Tag Archives: music

Suing America: The Notes

These notes were used to write dave’s essay, called Suing America: A Synopsis of Events in File Sharing to the Present Day. There were 8 pages of notes, and not all had been used in the actual essay. If you want to get yourself educated about the RIAA suing people and file sharing in general, visit all the sites and sources listed in the notes here, as well as reading these articles, written by davepoobond (as they will at least give you a better idea than knowing nothing about the topic):

For File Sharing:

File Sharing and the RIAA Theory

Suing America: A Synopsis of Events in File Sharing to the Present Day

Against File Sharing:

The File Sharing Debate: Against File Sharing

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“Recording Industry Begins Suing P2P File Sharers Who Illegally Offer Copyrighted Music Online.” 5 October 2003 <www.riaa.com>

  • The RIAA will agree to not sue P2P users who voluntarily pledge to stop distributing music illegally, by wiping their hard drives clean of all illegal music, and promise to never share or download any illegal music again.
  • RIAA is going to focus on suing offenders who have been illegally distributing substantial amounts of music, averaging more than 1,000 copyrighted music files.
  • Public awareness that it is illegal to make copyrighted music available online for others to download has risen sharply in recent months.
  • 61% of those polled in August admitted they knew sharing copyrighted music was illegal, up from 54 in July, and 37 in early June.
  • RIAA promotes switching from downloading free music illegally, to a paid service, downloading legally.
  • The RIAA has worked closely with the university community to combat piracy.
  • RIAA sent more than four million Instant Messages since May directly to infringers on Kazaa and Grokster.
  • Users are not anonymous when they illegally offer copyrighted music.
  • RIAA member companies filed copyright infringement claims against 261 individual file shares on October 5, 2003.
  • Illegal filesharing robs songwriters and recording artists of their livelihoods, and also undermines the future of music itself by depriving the industry of the resources it needs to find and develop new talent.
  • Illegal filesharing threatens the jobs of tens of thousands of less celebrated people in the music industry, from engineers and technicians to warehouse workers and record store clerks.
  • The music industry has made music available to a wide range of authorized online subscription, streaming, and download services legally and inexpensively on the Internet.
  • It is illegal to make available for download copyrighted works without permission of the copyright owner.
  • RIAA is suing only after a multi-year effort to educate the public about the legality of unauthorized downloading and noted they have made music available in high-quality, low cost, legitimate services.
  • All the industries are failing because of file sharing, from CD packers to guitar players

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“Why Are the RIAA Suing Individuals for P2P File Sharing?” 5 October 2003 <www.filesharingwatch.com>

  • The sharing of MP3 files started long before Napster got popular in 1999.
  • During the second half of the 1990’s people shared MP3 files with friends using CDs and local area networks.
  • Modem Internet connections aren’t built for serious file sharing.
  • When broadband got popular in offices in 1998/1999, the infrastructure of P2P programs was in place.
  • The success of Napster was due to selection and ease-of-use.
  • Napster kick started P2P file sharing.
  • The music industry hasn’t been able to shut down the developers of file sharing programs.
  • The RIAA and MPAA’s first strategy were to go after the companies operating the file sharing networks, this caused the destruction of Napster.
  • After Napster, a bunch of other companies that offered new file sharing programs such as Morpheus, Gnutella, Kazaa, WinMX, and Audiogalaxy, had a central design that made it so that the companies didn’t host central lists of files on the P2P network.
  • The RIAA sued companies developing the new generation of file sharing software, and lost several cases.
  • The reason the RIAA lost several cases was that file sharing programs have non-infringing uses and as the developers of the post-Napster programs didn’t control the P2P networks, they weren’t to be held accountable for what the users shared on the networks.
  • The RIAA can’t stop illegal file sharing by suing the software companies making the software, and the only option was to go after individuals sharing copyrighted files directly.
  • By suing individual users, the RIAA hopes that it will scare consumers away from the P2P networks, and make them worse.
  • The Digital Millennium Copyright Act is used by the RIAA to get information about individuals with illegal music relatively cheap, without going through the courts first, and makes it possible to talk about thousands of lawsuits against file sharers.
  • The RIAA isn’t suing large numbers of file sharers to get millions of dollars form the file sharers in damages, its to scare all users to the extent that they stop sharing files on public P2P networks.
  • By scaring people off the P2P networks, worse file sharing networks make legal online music services more appealing.
  • The RIAA is hoping to kill public P2P networks by suing individual users.
  • The RIAA hopes that some people will abandon downloading songs and buy more CDs or subscribe to an online music service instead.
  • Napster lost in court because it kept a central list of files shared.

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“Who is the RIAA Suing?” 5 October 2003 <www.nwfusion.com>

  • Sen. Norm Coleman, chairman of the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, asked the RIAA to explain just how it was targeting recipients for the more than 1,000 subpoenas the group has sent out in its quest to quash file trading.
  • The RIAA explained that the RIAA is in now way targeting “de minimis” users, but only gathering evidence and preparing lawsuits only against individual computer users who are illegally distributing a substantial amount of copyrighted music.
  • Plain folks, kids, grandparents, low-level file traders across the country are getting subpoenas.
  • By targeting small time file traders, the RIAA is probably hoping that panicked parents will scrub the hard drives of MP3s.
  • The RIAA has refused to define what it considers a substantial amount of music.
  • Coleman said he was pleased with the RIAA response.
  • Coleman has admitted to downloading music off the original Napster service and should be asking whether he himself deserves to be dragged into court and fined thousands of dollars.
  • The subpoenas will simply continue to make music fans angry, further reducing the chance that they will be willing to purchase overpriced music from officially sanctioned sites blessed by the music industry.

