Conan – The Epic

Cast:

Conan – elmoisfurry

Ninja Dave – davepoobond

Misc. chars (colin and dave)


Scene 1(“grassy field”)

Narrator (deep voice): we join our hero, Conan the Barbarian in a great battle!

(Conan is fighting against a bunch of guys as he runs down the road)

Conan: har har! Get down!

(Conan ducks as Ninja Dave swipes over his head with a punch)

(Conan stabs him and he falls. He is laying on the floor)

Conan: who ah you? Who sent you?

Ninja Dave: you’ll never find out, Conan! You are already dead!

Conan: what? What do you mean?

Ninja Dave: I mean…

(Ninja Dave disappears)

Conan: what? What is this?

(Conan picks up a naked Barbie)

Ninja Dave: ahahahaha! I turned into a naked Barbie doll, so you’ll never find out the truth-hey don’t touch me th-

(Conan throws him on the ground, and swipes at him. The doll turns back into Ninja Dave)

Ninja Dave: we must Kung Fu Fight!

(Ninja Dave and Conan start fighting)

Ninja Dave: you are a formidable foe but can you withstand my high flying punch from….yeah…

(Ninja Dave slaps Conan really hard)

Conan: ow! I don’t think so…!

(Conan takes a slice, in slow motion at Ninja Dave’s head, and he misses)

Conan: how did you do that?

(Ninja Dave takes out his small bat)

(the camera is in front of Ninja Dave, and Ninja Dave “strikes at it,” making it seem like it was Conan, and he falls to the ground)

(fade out)

(end)

 

Trash Can Betty

(Betty is on a street corner, “hiding” in a trash can)

Betty: I hope no one finds me in here

(Betty stays in the trash can the whole night)

Betty: well, I guess no one was looking for me

(audience laughs, because he has a banana peel on his head)

(the next morning, he is still in the trash can, sleeping. You can hear snoring inside the trash can)

(a garbage truck comes along, which sounds like his snoring in the trash can, so the Garbage Man doesn’t know Betty is in there, and he dumps him into the garbage truck. Betty falls in with a big thump, and the garbage truck’s hatch closes up)

(Betty wakes up)

Betty: where am I? Did the trash can get bigger? Or did I shrink?

(audience laughs because he’s so stupid)

(5 hours later, the garbage truck ends up at the dump, and he’s dumped in the middle of nowhere)

Betty: oh great. Now what?

(audience laughs)

Betty: where’s all that laughing coming from?

(Betty looks around and then shrugs)

(Betty sees a huge hill of garbage)

Betty: I wonder, what’s up there?

(Betty climbs up halfway – when a huge bulldozer appears out of nowhere, coming straight at Betty!)

(audience laughs as Betty runs for his life down the mountain of garbage)

(Betty trips and falls head first into a toilet, tipping it over, making it so that he is on top of the toilet, with his head in the bowl)

(Betty takes his head out of the toilet, looking over the bowl at the bulldozer coming straight at him. All of a sudden, a washing machine flies out of nowhere and blows up the bulldozer)

Betty: whoa! What was that?

(Betty looked at where the washing machine came from, and he got a horrified look on his face)

Betty: oh no! GARBAGE PEOPLE!

(10 scantily clad garbage people wearing trash can suits with sharpened TV antennas and trash can lids for shields came up to him)

Garbage person 1: who are you?

Betty: I’m Betty. I don’t know how I got here

Garbage person 3: It was the Gods! I swear it! They drive their trucks down here and throw away the people they don’t want! Just like Mr. Teddums here.

(Garbage person 3 pets a teddy bear that has its bottom half cut off)

Garbage person 7: we were once just like you. Alone, and afraid in the truck, and being chased down by those mechanical brooms!

Betty: riiighht….

(audience laughs)

Garbage person 10: are you laughing at us!?

Betty: me? Of course not…I’m gonna go home now, bye.

Garbage people: bye

(audience laughs)

(end)

 

Bye Bye Family

(the family finds out they have a genetic disorder that runs through the family)

Dad: great, just great

Mom: boo!

Kid: ahhhh!

