehow kept limping around and not getting shut down.
One of the more peculiar personalities was this guy who ran the Call for Help show where rednecks from the south would call in and ask how to reboot their computers, or in this case, about spam… on the internet. Oh, is that Morgan Webb coming in to save the producer’s ass? I think so.
Quote #21121
Kid: “Mom! There’s a talking potato with a hat and a coat with no mouth on the TV.”
Mom: “Don’t worry, its educational television. Its good.”
– from the TV
Quote #21108
“…but no cancer?”
“no cancer”
“ah! its a miracle” ::cries::
– from the TV
Quote #21083
(Moe is hooked up to lie detector)
Eddie: “Do you hold a gudge against Montgomery Burns?”
Moe: “No. [buzz] Alright, maybe I did but I didn’t shoot him. [ding]”
Eddie: “Checks out. OK, sir, you’re free to go.”
Moe: “Good, cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] Uh, a date. [buzz] Dinner with a friend. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] Alright! I’m gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [buzz] (pauses) Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already please?! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21082
Marge: “Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?”
Homer: “Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of HIS life. He said I was an accident. He didn’t want to have me.”
Marge: “You didn’t want to have Bart.”
Homer: “I know, but you’re never supposed to TELL the child!”
Marge: “You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.”
Homer: “But when I do it, it’s cute!”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21081
Very Fat Homer: “Why won’t you give me my dignity? I just want to see Honk if You’re Horny in peace!”
Sarcastic Man: “Hey, I got a movie for you! A Fridge Too Far!”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21080
Ned: “How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, ‘think’?”
Homer: “You mean Lisa?”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21079
Bart: “Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?”
Homer: [reverently] “Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.”
Ned: [gasps] “Wait! Homer, what did you just say?”
Homer: “I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!”
– from The Simpsons