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“Charter Sues to Block RIAA from Getting Names.” 7 October 2003 <www.reuters.com>

  • Charter Communications Inc. said it has sued the recording industry to block it from getting names of its customers for alleged song-swapping on the Internet.
  • Charter sued the RIAA, after the RIAA issued subpoenas for identities of about 150 of its customers.
  • Charter considers their relationship with their customer to be their most important responsibility, and they’ve exercised their legal right to protect the legitimate interests of their customers and their own interests.
  • The RIAA filed suits against 261 individuals in September.
  • The RIAA says the subpoenas complied with the 1998 Digital Millennium Copyright Act.
  • Verizon and SBC Communications have also gone to court to challenge the industry’s interpretation of the law, which they say violates due-process and free-speech rights and threatens privacy.

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“RIAA Wants to Hack Your PC.” 7 October 2003 <www.wired.com>

  • The RIAA wants the right to hack into your computer and delete your stolen MP3s.
  • The RIAA tried to glue this hacking-authorization amendment onto a mammoth anti-terrorism bill that Congress approved last week.
  • The RIAA drafted amendment would immunize all copyright holders, including the movie and e-book industry, for any data losses caused by their hacking efforts or other computer intrusions that are reasonably intended to prevent electronic piracy.
  • The RIAA has abandoned plans to insert it into the anti-terrorism bills, instead is supporting a revised amendment that takes a more modest approach.
  • The RIAA believes that in the USA Act, it would be outlawed from breaking into FTP sites, websites, or P2P networks, because the damages would be over the $5,000 threshold.
  • The RIAA would be able to hack into individual users, and delete all the copyrighted music, and because it is less than $5,000, it would not be a crime of cyber terrorism.
  • The RIAA is worried about the USA Act to outlaw that same practice, and neither the Senate nor the House versions of that bill include the RIAA’s suggested changes.
  • The RIAA’s version of the bill raises privacy and security concerns.
  • There could be a program that is intended to delete MP3s, but accidently erases everything on a hard disk. This is like a repo man smashing windows and knocking down doors to pull out the 27 inch color TV when you’ve missed a couple of payments.
  • The RIAA would try to limit their liability for consequential damages.
  • The RIAA is still trying to get a copy of its revised amendment included in the anti-terrorism bill called the USA Act.

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“File Sharing: Stealing or Sharing amongst friends?” 8 October 2003 <www.misbridge.mccombs.utexas.edu>

  • People trade millions and millions of MP3s every day without giving it another thought.
  • The term MP3 is short for Moving Pictures Experts Group (MPEG) 1 Audio Layer 3. It represents an algorithm, an encoding technology, which compresses a digital music file by a ratio of approximately 12:1.
  • The MP3 world was changed when Shawn Fanning, a 19 yr. old dropout from Northwestern, conceived of an idea he called Napster, a program that allowed users to share MP3 files over the Net with other Napster users.
  • Music used to be confined to physical mediums: audio cassette tapes and compact discs. Napster brought music to the online world.

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“How Not To Get Sued By The RIAA For File-Sharing (And Other Ideas to Avoid Being Treated Like a Criminal)” 14 October 2003 <www.eff.org>

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced on June 25, 2003, that it will begin suing users of peer-to-peer (P2P) file-sharing systems within the next few weeks.

According to the announcement, the RIAA will be targeting users who upload/share “substantial” amounts of copyrighted music. The RIAA has stated that it will choose who to sue by using software that scans users’ publicly available P2P directories and then identifies the ISP of each user.

Then, using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), the RIAA will subpoena the ISP for each user’s name, address, and other personal information in order to sue that user.

While there is no way to know exactly what the RIAA is going to do, who it is going to sue, or even how much music qualifies as a “substantial” amount, users of P2P networks can take steps to reduce their chances of being sued

You can make sure there are no potentially infringing files in your shared folder. This would ordinarily mean that your shared folder contains only files 1) that are in the public domain, 2) for which you have permission to share, or 3) that are made available under pro-sharing licenses, such as the Creative Commons license or other open media licenses

You can remove all potentially misleading file names that might be confused with the name of an RIAA artist or song (e.g., “Usher” or “Madonna”) from your shared folder.

Disable the “sharing” or “uploading” features on your P2P application that allow other users on the network to get copies of files from your computer or scan any of your music directories. We hate this option, but it does appear that it will reduce your chances of becoming an RIAA target right now. This undermines the whole purpose of P2P file sharing though.

The RIAA appears to be targeting subpoenas at users who allow their computers to be “Supernodes” on the FastTrack P2P System (used, for instance, by KaZaA and Morpheus).

In order to further reduce the risk of having your ISP subpoenaed or of being sued yourself, they recommend that you make sure your computer is not being used as a Supernode.

If you receive notice that your ISP has been subpoenaed for your name and address, consider contacting www.subpoenadefense.org, where you can find information about how to defend your privacy and a list of attorneys willing to help. Contact your ISP and ask the people there to notify you immediately if they receive a subpoena seeking your identity.

You can join EFF’s campaign to make file sharing legal by contacting your congressional representitive and demand that Congress hold immediate hearings on ways to save P2P technology and file-sharing while ensuring that artists get paid.