(everyone gets medical tests and have found out they got a bad genetic disorder and are bedridden for life, and a tremendous strain on their family’s financing)

(end)

 

High Ho Diggity

a room. there are two men. one man (barney) is wearing a black trenchcoat. the other (billy joe bob bobert francisca fregadero sardine the 6th) is a very fat man wearing pink spandex.

billy joe: i want youto do this thingfor me. it is very important to my family.

barney: yeah, i see what i can do.

billy joe: you must! i die if this doesnt go well!!

barney: yeah, well, them’s the breaks.

billy joe: i die! don’t you see??

barney: gotta die sometime.

billy joe: but i’m only 10!

barney: yeah, but you gotta be at least 300 pounds!

billy joe: look, i’m payin you to do this, so just do it!

barney: fine.

alleyway. dark. barneyis singing a song he just made up.

barney: dum de dum dum. jus waitin for da guy i’m gonna KILLLLLLL with my flamethroWAH… (a pause) nah nah nah… (a pause) i’m hungry…

a guy walks bythe alley. he’s really old and fat.

barney: not so fast there victim!

guy: what?

barney: dieeeee!!! (uses flamethrower to kill the guy) yay, now i can go get my money!

back in the first room.

barney: ok i’m done, gimme my money!

billy joe: what are you talking about? and where have you been? you said you had to go to the bathroom.

barney:well, anyway, i still killed an old fat guy, so i want my money.

billy joe: what?

barney: the mission.

billy joe: i told you to open this can of beans!

barney: ……..so……..?

billy joe: argh, i crapped my pants.

barney: really? ewwww!! why?

billy joe: it’ something i do when i’m very angry.

barney: and you’re fat!

billy ooe: what does that have to do with anyth–

billy joe is cut off by barney’s flame thrower, which barney was using on billy joe. this is why billy joe stopped talking in the middle of a word.


stimpyismyname: im not done with this one….

(but who knows if it’ll actually get finished…?)

 

What To Do About Mrs. Larkin: Operation Dump the Chump

Scene 1: Discussion

Mr. Rogers: That Mrs. Larkin, she’s a weird one…

Officer Squank: I really think that Mrs. Larkin is very, very, very, very, very, veerrryy “strange”

Officer Fuzzy: Yes, she’s veeerrryyy weird

Mr. Rogers: Maybe you should go do something about it

Officer Squank: NAAAH!

Officer Fuzzy: She used to be not so weird

Officer Squank: Yep…

Mr. Rogers: I liked her…

Officer Fuzzy: WHAT?!

Mr. Rogers: Uhh, sorry. Never mind…

Officer Fuzzy: Her husband, Roger, died in a car accident. A stupid tree fell on him. He shoulda seen it coming! You gotta be an idiot to not see a tree falling down and just go on like a regular day. Ever since that she has been weird. Oh well…

Mr. Rogers: Quack! …Excuse me!

Officer Squank: She has a messy garden

Officer Fuzzy: Garden? What garden? I thought that was a jungle….oh uh….yes, she does, I guess…I wonder if there are any mangos in there….mmm mangos…..

Mr. Rogers: I hate gardens……yes

Officer Fuzzy: She’s a nut, now. A nut that stays in a stupid jung….er garden the whole day!

Mr. Rogers: I like asparagus…yes

Officer Squank: Oh…

Mr. Rogers: Wanna know….a secret….yes

Officer Squank: Sure…fine….whatever

Mr. Rogers: I’m her husband…yes

(Officer Squank gasps)

Scene 2: The Truth Unvealed

Mr. Rogers: She was annoying…yes

Officer Fuzzy: I thought you were dead!

Mr. Rogers: Well…no…I actually cut down the tree, so that the tree could fall down on her….but I just happen to be in the car at the wrong time…..I tried to dump the chump, they call “my wife”….yes

Officer Squank: I thought you were actually happy being with the nut

Mr. Rogers: Well, I was, when she was actually active, but when she got to be an old hag, I had to “dump the chump.” I could get some other fresh meat…or, to you, girls….yes

Officer Squank: You suck

Mr. Rogers: No, I don’t. I want to fly! Fly, fly, fly, fly, FLY!!!

(Mr. Rogers goes over and jumps off a cliff)

Officer Squank: Well, I guess he’s dead now….

