WoW Chat #25540

In trade chat, I’m trying to sell some pants…

davepoobond: WTS  [Phase-Twister Leggings] 5k

Headboss: lolwha

davepoobond: hard for you to read bruh?

Headboss: Those are worth about 100g brah

davepoobond: so youre an economist too?

Headboss: Did you want me to farm you an entire level 85 set in 5 minutes?

davepoobond:  so go do it

Headboss: Omw there now, prob upgrades to your chitty gear?

davepoobond: more like upgrades to your attitude

Headboss: Oh man

davepoobond: WTS  [Phase-Twister Leggings] 4.9k

Mirayu: is that meant for people leveling? or do people still play at lvl 85 cap?

davepoobond: transmog

Mirayu: oooh

Divinethis: look like shit

davepoobond: tell blizzard

Mirayu: guess i cant see it with my robe on, lol

Headboss: Pretty funny you’re trying to sell a vendor item in trade… for 5k

Headboss: Maybe you’re just exceptional at trolling

davepoobond: pretty funny that you care so much

davepoobond: go farm me an 85 set, what are you still doing in shrine

Headboss: I already farmed it bro

davepoobond: the only thing you sowed is your destruction

 

Hate Mail #22173

In response to http://squackle.com/22014/screwed-up-chronicles/knights-of-mayhem-tv-show-review/

Someone had shared the post with their friend “Ron” and he had sent this back as a response to me…

From: Ron

Subject: Re: [Shared Post] Knights of Mayhem (TV Show) Review

I’m willing to bet that the guy that wrote this is a un-muscled, non-competative type that has never risked anything other than his opinion, his verbal diaria, or his know-it-all attitude all his life. So men who climb mountains, run rapids, play footbal for free, jump horses, ride in Rodio’s must all be
losers in this guys book. Guess we must  add hockey players to the mix. Some men love challenge. If I was still the man I used to be, I’d jump at the chance to do this, just to be able to sit at a table with the kind of men that have the kind of balls to try and do it. That’s whats clearly missing
in the man that wrote the critique. Ron

 

Gross-Out Top 5 Lists

Always…

1) Look both ways before crossing the street. (Road kill should always be small animals.)

2) Eat your cereal before it gets soggy. (Gag me with the spoon.)

3) Drink your milk before it gets hot. (Barf, anyone?)

4) Clean those crusty things out of your eyes before you try to walk around in the morning.

5) Give your teacher an apple; just check for worm holes and rotten parts.

Never…

1) Eat greasy food before going on a roller coaster. (Sometimes what goes down does come up.)

2) Pick your nose and park it on the bedpost. (Who wants to see that later?)

3) Have Doritos before going on anything resembling a date. (Breath with a bad attitude.)

4) Drink anything anybody hands you. (Lugey alert!)

5) Wet the bed if you’re on the top bunk.

 

Plastic Straws

Ok, there is something i really do not get, thoes stupid plastic straws that come in colorful, fun-looking bags, then when you open them, it is just a bunch of cheap stupid CRAP!! I mean, you cant even drink with them, its just one of those things thats supposed to help you do something, but just really messes you up more than anything!! you see, whenever you stretch out the little bendy parts of it, it gets a hole in it, so being the stupid person that you are, you dont notice and you go about your business, doing whatever, while you try to slurp on your crap and grape juice gets

all over you!

so then when you write a complaint letter to the stupid company and they dont even bother to write back, because they have the whole “im better than you because i make colorful straws that dont work for a living, and you are just some idiot with grape juice on your shirt” kinda attitude!! stupid plastic straw thingys!!

 

GODZILLA Rampage in Ida, Michigan

Oh no! Godzilla is on a rampage in downtown Ida, Michigan! There is no way to stop him! “Well, actually,” said the really smart scientist guy, “there is a way to stop him.” “Really? Hmmm…no, I don’t believe it,” said the big mean general guy, “I say you are a dumb scientist who doesn’t know anything. I think we should blow him out into orbit with my new nukes I got!”

“NO!! You’ll KILL US ALL!!”

“Shut up, you crazy scientist whose plans never involve using my new nukes I got two weeks ago,” said the general. Then he put two fingers in the scientists face and said, “Two!…..do you see? Thats two weeks! Thats a lot of days! Do you realize that I could have had breakfast fourteen times in that span of time?? ….Actually, I did…that just shows you how long that is!”

“Alright, alright,” said the scientist, “you can use your nukes but as soon as they don’t work, I get to do my plan.”

“Yeah, we’ll see….”

They both jump into the general’s suped up “Hummer” and peel out of the trailer park. Suddenly the general stops the car. “That’s far enough, scientist boy. I didn’t buy this hummer so I could chouffer dumb scientists around. I’ll come back if my plan fails. …maybe,” said the general as he pushed the scientist out of the car.

The general (whose name was Bob) sped down Main Street really fast. He was probably going really fast, but he didn’t know for sure because his speedometer was broken. He knew he had to kill Godzilla before Godzilla destoryed the world…or at least downtown Ida. Bob smiled to himself. He didn’t really have any nuclear weapons. He was suprised he fooled the scientist (whose name was Albert).

“I thought scientists were supposed to be smart!” said Bob, “Or at least the smart ones should be…” This puzzled Bob. Why had the scientist smiled? Did he smile? Maybe the scientist had just pretended to smile, just to fool Bob. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” said Bob, as he pulled over next to Godzilla.

Meanwhile, back at the trailer park…

It sure was a long walk to Godzilla, but Albert knew a shortcut….no, he actually didn’t, he just likes to have a positive attitude. He had walked one mile already, and he was only halfway there. he could be there in half an hour, if he walked slow.

Half an hour was exactly how long Bob needed to fill his car’s gas tank with nitro glycerin. He would then offer Godzilla his car, and as soon as Godzilla turned the key…BOOM!! …Or he would just make Godzilla step on the car. The general smiled at himself and thought, “What am I smiling about? Maybe I’m just a happy person.” Just then the general finished filling his car with nitro glycerin. Now all he had to do was make Godzilla step on it.

Just then Albert came over. “I guess I made it just in time, right Bob?” said Albert. “Don’t call me Bob,” said Bob.

“We have to stop Godzilla before he destroys the world!”

“I know that! Now get on top of my car and use this megaphone to talk to Godzilla.”

“Talk?? But…what? What should I say?”

“Talk scientist babble.”

“Umm…okay…ahem,” said Albert into the megaphone.

Godzilla looked over at them.

“Yes, well…,” said Albert, “Um….did you know that the gravitational pull-”

Albert was cut off by the giant explosion that occured when Godzilla jumped on top of the scientist and blew up the car. Bob was kind of smart. He knew that any giant monster hates scientists that want to kill them. They especially hate it when the scientists talk.

Bob, Albert, and Godzilla were all killed in the blast. (or at least Godzilla was, the other two were probably killed when Godzilla jumped on them)

The End

 

Top 10 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.

8. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn’t considered kinky.

5. If you don’t like what you get, you can just go next door.

4. It doesn’t matter if anyone hears you moaning and groaning.

3. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

…and the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex…

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

 

Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up

Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”

 

Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

 

So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.

 

I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

 

I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.

 

I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.

 

I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”

 

One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

 

I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”

 

I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.

 

I lost a buttonhole.