You can also tell a friend, family member, colleague or even stranger on the street about the damage that the RIAA is doing to the Internet, innovation, and consumer choice. There are over 57 million Americans who use P2P file-sharing — more than voted for President Bush — and millions more worldwide — so chances are good that the person sitting next to you on the bus, walking beside you on the sidewalk or driving in the car in front of you is using file-sharing, too. Start the conversation.

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“Digital Millenium Copyright Act of 1998, The. U.S. Copyright Office Summary.” 14 October 2003. <www.loc.gov>

Page 1

  • The DMCA was signed into law by President Clinton on October 28, 1998
  • The DMCA is divided into five titles
  • Title I is the “WIPO Copyright and Performances and Phonograms Treaties Implementation Act of 1998” which implements the WIPO treaties.
  • Title II is the “Online Copyright Infringement Liability Limitation Act” which creates limitations on the liability of online service providers for copyright infringement when engaging in certain types of activities.
  • Title III is the “Computer Maintenance Competition Assurance Act” which creates exemption for making a copy of a computer program by activating a computer for purposes of maintenance or repair.
  • Title IV contains 6 miscellaneous provisions, relating to the functions of the Copyright Office, distance education, the exceptions in the Copyright Act for libraries and for making ephemeral recordings, “webcasting” of sound recordings on the Internet, and the applicability of collective bargaining agreement obligations in the case of transfers of rights in motion pictures.
  • Title V is the “Vessel Hull Design Protection Act” which creates a new form of protection for the design of vessel hulls
  • A complete understanding of any provision of the DMCA requires reference to the text of the legislation itself.

Page 2

  • The WIPO treaties makes certain technical amendments to U.S. law, in order to provide
  • The WIPO treaties also creates two new prohibitions in Title 17 of the U.S. Code – one on circumvention of technological measures used by copyright owners to protect their works and one on tampering with copyright management information – and adds civil remedies and criminal penalties for violating the prohibitions.
  • Title I requires the US Copyright Office to perform two joint studies with the National Telecommunications and Information Administration of the Department of Commerce (NTIA).
  • The WIPO Copyright Treaty (WCT) and the WPPT each require member countries to provide protection to certain works from other member countries or created by nationals of other member countries. That protection must be no less favorable than the accorded to domestic works.
  • Both treaties require parties to protect preexisting works from other member countries that have not fallen into the public domain in the country of origin through the expiry of the term of protection.

Page 3

  • The Copyright Act requires claims to copyright to be registered with the Copyright Office before a lawsuit can be initiated by the copyright owner, but exempts many foreign works in order to comply with existing treaty obligations under the Berne Convention.
  • The WIPO treaties are virtually identical in language obligating member states to prevent circumvention of technological measures used to protect copyrighted works, and to prevent tampering with the integrity of copyright management information.
  • The WIPO treaties provide legal protection that the international copyright community deemed critical to the safe and efficient exploitation of works on digital networks
  • The DMCA implements the obligation to provide adequate and effective protection against circumvention of technological measures used by copyright owners to protect their works
  • The DMCA divides technological measures into two categories: measures that prevent unauthorized access to a copyrighted work and measures that prevent unauthorized copying of a copyrighted work

Page 4

  • Copying is used in this context as a short-hand for the exercise of any of the exclusive rights of an author. Consequently, a technological measure that prevents unauthorized distribution or public performance of a work would fall in the second category.

Page 5

  • An exception to the operation of the entire section is for reasons of law enforcement, intelligence and other governmental activities.
  • Another exception is for nonprofit library, archive and educational institution use. The prohibition on the act of circumvention of access control measures is subject to an exception that permits nonprofit libraries, archives and educational institutions to circumvent solely for the purpose of making a good faith determination as to whether they wish to obtain authorized access to the work
  • Another exception is reverse engineering, in which a person who has lawfully obtained a right to use a copy of a computer program for the sole purpose of identifying and analyzing elements of the program necessary to achieve interoperability with other programs, to the extent that such acts are permitted under copyright law.
  • Another exception is encryption research, it permits circumvention of access control measures and the development of the technological means to do so, in order to identify flaws and vulnerabilities of encryption technologies
  • Another exception is protection of minors – this exception allows a court applying the prohibition to a component or a part to consider the necessity for its incorporation in technology that prevents access of minors to material on the Internet
  • Another exception is personal privacy – this exception permits circumvention when the technological measure, or the work it protects, is capable of collecting or disseminating personally identifying information about the online activities of a natural person

Page 7

  • Any person injured by a violation of section 1201 or 1202 may bring a civil action in Federal court
  • Section 1203 gives courts the power to grant a range of equitable and monetary remedies similar to those available under the Copyright Act, including statutory damages. The court has discretion to reduce or remit damages in cases of innocent violations, where the violator proves that it was not aware and had no reason to believe its acts constituted a violation.
  • In addition it is a criminal offense to violate section 1201 or 1202 wilfully and for purposes of commercial advantage or private financial gain. Under section 1204 penalties range up to a $500,000 fine or up to five years imprisonment for a first offense, and up to a $1,000,000 fine or up to 10 years imprisonment for subsequent offenses. Nonprofit libraries, archives, and educational institutions are entirely exempted from criminal liability.