Officer Fuzzy: Yeah, I guess

Officer Squank: Want some donuts? Maybe we can hold up a donut shops with our guns

(Officer Squank holds his gun up and starts laughing)

Officer Squank: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

(end)

 

A Tale Of Two Sukas

act 1 scene 1

good evening. my name is mr. important. i will be the narrorator for this play you are now reading. (i say reading, because there is no way someone would actuallymake a play out of this.) our play opens in a nice green pasture that smells of feces. in it are two men, bubba the chartoff (the chartoff were an old race who first invented the modern computer, until they realized it was actually just a pile of feces thatwere very commmon at the time) and wendel, the cinnamon toast crunch guy.

bubba: its nice to see you again, wendel.

wendel: likewise, my dear chap.

bubba: i think its time we ditched this crap hole–

wendel: ah, feceshole would be more propper.

bubba: right, whatever, but this place sucks. it smells like cra– i mean feces allthe time, and we don’t even know where the frikken smell is comin from!!

wendel: yes, quite right.

bubba: so whadda say? wanna go to the city?

wendel: yes, i think its hightime we went medeval on these city slickers.

bubba: well, that, or we could get a steady job and save up for a nice house in the burbs…

(a pause)

wendel: are you gay?

bubba: no, i just thought we could talk to people and make some friends instead of just going medeval on anyone we meet.

wendel: yeah, maybe, but it doesn’t sound as fun.

bubba: we could play some more nes…

wendel: nah, i’m sickof duck hunt.

bubba: well we don’t have to play duck hunt. i’ve got over 300 games, WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY DUCK HUNT???

wendel: ….wanna play mario?

bubba: hell no! lets go to the city and kick some ass!

wendel: now yer talkin!

(fade out)

act 1 scene 2

music starts playing “how many people wanna kick some ass” (i’m sorry if you’ve never heard it.) while bubba and wendel “suit up”.

bubba: (singing) how many people wanna kick some ass?

wendel:(also singing) i do! i do!

 

Pikachu vs. Britney Spears

Pikachu is gonna marry Britney. They go to there house and get in their limo. They drive off. Britney brings out a Staryu with no glass. Pikachu starts screaming PIKA!! CHUUU!

Spears: But we need the glass for our sliding glass door.

Pikachu: CHUUU!

Pikachu chases her into McDonalds where Daryll Strawberry is standing on the counter and throws a few chicken nuggets at Pikachu. Then the Bucaneers football team comes in with jugs of cold coffee.

Spears: Look it’s the star-bucks!

They spill it because Ross Perot comes in hitting all he player with a 20 pound fish. A bunch of Vaporeons come and Carmen Electra gives them Spicy Doritos for pushing Pikachu into the burger machine. Then Pikachu blows his nose on one. Funny Bunny Wunnie comes and gives it to a car with Dennis Rodman, Ricky Martin, Madonna, and the chairman of Empre Rittle University.

Ricky Martin jumps out of the car with two supersized cup of sugar. He’s got the sugar inside of of him!

The New Radicals come in on a magic carpet.

New Radicals: Don’t give up you got the sugar in you!

Ricky Martin: Cup of Life OLEY OLEY OLEY!

A bomb blew up and everyone turned pink and started doing the macarena into NASA. They flew to Outer Space where they momboed to Mars.

 

Boy Bands

One day the Weird Owl, Dude 1, Mimicing Mike, a Golden Retriever, and Supermouse dressed up as the Backstreet Boys. Weird Owl was Kevin, Dude1 was Howie, Mimicing Mike was Brian, the Retriever was Nick, and Supermouse was AJ. They went to New York on the streets.

The Weird Owl ran into McDonalds. No one followed. DUde 1, Supermouse, and Mimicing Mike all did the same. The dog went in and 1,000,000 screaming fans chased him through the streets.

Dude 1: This really stinks!

Supermouse: Yeah it does!

Mimicing Mike: Let’s make human boritos!

So Mike rapped himself up in a tortia. Then he hopped to a meat factory. He jumped in a meat pile. Everyone started eating him. Wait a sec. Here comes The Golden Retriever and his fans. STAMPEDE! The camera is dropped, then squashed.

 

A Bum and His Beer Bottle

Setting:  A street suggests a curb.  A bum is sitting on it.  whee.  I am a horse.


Boy:  Hey mister bum!

Bum:  ::farts::  Hi kid  ::burp!::

Boy:  You sure are fucked up.  I bet you could use some money.

Bum:  Mraph!

Boy:  I’ve got 300 dollars!  I’m gonna get some can-dah!

Bum:  Get me some.

Boy:  What?

Bum:  I want some of the candy you get.

Boy:  That’s not what you said.

Bum:  Get me some.

Boy:  I said – that’s not what you said

Bum:  Mraph!!

Boy:  What the hell was that?!

Bum:  Go away

Boy:  It’s a free country!  AH HA HA HA!!!

(Bum throws a broken beer bottle at the boy’s crotch)

Boy:  OW!  #$#*$%@#*!!!  YOU GET NO CANDY!!!