Quote #24074

“i have no desire for a half ass lover. i want someone to grab my neck and tell me i belong to them. i want to be wrapped around you on a Friday night in bed and have your lips be the last thing i taste before i go to sleep. i want you to bring me coffee in the morning and i want to rub your back at night. i want a love that can set my heart on fire and i want a lover who i can intoxicate with my madness.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

 

Stupid Names for Days

We all hear these funny plays off day’s names, and I always wonder why there is the need to elaborate or give meaning to a normal day of the week for an indefinite period of time.  So I decided to compile a list of all the dumb names we give to normal days of the week.  If you have others, leave a comment and I’ll add it to the list.

Sunday

  • Sunday Funday
  • “Pastime Day”: 3 Suns Ago Sunday
  • “Pastime Day”: Sentimental Sunday
  • Lazy Sunday
  • Sundaze
  • Selfie Sunday

Monday

  • “Pastime Day”: Previous Big Bang Monday
  • “Pastime Day”: Memory Monday

Tuesday

  • Taco Tuesday
  • Super Tuesday
  • “Pastime Day”: Too Late Tuesday
  • “Pastime Day”: Take Me Back Tuesday

Wednesday

  • “Pastime Day”: We’re Kinda Late Wednesday
  • “Pastime Day”: Way Back Wednesday
  • Hump Day

Thursday

  • “Pastime Day”: Throwback Thursday

Friday

  • “Pastime Day”: Flashback Friday
  • TGIF – Thank God It’s Friday / Thank Goodness It’s Friday

Saturday

  • “Pastime Day”: Old Saturday
  • “Pastime Day”: Slide-back Saturday
  • “Pastime Day”: Senti Saturday
  • Screenshot Saturday
 

I Have to Go to Work at 1

Parody of A*Teens – Dancing Queen.

You can EAT, the SALADDD, I don’t care what you do with your hair
See that girl, she’s a ho, I work at one today

Friday night and I get to work
Looking out for number 1 (me)
Where they hand out prescriptions, and astroglide
You come into look for sales
Anybody could have those items
But you come in to see me, not really
With a bit of 90s music, everything is ok
Not in the mood for a dance
And when you go home…

I’m still working, I started at one, only eighteen
I work at one, feel the beat of the cash register
I can’t dance, I can’t bike or swim, its safe to say my life sucks
See that girl, there’s no way I’ll tap that ass

I’m a teaser, I make them mad
When the price isn’t the same as the one they saw
Looking for another, anyone will go
They’re in the mood to be a bastard
When they don’t get the price they want

I’m still working, I started at one, only eighteen
I work at one, feel the beat of the cash register
I can’t dance, I can’t bike or swim, its safe to say my life sucks
See that girl, there’s no way I’ll tap that ass

(fade)

 

National Go-To-School-And-Find-Out-There’s…

National Go-To-School-And-Find-Out-There’s-Not-A-Dance-When-You-Thought-There-Was Day – n. a holiday that occurs on April 12th, but ONLY when it falls on a Friday.

 

The Procrastinator’s Calendar

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month’s last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day – Negotiation Day – has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

 

Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illnesses

1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

 

School Absence Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected from schools all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father id gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.