Page 8

  • The DMCA creates four new limitations on liability for copyright infringement by online service providers.
  • The limitations are based on the following four categories of conduct by a service provider: transitory communications, system caching, storage of information on systems or networks at direction of users and information location tools

File Sharing and the RIAA Theory

November 2, 2003

Now, this goes pretty deep into the past (a whole 4 years or so), but it all started with Napster. Napster was a revolutionizing program, and one of the most useful ones you could get your phone line transferring to your computer by far, in 1998. I was actually apart of this “revolution,” and its sort of a bragging right, to say that “I was there, and I had done that,” because I had downloaded Napster while it was still free. The original Napster was and will still be the best file sharing program (music-wise) in my mind. All the other file sharing programs pale in comparison to Napster, but some have come pretty close to it.

Pretty much as soon as Napster had came, the RIAA threw a hissy fit. You wanna know why? Because the consumer got smart enough to not buy a CD Single for $4 or buy an overpriced $20 album for only one song, when they could get the one song for free. The RIAA lost a total of about, oh I’d say, $50 and some change when people stopped buying their stupid singles. Because their lovely little single was shot and killed, the RIAA was out for blood.

About a year after its release, Napster came under a heavy lawsuit by the RIAA. This was a really bad move by the RIAA. When the media started covering it, the popularity of Napster exploded. Instead of having a 100,000 or so people downloading increasing at 1,000 users or whatever a week, it was 2 million people, and increasing at about 10,000 users a week. I’m not sure if these are the right numbers, but I’m just giving a comparison to what it was before and after. The RIAA just made the problem worse, and millions of files were being transferred a day. Instead of possibly working out a deal with Napster to use it to their advantage, they sued them. In retrospect, this would have been a good thing for Napster, but at the time, it probably would have had the disadvantage for us. And yes, I know that Shawn Fanning’s uncle was pretty much the one in charge of Napster, and the guy was a complete idiot as a business man. But if things had worked out in a fashion that it would have been favorable for all parties involved, this wouldn’t be such a big problem.

Many lessons were learned by the eventual downfall of Napster. The reason why Napster was shut down was because they had a central server which kept the listings of all files being shared. This was something that could not be included in the next generation of file sharing programs. Well anyway, that’s what happened, and the RIAA hasn’t been able to shut most of them down completely. The RIAA has impacted some of the file sharing programs to place some sort of restriction on what can be downloaded in their policy, but not any actual filters or things that will actually stop the downloading of that certain file.

The RIAA claims that they, and the artists and songwriters and seemingly everyone in the mix is getting screwed by the whole file sharing deal. Artists are payed millions and millions of dollars to make albums with at most 1 or 2 good songs on it, out of 20 or even less. Rarely ever do you actually find a CD that actually has good songs all the way through and doesn’t all sound the same. The artists are just going to be incovenienced a little bit because they won’t be having their 300 million dollar check coming in the mail from good ol’ uncle RIAA, instead just getting a 240 million dollar one. File sharing is not going to kill the fan base for a certain artist. Nothing is as intense as seeing an actual band or artist in concert, so they just have to have more performances and work harder for their millions of dollars. Sure, I know all about how artists and bands get drained from touring so much, but if they don’t want to make up the money they lost with more tour dates and junk, then they can just live in semi-luxury, which is still about 3 million times better than how I live and most other people in the world. All of them (except the really stupid ones) don’t even use all their money, they just hide it in a bank somewhere until they decide to buy an island somewhere, or even build one. I don’t care if you disagree with me or not, this is just the plain truth.

So, now to more recent events. Have you heard now, that the RIAA is suing America now? I saw a picture (below), that says if you file share, you support communism, and a devil that looks like Stalin will become your dad who approves of what you’re doing because he’s looking over your shoulder all the time. This is exactly what the RIAA would have you believe if this kind of propaganda still worked (we’re in the “terrorism” phase).

Kid: Look at me daddy, I downloaded Madonna – Like a Virgin today!

Devil Stalin: Good job, kiddo. Tomorrow we’ll get the next Creed album before its made.

This campaign for educating the public is not a well-intentioned one, mind you. Buried in the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (or the DMCA), is a statement that basically says that if a copyright violator does not know that he is committing copyright infringement, they will not be responsible for the full penalty of their wrong doing. But guess who comes around and starts teaching everyone that sharing music is a bad thing? The good ol’ RIAA, helping out the American public everday. So when they start suing everyone, they can go for the maximum penalty, and scare everyone into thinking that file sharing is a horrible thing to do, even if it is legal. It’ll be just like going to a strip bar. And mp3s will be demonized, and the RIAA will probably want to make it so that the mp3 is never used again, even though it is a very good file format to use for sound.

(Ok, the thing I said about the people committing copyright infringement not being responsible isn’t actually real. I thought I saw it in there when I was looking at the thing, but it was only meant towards ISPs. I could’ve sworn I saw it in there for regular people too)

So, basically what I’m saying is, don’t fall into the RIAA’s traps, and boycott the RIAA. The RIAA is too conservative, and their endless stream of subpoenas being handed out to the American public will have a tremendous backlash one of these days. Universal is the only company in the RIAA that I will somewhat support, because they have lowered the prices of their CDs to 10 bucks. That’s what CDs should cost, not 20. You could get 2 really crappy movies for that price, and still have enough to buy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie, and STILL have change. Probably enough to buy another couple crappy movies.

Fuck the RIAA.

Attack of the Communist Sideburns

Hey all you silly bastards!

Guess what?

Yep, you guessed it, it’s story time!!

Whoopee!!!!!!!!!!

Today’s installment is a sort of auto-biography (that means it’s about me, ya dumbass). But I’m going to write in the third person, ’cause I can, so eat that!

