ehcine – n. a husband that makes it a requirement to try on any new hat before his wife buys it

Tags: ehcine, hat, husband, noun, wife

chaste sex – n. sexual intercourse between husband and wife after marriage.

Tags: chaste sex, husband, noun, sex, wife

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

Tags: farmer, husband, marriage, money, soy, wife

Tagged People: Matt Sussman

Husband: “Uh oh, Blackout.”

Wife: “I’ll get the wine!”

- from the radio

Tags: electricity, husband, radio, wife, wine

“‘For the first time in years I am able to enjoy sex as much as my husband. ?He says the feelings during sex remind him of when we were first married.’ Wendy – 51 years old”

- from a spam e-mail

Tags: husband, sex, spam

National Realize-The-Romance-You-Have-Isn’t-Going-To-Work-Out-And-Move-On Day – n. a holiday that occurs on January 2nd

Tags: boyfriend, girlfriend, holiday, holiday stuff, husband, January, National Realize-The-Romance-You-Have-Isn't-Going-To-Work-Out-And-Move-On Day, wife

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Tags: dog, husband

My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying. I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.

An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy is she r-u-d-e!”

“Yeah,” he replied, “but I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.”

Tags: children, grocery store, husband, soup, wife

A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over.

The cop looked at her and said, “Hmmm…I’m going to put you down for fifty-five.”

She turned to her husband. “See! I told you this hat makes me look old.”

Tags: car, hat, husband, police

A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced.   The wife answered the door. “Come in,” she said.

The other couple came in, sat down, then asked, “So, where’s Jack?”

“Oh,” replied his wife, “he’s in the bathroom, grouting and spackling.”

“Oh, dear,” said the other lady, “I had that once and didn’t get over it for two weeks.”

Tags: door, husband, wife

While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, “No, I also work… but out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

“He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me and said, “You don’t get out much, do you?”

Tags: daughter, eyebrow, family, hospital, husband, neighbor, school

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

Tags: husband, marriage, minister, wedding, woman

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful…CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.”

Tags: breakfast, butter, egg, husband, salt, wife

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Tags: boyfriend, husband, sports

Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, “What’s good tonight?”

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, “Anything over $13.95.”

Tags: husband, money, restaurant, Saturday