Quote #22183

::Test day for Comm 233.  During the test, the moderately attractive girl smacks her gum in the quiet room fairly loudly.  During which, she also writes very hard on the paper and you can hear every single stroke of the pencil and pen she used.  Afterwards, at work… ::

davepoobond: Geez, I did kinda bad on the test.  I didn’t even know we had a test until I turned and asked the guy sitting next to me.

Ely Munaz:  hahaha!

davepoobond: And this girl next to me was chewing her gum really loudly the whole time.  As much as I liked hearing the noises coming from her mouth for about 10 seconds, it got annoying real fast.

::Ely Munaz laughs again::

davepoobond: And she wrote really hard on the paper, too.  It was like a flamethrower under her pencil.  FWOOOOSH FWOOOOSH FWWOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!

– at davepobond’s job, 6/10/07

 

Quote #22149

This entry is part 17 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

::davepoobond is at the register and is doing something with a void slip (a piece of paperwork saying why a transaction was canceled).  It was fairly important.::

Female Customer: Can I pay for this here?

::A male customer walks up next to her::

davepoobond: Ummmm… sureeeeeee, but I’m doing something right now.

::davepoobond sidesteps to the other end of Customer Service as Maria Sweden steps over to the register.  She proceeds to smack davepoobond on the shoulder for not ringing up the girl::

Male Customer: GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE MAN, GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE.  Way to do your job.

::davepoobond just shrugs and resumes to try to look busy doing the void slip::

Later…

Maria Sweden: Did you know that guy?

davepoobond: No…

Maria Sweden: You didn’t?

davepoobond: Never seen that guy before in my life.

Maria Sweden: Seriously?  That was pretty cheeky to have done that…

davepoobond: Cheeky?

Maria Sweden: Yeah, cheeky, you don’t know what cheeky means?

::davepoobond rolls his eyes::

– at davepoobond’s job, 5/30/2007

If you don’t get the joke, Maria didn’t know what cheeky meant herself.  The definition of “cheeky” is “impudent or irreverent, typically in an endearing or amusing way.”

 

Cashier Lesson – Ways to Torture Cashiers

This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

Let’s say you are in a supervisory position over cashiers.  Typically supervising is a boring and monotonous exploit.  Babysitting other people to make sure they’re doing their job correctly can bring out the worst in people, especially when you do it day in and day out.

Why not put a little sadistic fun into your life by torturing the people you are supervising?  Here’s a few suggestions:

1. Funneling customers to one cashier’s register (or just away from you).

Nothing says “I’m lazy” more than rejecting any customer that comes your way.  But there’s a reasoning behind that.  It’s because you want that stupid cashier with the tacky blonde highlights or that other cashier with the excessively form-revealing biking shirt (can anyone say man boobs?) to have pleasure of taking another customer after the one they’re already ringing up.  Who says you need to endure the crappy money jokes customer’s always seem to think are funny when you can just deflect them to the next guy?

2. Musical registers.

Nothing wipes the hopeful look on a about-to-close-out cashier’s face than to make them close-out later by switching them to a register that closes later.  The best part about it, is that its all random and “pre-ordained to fate” because they chose a bad number.  To set up a game of musical registers, write the names of the registers on a piece of paper and cut them out.  Fold them up and then toss them into a small box or cup or something like that and have the cashiers draw a piece of paper.  These papers will tell them where to go for their registers, and if you’re lucky you’ll have a situation where a cashier who was happy they were about to close closes last and an overzealous cashier cheers that they get to close first instead of last.  Then you can revel in the pain of the cashier who just had the power play to being put into the penalty box.

3. Inventory.

Nothing is more sadistic than forcing people to count millions of Scantrons, pens, pencils, sweaters, or large amounts of random shit for hours on end.  If you get a chance, make sure they count the roundabout fixture full of dusty stickers that look alike.

4. Stare at them.

Nothing will make a cashier more uncomfortable than getting every move they make scrutinized upon by their superior.  When they mess up, you can stare at them even harder and make grunting noises and tell them they’re doing something wrong with little to no explanation.  You’re doing your job, after all.

5. Leave them with no change.

Oh, the cashier just called for pennies?  I think you should wait another twenty minutes and let them sweat a little.  Especially since they called for change five minutes ago and conveniently didn’t tell you they are about to run out of pennies.  Leave it to them to explain to customers why they don’t have three pennies to give back for change.

6. Mindless policies.

Making up policies that do not make any sense is a subtle way to make life hard for a cashier.  Nothing pains the soul more than to have needless red tape and hurdles to jump over to do even the simplest of things.  Need some more ones?  How about you fill out a cash request form which you will evaluate the reasoning for before getting the money?  How about requiring extraneous, useless information on checks to make the transaction take longer, and if they forget something, then you can punish them for doing so.

This requires some creativity, obviously.  Just think up the most ass backwards ways to frustrate your employees and execute.

7. Hidden supplies.

If a cashier is able to easily get the pens, pencils, staplers, or whatever they need easily, then you fail at torturing them.  You need to make sure that any of the office supplies they may require to finish transactions are in hard to reach or practically inaccessible areas.  Make sure these supplies are always a few steps away and limit the amount of efficiency they can possibly have by maximizing the annoyance factor.  Make sure the stapler is on the other side of the room from the pens and pencils.  Why would you ever want them to be in the same place?  It’s not like you want anything to be convenient for anyone.

 

Quote #21037

“YOU WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT YOU PROCESS! What do we mean by process? It’s simple…

FIRST: You will neatly fold the provided pre-printed single-sided (8 1/2 by 11 inch) pamphlets into thirds [The pamphlet that you will be processing will be provided to you and will be printed on regular 20 lb. (8-1/2 by 11) inch paper].

SECOND: You will neatly insert the folded pamphlets into the provided pre-addressed, postage paid envelopes [These envelopes will be mailed directly to your home or apartment with customers’ names & addresses already printed on the envelopes along with postage already affixed to the envelopes].

THIRD: Lick and seal these envelopes and then drop them back into the regular US Mail, directly out to the customers.

It’s that simple!”

– from a spam e-mail

 

Joke #18724: Garbage In, Garbage Out

LONDON – What’s the old saying…I don’t know if it’s art, but I like it!

A cleaning lady at London’s Tate Britain art gallery clearly didn’t know the creation she was throwing away was art…but we can hardly blame her because what she was throwing away was trash.

German artist Gustav Metzger’s work consisted of cardboard and paper wrapped in a plastic see-through trash bag.

When the cleaning lady came in at night and saw a bag of trash sitting on the floor she threw it in the dumpster.

Imagine the artist’s chagrin when he came in the next morning and found his ‘piece’ missing. But all’s well that ends well. The trash was dug out of the trash and put back on display, only a little worse for wear.

 

The Pig Test

You have only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.

1. Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.

2.  Don’t look at the results before you have drawn the pig.

3.  DON’T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING THE PIG!

Okay, are you ready? Oink, let’s start. Scroll to the bottom for the results after you drew a pig.

Pig Test Results

If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient and suspicious.

If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded, sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot of risks.

If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.

If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold on to your plans.

If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.

The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen to other people — the bigger the better…

And finally the pig’s tail should tell you something about your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the… what, forgot the tail? No, it’s absolutely impossible to do the test again.

 

Joke #18600

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”