It’s about a large valley girl that likes MTV (Motivational Therapy for Virgins) and has a wee wee instead of a yum yum. You heard me! A wee wee!

“Aww crap, do I really have to,” said roblestheclown

“YES! I AM DAVEPOOBOND! YOU CANNOT DISOBEY ME, FOR I HAVE JELLO IN MY EAR!” replied the very drunk Aussie, davepoobond.

“OK, OK, just make sure you pay me in monopoly money this time, cause last time…IT WAS FRIGGEN REAL! I HATE REAL MONEY, CAUSE EVERY BILL HAS A BIG STUPID PICTURE OF A DEAD GUY! THEY JUST PISS ME OFF DAVE!”

“……….Fine, but this story HAS to involve flying curtains that snore!”

Anyway, back to the funny stuff.

——————————————————

Attack of the Communist Sideburns

One day, as Eddie (my nickname that I made up for myself because I have no friends) was walking down the street towards the zoo, he saw something scary, something very, very scary. A vase. Now you might say, if you were actually reading this, “Hey Eddie, vases arn’t scary. You must be stupid!” Well, this vase was no ordinary vase: it had a picture of Saddam Husein wearing a pretty pink tutu doing a pirouette while balancing on a 2 pound slab of veil(you know, baby cows). Now, tell me thats not scary and ill beat your grandma…thats more like it.

“AH!” exclaimed Eddie, after he saw Saddam wink at him from the vase. “HEY! Don’t scream at my vase, it’s very sensitive!”

“Oh, sorry old man Herpes, but it winked at me.”

“…mmmmmm…i have eight watches…none of them arefake.”

“Oh,…..good….for….you…Yea, I gotta go, you know, MTV!” Eddie replied happily.

“Damn virgins” mumbled Herpes.

So, instead of going to the zoo to laugh at all the old people that fall into the crocodile pits, Eddie went to his hourly MTV session. MTV is what Eddie lives for. Literally. Every hour he has to go to the doctor inside the MTV place for tequilla shots, with a needle, not a shot glass, or else he will implode. Once he gets his shots, he goes to his MTV class, quite convenient if you ask me, a two-fer so to speak.

In these MTV classes, Eddie learns about why being a virgin has its ups and downs. The downs: you havent had sex yet, people make fun of you, you suck. The ups:…uhh…well…there aren’t really any ups, they just say that to make it cool, ups and downs. Beacause if it just said downs, then no one would want to be a virgin. After that, they go around in a circle, explaining how smoking crack only makes you a crack whore, and no one likes them. Well, maybe crack pimps, but this story is not about them.

But the main reason Eddie watches MTV is for Tom Green, Andy Dick, Jackass, and…oh, wait, wrong MTV. Sorry about that. The main reason Eddie goes to MTV is because they serve virgin margaritas with those cool little umbrellas and a side order of ketchup, which also comes with an umbrella.

After a session one day, Friday, February 13, 1999 to be exact, Eddie spontaneously said, “I like to eat marijuana brownies through my ass!” Most of the virgins in there gasped, then thought about it, nodded their heads, and applauded. All of them in fact, except Gary the Constipated Virgin. She thought it was very cruel to make fun of her being constipated. Even though Eddie didn’t directly make the joke about her, she was very sure he was talking about her, beacuase she’s constipated, and stupid.

So, when Eddie left, after he excitedly stated, “I have a wee wee instead of a yum yum!! AHAHAHAHA!!!”, Gary followed him home, saw which room he slept in, and threw a brick into his window, smacking him in the head, and making him fall, unconcious, with no hair.

Eddie woke up 10 seconds later somewhere in the vicinity of Nebraska, with hair again. To make matters worse, his pants had been replaced with a neon sign stapled to him, saying “I hate you.” He had only one choice: walk. Walk where, he didn’t know, but there was a giant sea tortoise that went by him and told Eddie to walk, or it would pee on him. So he walked. And walked. And walked, and walked, and walked. And every time he walked through a city, at least one person in every city would throw a bucket of water on him, electrocuting him. It also lowered his sperm count but thats not our problem.

“Wash my couch!”

“What?!” queried Eddie.

“I said, wash my couch! ya dumbass” said Harold theRocketship.

“NO!” Eddie said.

“Damn virgins,” murmured Harold.

“…FUCK AUTHORITY!…oh shit, sorry, I was just gettin into my music, but damn this backstreet boys CD rules!”

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“I’m the Squackle censor, and you have violated the rules that you agreed to.”

“What? Squackle doesn’t have any censors. Look, FUCK, SHIT, ASSHOLE, DICKFACE, STUPID COCK-PUMPER, GAY ARABIAN CAMEL RAPIST THAT LOVES TO EAT HAIR AND SKIN WHILE SNIFFING SQUIRREL PISS! See, no bleeps, well, except that one.”

“Sir, we dont bleep, we enforce fucked up words, and you have yet to say the following: soul train, Marilyn Manson, bong toker, smelly back disease, and beef. Since you have not complied with these terms, you will die.”

“Oh, OK…wha wha, wait…that’s illegal isn’t it?”

“No, not here. You see, here at Squackle, we can do anything we want. We say what we want, we tell people whatever we want, and we kill whoever we want, without any repercussions.”

“But, how the hell did you guys get such a good deal?!”

“Well, two words: Dave’s high. And since dave is high, the government doesn’t like dealing with him, because they think Squackle is ‘A site full of crap and we don’t want to look through all that crap for illegal things’, also…Dave’s high.”

