Hello again, faithful Squacklers! This week we talk about more random movies with the second episode of the Squacklecast — “We Planned This Out.” Davepoobond and Solid Billy take on the pressing questions of our times, like “Why does Jean Claude Van Damme play the same character in Kickboxer and Bloodsport?” and realizing that Sean Bean is actually a lazy actor because he dies in practically all his movies so he doesn’t have to act anymore!
The Schticky Commercial:
And here’s his mugshot!
The Shamwow Spanish commercial:
Sean Bean dies in all the movies he’s in:
Thanks for tuning in! Next time we’ll be live at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
In trade I was trying to sell stuff:
 [davepoobond]: WTS [Comfortable Insoles] only 10g each!
Cardrek: wat do they do
davepoobond: make you jellin like a felon
Cardrek: i woulda bought em if u didnt attempt that pathetic ryme
davepoobond: its from a commercial
Cardrek: its gross
Ever see those head on commercials? Well, here’s a nice parody of the concept of those “hard-sell” commercials.
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)
(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:
Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?
Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.
Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.
Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?
Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.
Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!
Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!
Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?
Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?
Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.
Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?
Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.
Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?
Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.
Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)
Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.
Voice: Psst. Kid.
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?
Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…
Voice: Come into the alley.
(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)
Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.
Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.
Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”
Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.
Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.
Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?
Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?
Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day
Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!
Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.
Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?
Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.
Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.
Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?
Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.
Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.
Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?
Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.
Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)
Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.
(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)
Tagged People: Matt Sussman
name = alabasterknight
email = firstname.lastname@example.org
use_email = yes
type = 80′s cereal commercial
title = Gremlin’s cereal commercial song
submission = I am trying to find this commercial song. My best friend turns 30 years old next month and I am making a CD for her. We have been friends for 20 years. Please help!!!!
Tagged People: alabasterknight
“Doc” “Shrink” “Quack?” Why are doctors called quacks? My Doctor told me to take a bath in Oatmeal when I told him I had itchy skin. Now tell me, how is a doctor NOT a quack? I had a Math Teacher who couldn’t speak clearly and couldn’t teach (in fact he got fired from the excessive complaints). He wasn’t Mr. Jamin*…he was Dr. JAMIN*. Doctors are all around us. I mean look at the silly quotes they make up: “An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor away.” Hell if that were true I’d eat more apples then Washington State ever had! I mean if you ever watch any commercials about medicine you’ll hear: ” 9 out of 10 doctors agree that so-and-so medicine works.” It seems to me that quacks can never make up there mind! It’s always 7 out of 10 or 18 out of 20, but never 20 out of 20! I bet the medicine companies had to bribe doctors to agree with each other, let alone actually support the medicine. Bottom line is: DOCTOR’S ARE QUACKS!
*His name was changed to keep him private and to hide his true stupidity to the outside world.
this is a transcription of the theme song to words, through memory…it may not be exact. If you want to know what the fuck Adiboo was, it was a kids software program. Adiboo was an alien kid or something.
Always got a lotta things to do!
Best of all
its up to you!
with a cool cool pal called
Who does the building? (I do I do)
Who does the driving? (I dooooooo!)
Its me and you
and you and me
and me and you and ADIBOO!
Ooo, ooo! Oooo!
(legal junk said really fast)
I wrote this for English in my senior year of high school in 2004.
A man with a briefcase walks out onto the sidewalk. In the country Yahoo 57, one of many owned by the corporation Yahoo, the sidewalks moved you along to your destination. The year was 2082, and the man had a calm look on his face. Thirty seconds after getting on the sidewalk, squares formed into a disconnected globe around the top half of the man’s body.
The squares were green, until images started appearing inside the squares. The images started advertising different products that were being sold. The products advertised ranged from hair products to exercise weights. Each commercial didn’t last for more than 5 seconds before another took its place.
As he was transported along the sidewalk, other people on the sides of the road were surrounded by similar green globes, even a baby in its carriage. About 10 minutes later, the man stepped off the sidewalk. After finishing their last messages, the green squares disappeared. On his way into the Yahoo 57 Capital Building, the man had already decided how he would use his next paycheck.