What NOT to Put on a Resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:

– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

– I am a rabid typist.

– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.

– Qualifications: No education or experience.

– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

 

Joke #9168

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”