“Oh, oh yeah! Well, bye!”

“Bye!”

Eddie finally made it to a city that looked like it sold pants, so he looked around, and found a store, called “Pants and Pink Pudding.” Eddie liked pink pudding, so he went in and bought a smiley face sticker, stuck it on his face and went back home.

Once back home, Eddie went door-to-door, telling eveyone, individually, about his adventure. But, after the thrid person, he was punched by a mysterious man that just happened to be the man he was talking to. When he woke up in the hospital, all he could say was, “Like, wut-everrrrrrrrrr!” ::does the wutever w with hands::

THE END!

Oh yea, I knew this girl once, and one time she brought to show-

and-tell her flying cutains that snore. They were AWESOME!!!!!!

 

THE END…FOR REALZ, YO!

The Manicle

Written in conjunction with stimpyismyname

Inside an “abandoned” wherehouse music store, lurks the evil evil man, Mr. Dr. Evil, that is not from Austin Powers because this is an entirely different story as you will see.

Well, here came along Miss Poodle back from pooing off the Statue of LIberty. She said, “Well, I am relieved now and the statue has a lovely new brown coat!”

And then Mr. Dr. Evil (that’s his full name), he…exposed…how he loathed all fat women named Miss Poodle, when he exclaimed, “How I loathe you fat women, named Miss Poodle!”

Miss Poodle was flabbergasted and said, “I’m flabbergasted,” she also added, “I have gas and my armpits are sweaty.”

Mr. Dr. Evil said, “Get out of my house, for I too have gas and together, we….um….yeah”

Miss Poodle got very interested. She raised a finger and as she did, the excitement was too much for her and she farted.

THE END…

nope

Mr. Dr. Evil realized then that he hadn’t gotten new shoes from Payless, and he ran away from his lab rather quickly, but being careful to not step on Miss Poodle, because, along with her large…um…thing…she was very attractive in a very strange way.

After getting his Land Before Time shoes, he was happy.

After Mr. Dr. Evil and Miss Poodle had a brief love affair, Mr. Dr. Evil decided that she was too big to handle…har har…and he would, have to giver her his Terribly Bad Bad Bad Evil Dangerously Bad Untested Big Bad Bottled Potion.

Oh no! Miss Poodle turned into The Manicle! The super cool fat lady that’s not really a lady comma but a man, and…and…and Mr. Dr. Evil is gay.

The Manicle is a guy with a spike on his….a real one, that can retract just like Wolverine’s but its on his head, not his hands.

The Manicle killed Mr. Dr. Evil because he’s gay and he doesn’t like gay people.

You may think its The End, but its not.

Die Clown DIE!

Prologue: Camera Man Gets a Dumb-Assignment

“Mr. Zog, please come in here,” Mr. Zog’s boss said. Mr. Zog doesn’t look too thrilled as he gets up from his desk and starts to walk to his boss’s office.

“Ooh, somebody’s gonna get it now!” Mr. Zog could hear from a distance as he walked into his boss’s office.

“Ah, Mr. Zog! I have a special assignment for you. You are going to test our latest and greatest camera, and it doesn’t weigh anything at all. We can connect it to your brain and eyes and it’ll have your thoughts recorded along with what you are seeing, when you turn it on. Walk to your left and the surgeons will begin surgery.” Mr. Zog looked sad, and walked toward the door.

“Oh, wait, here’s your first assignment” Mr. Zog’s boss said as he handed him the assignment and then said “See ya later,” when Mr. Zog walked through the door, his boss then mumbled, “Wouldn’t wanna be ya”

 

Chapter 1: Goin’ On a Clown Hunt

“Great, just great. I’m stuck with two so called ‘cops’ out to arrest clowns. What an assignment my boss gave me, sheesh, and I haven’t even seen these guy’s faces,” thought Mr. Zog, as he sat in the back seat of the “police” car.

He then said, “Hello everybody, I’m on assignment with Sheriff Wimplespoon, and Deputy Jimmy Jones of the Ump Town Police Department in New Jersey, hunting for clowns.”

Deputy Jimmy Jones then added “That’s right, there are many, many types of clowns. Alien Clowns, Vampire Clowns, Ghost Clowns, but today we’re going to hunt down one of the most vicious types of clown in the world…..the ones who smoke cigarettes!”

The computer in the car started to beep. That means there is a sighting of a clown.

The computer beeped and said, “Clown that smokes cigarettes sighted at some no-name café place. Please report to Second Street and Slushy Boulevard!!! NOW!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones, and said “Let’s roll!” as Sheriff Wimplespoon went top speed, and put on a Ricky Martin CD.

Mr. Zog yells, “AAARRGGHH!!!! NOT RICKY MARTIN!!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!! PPPPLLEEEAAASSEEE!!!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon looks back at the Camera Man in disgust, “Shut up, you’re interrupting ‘Cup of Life’!”

Mr. Zog, thinking to himself, says, “I can’t take this punishment! I can only hope we get there soon….”

 

Chapter 2: Doughnut and Coffee Break

Suddenly the Police Car stopped.

Then the Mr. Zog said, “Hey, what is this place??”

Sheriff Wimplespoon replied, “Don’t worry, we’re stopping at Doughnut Palace for some doughnuts and we’ll be right back.” Deputy Jimmy Jones has an evil grin on his face and he licked his lips. Mr. Zog looked at the two officers like they were crazy, which they were, looked down at the floor and shaked his head from side to side, saying ‘sad’ over and over again.

