Tag - cream


Candy Crush Saga (iOS): A Soccer Mom’s Review

April 26th, 2013 Posted in Game Reviews, Games No Comments »

This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Soccer Mom Dave

This is a satire about the way a certain “parent” would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. The name of this “mother” is Soccer Mom Dave.

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Developer/Publisher: King Games  | Soccer Mom Score:  0/10

How dare they.

They made a game based on candy.

A group of buffoons who have enough gall to create a game so delicious-looking that it influences my children to eat candy!!!!!! All of these developers who made this game will rot in Candy Hell – don’t they know that America’s obesity epidemic starts and ends with the media? Games like Candy Crush Saga influence our children to become stupid, fat, obese adults who want to eat more candy and junk food. Jelly, whip cream, gum balls, exploding candy, chocolate balls with sprinkles that turn everything else into exploding candy! What kind of a sick mind would think of this stuff?

Not only does this game appeal to children, since they put a little child in the game as the main “protagonist” but they also try to appeal to sexy fatherly men who wear suits, just like this butler guy who tells you how to accomplish all of these massively unappealing, evil puzzles while talking in a sultry voice. It is just perfect that this game is a “match-three” game – it influences our children and prospective husbands to always want to eat candy in groups of three, four, or five. Not only that, but you get rewarded for matching higher combos, implying that you will succeed if you eat more candy! What lies are they feeding the general public with their implications!? There are absolutely no disclaimers that this candy is Calorie-Free, or even Fat-Free! Eating candy will kill you. Also, dragons and talking robots do not exist. I don’t know why they even put them in this slow-and-torturous-murder simulator. The dragon probably has diabetes from swimming in sugar water too long.

As if my life wasn’t terrible enough before this game came out, for free, I now have to deal with my children begging me for candy and acting like the whip cream in the game. They hug my knees, and don’t allow me to move until I clear them out. The only way I can get them to leave me alone is by pelting them with candy, just like in the game, and then I can move more freely. Sometimes my children cover themselves with Jelly and the only way to remove the Jelly is by throwing multiple combinations of candy at the Jelly chunks on their faces. My children are also recreating the game board from Candy Crush Saga in our 10-acre backyard with 300+ levels, just like in the game. When my husband gets home, all he does is drink beer and neglect me and my children, so it’s not like he’s going to put a stop to this madness! I wish that I could hire a butler to escort my children around this hugely elaborate candy game that is evolving in my backyard.

And just like the real-life version in my backyard, Candy Crush Saga was probably play-tested by all of three people, none of them paid. What’s the point of balancing a game when you can charge people anywhere from a dollar to FORTY damn dollars to cheat on an unbalanced game? Instead of trying to make the game a “fun,” balanced, and healthy experience, they’ve created a death machine meant to extort money and make the obesity epidemic even worse! Candy Crush Saga takes over the minds of the sheep we call our fellow humans and bleeds them dry for “power-ups” that shouldn’t even exist in a balanced game. No wonder they made 300 levels – you will inevitably be stuck on level 30, and never be able to play the other 90% of the game unless you pay to cheat! The temptation is absolutely unbearable! My children, both with iPhone 5s, have spent nearly 200 dollars each on this game to cheat. In real life, cheating is free — all you have to do is skirt around your obligations and make the other guy pay for the hotel. This game doesn’t teach my children any valuable or “useful” lessons.

Why can’t they make Health Food Saga, instead? It would have relieved my potential stress levels immeasurably. They should have used Fat-free milk, Baby Carrots, Asian Pears, Romaine Lettuce, Cherry Tomatoes and Vitamin Pills.

To conclude, this game needs to be more like real life – STOP PUTTING DELUSIONS IN MY IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN’S HEADS!!! LOOK AT WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY LIFE, MY HOUSE, AND AMERICA!!! BAN CANDY CRUSH SAGA FROM YOUR iPHONES, PARENTS!  THE RESISTANCE STARTS WITH YOU!

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oavazadowe

March 1st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

oavazadowe – n. cereal that has French Vanilla creamer instead of milk

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Free Vaginal Cream For Life

February 20th, 2012 Posted in Email Forwards No Comments »

This is an Email forward you can send to your friends.

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Subject: Free Vaginal Cream For Life!

Data from our server shows that this IP frequently visits our site, Myitchyvagina, for relief of painful feminine irritation.

Well, we’ve got a deal for you. For a limited time only, sign up for our “That Time of the Month Club” and receive free* daily anti-itch vaginal cream for LIFE!

If you are interested, sign up at Myitchyvagina.

Don’t let this great deal slip out of your vagina!!!

*$5.95 shipping and handling per bottle of daily anti-itch vaginal cream.

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Oops I Bit It Again

August 21st, 2011 Posted in (C) Song Parodies, Poetry and Songs No Comments »

Parody of Britney Spears – Oops I Did It Again

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Some people just blow..

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I think I bit it again..
I gave you relief, my braces are bent-

Oh babay-

It might seem like a crush-
But it doesn’t mean,
That I’m tearing up… (no tears no)
‘Cause to remove my dentures-
Would be so frightful to see…

Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same..
Oh babay, babay
Oops, you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

You need to wobble like this-
And screaming I say:
“I wish this here nose,
Didn’t look like this..”
I try watching your ways..
Can’t you see that I drool
Endlessly for days..
But to lose my dentures,
That’s just too frightful to see..
Babay-

Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same..
Oh babay, babay
Oops,you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

“On all fours!”

“Spitney,
Before you go,
There’s something I want you to have..”
“Oh, a noodle toy!! But I’m late for dinner..Isn’t this?”
“Yeah,with extra fizz..”
“But I thought that ‘Old Faithful’ stopped with
No lotion or gin”
“Well baby, I went down &,popped it for you..”
“Oh you shouldn’t have..”

Oh babay
Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same..
Oh baby, baby
Oops, you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same
Oh baby, baby
Oops, you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

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cream

July 17th, 2011 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

cream – n. slang for semen

;} v. slang for the act of ejaculation

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Joke #18732

February 22nd, 2011 Posted in Jokes No Comments »

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide.

It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They’re going to call it: “Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar”

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Joke #18095

February 16th, 2011 Posted in (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

Q: What did the pint of cream say to the quart of milk?

A: “My curdle (girdle) is killing me!”

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Joke #17821

February 13th, 2011 Posted in (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

Q: Why are chefs hard to like?

A: Because they beat eggs, whip cream, and mash potatoes!

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Quote #16852

January 29th, 2011 Posted in Quotes No Comments »

“ok, everybody! put on your cottage cheese dresses and whip cream hats! we’re goin to the super market!”

- davepoobond

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Joke #12915

December 15th, 2010 Posted in (C) Misogyny Jokes, (C) Offensive Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

I told my doctor I’m the first man on the face of the earth to suffer from morning sickness.  When I wake up in the morning and see my wife in curlers and face cream, I get sick to my stomach.

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Joke #11953

May 27th, 2010 Posted in (F) Conversational Joke, Jokes No Comments »

MAN: “A cup of coffee without cream, please.”

WAITER: “We’re out of cream, sir, but I can give you a cup of coffee without milk.”

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zraqui

December 24th, 2007 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

zraqui – n. a bathtub full of cream of mushroom soup

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Joke #9290: Cream of Weight

December 14th, 2007 Posted in Jokes No Comments »

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?”"

The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”

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Joke #7833

September 28th, 2007 Posted in (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

Q: Why is the baker so mean?

A: Because he beats the bread.

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Another version of this joke:

Q: Why are bakers mean?

A: Because they whip the cream and beat the eggs.

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