 

Chapter 3: Bloody Biscuits

Sometime while Mr. Zog was waiting, he actually started missing the two stupid cops. So he got out of the car and walked toward the Donut Shop. Inside he saw the two cops talking about something, and as he walked in, they stopped talking.

The doughnut man walked by Mr. Zog in his tutu, and Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, with his mouth full, “I thought you were staying in the car” Mr. Zog couldn’t reply, because he was looking at the big ring of powder and frost on their lips.

He finally said, “Uh, um, yeah, uh, ok…” Then he walked over to the table the cops were sitting at and sat down with them.

Mr. Zog asks as he looked down at the ‘doughnuts’, “Hey, what kind of doughnuts are those?” Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones with a nervous look on his face. Then he replied, saying, “Uh, they are, umm, jelly donuts…yeah that’s it! Jelly donuts! You can’t see the jelly till you…eat…it…”

Mr. Zog replied, “Don’t mind if I do” as he reached and picked up one of the donuts.

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked a little scared as Mr. Zog chomped away at the doughnuts.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “Hey, slow down, foo! Save some for us!” Right after Sheriff Wimplespoon said that, Mr. Zog made a few choking sounds and put his hands across his neck. Deputy Jimmy Jones has a bewildered look on his face.

Mr. Zog managed to say, “Ch…o….k…i…nn..gg…” But, as soon as he said that a lot of blood started coming out from his mouth, and the last thing that he could remember was that the cops had took out a syringe of some kind….

 

Chapter 4: Smells Like Clowns…or Cheap Coffee

Mr. Zog woke up just as the police car gets to the café. Sheriff Wimplespoon turned off the car, Ricky Martin music going dead, everybody unloads, except Mr. Zog who got out sort of dizzy. This was the first time Mr. Zog got a glimpse of the two cops he was with. Sheriff Wimplespoon was a chubby man, that had brown hair with white streaks in it, he looked around 50 years old. Deputy Jimmy Jones, on the other hand, was a tall man, with black hair, long legs, and long fingers. His eyes almost looked like an alien’s in the night. The officers turned away from Mr. Zog and started to walk toward the café.

 

Chapter 5: Clown in Café Gets Beat Up

For no reason Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “By the way what’s you name?”

Mr. Zog hesitated for a moment and said, “Uhhhh, umm…..Mr. Zog”

Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “Oh, that’s a nice name, Mr. Zog,” just as they walked through the door.

Deputy Jimmy Jones yelled, “THERE HE IS!! THERE’S THE CLOWN!!! GET HIM!!!” The clown looked up at the officers with a dumb look, and the cigarette dropped out of his mouth into his lap, just as the officers tackled the clown to the floor. The clown kicked his feet all over the place.

“What are you DOING???? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon yelled, “SHUT UP!!!! WE KNOW YOUR GAME!!! YOU ARE SILLY GOOSE POOP THE CLOWN, AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! SO WE MUST ARREST YOU!!!!”

 

Chapter 6: Silly Chit Chat

The Clown says, “I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon says, “YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

 

Chapter 7: The Torture of It All

After about an hour of saying, “I’m not going”, and “yes you are”, the cops get the clown into the police car.

Silly Goose Poop the Clown says, “What are you going to do to me???”

Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “We’re going to take you to the station, beat you, put you on scary rides at an amusement park, make you watch 24 hours of Barney. Then put you through the ‘It’s a small world after all’ ride 1000 times, take your rubber nose and stomp on it, tickle you, trip you, leg drop you. To top it off, make you listen to Whitney Houston for a week, slam your head against a wall a couple of times, whip you, punch you, bite you, step on your brand new rubber shoes, set your hair on fire, make you watch Spanish Wrestling, and the Creme de la Creme, kill you, if you’re not already dead.”

Silly Goose Poop the Clown looked unhappy and said, “Does it have to be a 1000 times?”

Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “No, we’ll make it 10,000, just for you.” Silly Goose Poop the Clown rolled his eyes and says, “Gee, thanks…..”

Deputy Jimmy Jones nodded with an evil grin and says, “You’re welcome.”

 

Chapter 8: Fresh Meat

When they got to the police station there was a crowd of clowns rioting against the harsh treatment of clowns.

Sheriff Wimplespoon gets out, smiled, licked his lips and said, “Fresh meat” and got Silly Goose Poop the Clown out of the car and pushed through the crowd with Deputy Jimmy Jones holding Silly Goose Poop the Clown’s legs.

 

Chapter 9: A Sad Little Room With One Window

Once they got in to a dark little room with cement walls they threw the clown against the wall, he made a splat against the wall and dropped down.

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Mr. Zog and said, “We’ll be right back. You stay here, Mr. Zog.” Deputy Jimmy Jones and the Sheriff walked outside, and through the only window in the whole room, a bright light flickered a lot, and stays on for a while. There are a lot of screams until the light turned off.

After a few minutes the Sheriff and the Deputy came back in and punched the clown in the kidneys.

The Sheriff turned to Mr. Zog and said, “Let’s go to a night club. We’ll let the other officers torture him for a while.”

 

Chapter 10: Cop Steps in Poo

On his way to the car, Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Ah, crap”

The Sheriff looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones and says, “What is it?”

Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I stepped in poo….now my new steel toes with rocket boosters are smelly….they cost a lot of moolah.”

 

Chapter 11: The Hippie Clowns that Sing on the Front Lawn

“Sorry, guys, we won’t be going to the night club just yet. We need to make a stop at some old lady’s front yard. Some hippie clowns are there.” Sheriff Wimplespoon said, with an annoyed tone. When they got to the old lady’s front lawn there were some singing clowns and a lady that was screaming.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “This isn’t a pretty sight, stay in here, it won’t be too long.” The Sheriff gets out of the car goes over to the lady, shoots her, then shoots the clowns with his gun and comes back to the car.

“See, I told you it wouldn’t take long.” Sheriff Wimplespoon added as he turned the car on.”

 

Chapter 12: Oh, Puppy Poo

When the police officers got out of the car, they made their way almost to the night club doors, when Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a puppy, into some puppy poo, face first.

Mumbling through the poo, Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I’m like a poo magnet…”

 

Chapter 12: Die Clowns DIE!

Mr. Zog, Deputy Jimmy Jones, and Sheriff Wimplespoon later find themselves at a party.

Mr. Zog thinks to himself, “Oh boy, oh boy! I hope there are some hot chicks here!” But unfortunately for him he finds that this was a clown’s night club. There was a guy, named Vanilla Clown, that was singing his song “Clown, Clown, Baby.” “CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY…..CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY ” says Vanilla Clown. Sheriff Wimplespoon takes out his .44 and shoots it in the air. The clown stops singing and everybody looks to where the gun shots were.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yells, “YOU’RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!! BUT THEN AGAIN, SINCE YOU ALL SMOKE, YOU DESERVE TO DIIIIEEEE!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon points his .44 at the nearest clown he sees and has a smile on his face.

 

Chapter 13: Fresh Meat, Full of Lead

“BLAM, BLAM!” Went the gun and, as the bullets made contact with the clown it was going for, it made a sickening cccrrackk.

Deputy Jimmy Jones then yelled over the fire, “Sheriff, there are too many!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon spoke into his little walkie talkie on his shoulder and yelled, “Mass Clown Cult!! We need Reinforcements immediately!!!” Within a few seconds a whole squad of cops came in with flame-throwers and rifles.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!!” Then a stupid officer gets out from the line with his flame-thrower and burns a whole lot of clowns. They all said, “MELLLLTTINNGG….MMEELLLTTTINNGG” except for one who said it in Spanish. Somewhere through the battle four ninja turtles and two monster things were shot while fighting each other….

 

Chapter 14: Later That Night

Sheriff Wimplespoon shook the hands of all the officers that participated in the “glorious” event as he said it.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “Good job everybody, you see anymore clowns, you shoot them, you hear me? Homee Gz!” Just about then, Mr. Zog came out of the building and said, “Wow, that was actually fun, and I liked taking all the money that wasn’t burned and shot with a bullet through from the clowns wallets, and drank a whole lot o’ beer…..uuugghh….I don’t feel to good” And the last thing he could remember was falling into the arms of Sheriff Wimplespoon….

 

Chapter 15: Adventures in CameraLand

In Mr. Zog’s dream he’s running away from a flying craft of some sort, but it was in a shadow. Except that it had bright lights on the sides of it. He’s screaming something, but he can’t understand what, and behind him are two figures chasing after him. Which looked like the two cops. The flying thing sped up, and a very bright light came from the middle of it to the ground, and sucked Mr. Zog up, and then, and then, and then…..Mr. Zog woke up, screaming, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” Mr. Zog looked around and calmed down.

 

Chapter 16: AWeird Sack of Puppy Poo and Aliens Don’t Have Noses

Deputy Jimmy Jones ran toward him and said, “Hey, why’d you scream?” But before Mr. Zog could reply, Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a bag, clearly marked, “Weird Sack of Puppy Poo.” Mr. Zog looked up and said, “Uhhh….nightmare….” Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Oh ok” as he got up, turned away, but looked back, and started peeling his face off. Mr. Zog screamed and backed up against the wall, as Deputy Jimmy Jones takes off all of his skin, and what he was….was….he was….an….an……alien!!!! The alien screeched, “I want your nose!!! I don’t have a nose, so I want yours!!!” Mr. Zog yelled and screamed, and everything gets all “snowy.”

 

Epilogue: Unsolved Mysteries Takes Things From America’s Most Wanted

The Unsolved Mysteries guy focused into view from a TV screen next to him and said, “That was the captured footage of the clown abducting aliens. We still do not know what has happened to the Camera Man, Sheriff Wimplespoon, Deputy Jimmy Jones, Silly Goose Poop the Clown or the crowd of disturbed, disgruntled, hairy faced, nose picking, arm-pit scratching, booger-eating, Backstreet Boy loving clowns who have excruciatingly severe body odor and back hair, outside expressing their anger outside the police station. If you have any information at all, please dial us at, 1-900-WESUCK1. All charges are charged to you, ‘cause we are cheap and don’t have any money, and out 1-800 numbers just turn into 1-900 numbers after a few minutes like that psychic phone line thing. Um….ok, bye….”

 

Epilogue 2: Squigginsquash, Squibblepumpkin, See ya later!

Two people and a puppy come into focus. The person on the right says, “Hi, my name is Woo!” The other person then said, “My name is Hoo!” They then both said in unison, “And this is Sergeant Scruff.” The little puppy gives a little howl. Woo and Hoo then sang together, “Now’s the time to say good byyyeee” As the Woo and Hoo said bye the puppy gave a howl. Then Woo and Hoo stop singing and said, “So, bye.” Then they walk away.