Squacklecast Episode 9 – “We Make Them Only to Kill Them”

This entry is part 9 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

Summer movies are in full swing, and this time we take a look at Prometheus as well as the upcoming summer schedule of movies.  Its a big year for super heroes but not much else to get excited about.

WARNING: THERE ARE SOME PROMETHEUS SPOILERS!  You can skip to about a third of the way through and skip all the Prometheus stuff if you care.

Prometheus is a film that raises more questions than answers, like:  “Why would you kill Charlize Theron?” and “Why didn’t we see that scene with Charlize getting it up the butt from the big black dude?”

And there’s also all that hullabaloo about the origins of man and the beginnings of the Xenomorphs, but that’s all secondary.

Inception noise?  Meet your match:  PROMETHEUS NOISE!

Adam Sandler is intentionally making shitty movies.  Its the only explanation.  He just needs to stick with family comedies and dramatic movies, apparently.

This summer has a list of movies it wants to murder, and its gotten a few of them already:

Battleship: Sunk

The Dictator: Assassinated

Dark Shadows: Black Eye

Chernobyl Diaries: Nuked

Prometheus: Hospitalized (In the baby ward)

That’s My Boy: Murdered

Rock of Ages: Murdered

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Pending Assassination

Brave is another one of those Pixar movies that I’ll probably just hate.  I hate more Pixar movies than I do like them, apparently.

Owen Wilson:  I don’t like his voice, and I don’t like his face.

Finding Nemo had the worst characters of any Pixar movie ever.

The Good Dinosaur is probably just The Good Shepherd but with real dinosaurs, not people you could call dinosaurs.

Its actually worse than that.  It has Lil’ Wayne in it.

Pixar has an impressively boring list of upcoming movies.

Magic Mike has Channing Tatum in it.  Like, OH EM GEE.

Directed by Steven Soderbergh, no less.

How does Tyler Perry keep making movies?  He’s like Adam Sandler but successful.

Katy Perry: Part of Me: Pending Stage Collapse

Savages: Dead on Arrival

Step Up Revolution: Someone Will Step Down (In the government.  Get it? Revolution?  Government?  Step Down?)

The Watch: Legally murdered.  Maybe.

Total Recall: Unfortunate Death Due to Lack of References.  Please resubmit an application.

Expendables 2: Expendable (get it?)

ParaNorman: Already Dead

Resident Evil: Retribution: Been Dead

Sean Bean: Died 20+ times.  Save Sean Bean!

That’s it for this week, folks.  Hope you like our rudimentary coverage of what’s to come for this summer in the movies.

If you want to be on the Squacklecast, let us know!  We can schedule you for an interview and you can hang out with us for an hour.

 

Squacklecast Episode 8 – “Wait Till We Do a Number 9”

This entry is part 8 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

We have a guest this week!  It’s Daniel, the guy that went to the strawberry festival last week.  We put him on the grill and insult his decision for going to the strawberry festival along with his weird two-headed friend, Lucy the Two-Headed Goosey.

Did you have a half naked wannabe Hulk running around during your visit to the theater during The Avengers?  Did he look as bad as this guy who used industrial paint and had to take 20 baths in two days to try to get it off?

Wannabehulk

http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

What have we become? A never ending http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ ad for the http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ Strawberry Festival? http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

In honor of the Zombie Apocalypse, AMC is starting a new show called…

AMC Bath Salts

Zombie Apocalypse 2012:

Guy eating someone’s face off in Florida.

Guy eating his roommates brain in Maryland.

Get off my computer, Jamie Oliver.  You’re not a chemist.  You’re just an asshole.

Silly Jaime Oliver, we shouldn’t be throwing away perfectly edible food.  We should at least ship it off to Africa!

McDonalds used to be a value.  Now they try to sell you everything in bulk so that there is the same perceived value as what was once known as the Dollar Menu.

100 McNuggets

Only 20 bucks!

That new Coldplay song is pretty bad.  It doesn’t even sound like a Coldplay song.

Rihanna looks dumb.  Please remove her from my music and movies.

Rihanna Looks Dumb

Carly Rae Jepsen?  Who stepped in what?  Yet another terrible song for your listening pleasure:

The Sky Is The Limit must be gay code for anal sex.  So is “funnel cake.”

#1 – Piss

#2 – Poo

#3 – Poop and Pee at the same time.

#4 – Poo, Pee, and a Yak (a barf).  Mostly done by bulimics and people who don’t feel very good.

#5 – Opening up your intestine and chopping up parts and throwing it at police (Zombies gotta poop somehow)

The newer Dawn of the Dead introduced running zombies.  Is it really that much weirder than the idea of zombies in the first place?

[Rec] was a “demonic infestation” sort of zombie thing rather than a virus or reanimated corpses due to magic/radiation.   By the way, that was a spoiler.

Want to hire screamers with 13 dB yells or higher to make movies seem more scary than they are.  Apply at the offices of William Castle.

Screamer

Facebook and Mark Zuckerburg jokes are so funny.

The real #5 – Peeing inside someone.  A whole #1, while penetrating them.

#6 – Same thing as #5 but taking a shit on them instead.

#7 – Forced ejaculation

#8 – Vegetables in orifices, coming out.

The #1 (pun intended) defense against Zombies is making a house out of sugary treats.

GingerBread House

#9 – You don’t even need a can opener.  You just peel it back and drop that shit in, then you turn it to medium heat and stir it.

#10 – Strawberry sauce/Period Juice on your Hot Dog.

#11 – “Painting the porta potty.”  The paintbrush is your dick and the porta potty is a person’s ass.

X Squared – all of the above

Boy that was a great one, huh, guys?  Who knows what’s going to happen next week!

 

Squacklecast Episode 7 – “FUCK the Strawberry Festival!”

This entry is part 7 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we watched Chernobyl Diaries, a movie about a bunch of college kids going to Russia to dick around and take Instagrams of ruined buildings and put them in meaningless filters so that they can show off to their friends.  They also bring their crazy knife-wielding soccer coach along for the lulz.

Chernobyl Diaries has an old zombie lady masturbating in a closet in an attic of one of the buildings.  Gross!

Too much Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat in Chernobyl Diaries for my taste.  It’s almost like a boring wedding video.

This is the knife that the soccer coach had.

Cool Knife

Why does Will Smith like making sequels to movies 10 years after the fact?  It’s not like he was doing anything that important in the mean time between movies.  If he’s going to make a shitty movie, he might as well make it while it is still relevant.

Bad Boys (1995) -> Bad Boys II (2003) = 8 years

Men in Black II (2002) -> Men In Black III (2012) = 10 years

I, Robot (2004) -> I, Robot 2 (currently 2015) = ~11 years

Hologram Tupac takes the forefront in Men In Black III, don’t be fooled by the trailers.  They’re pulling a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us.

Ali 2 will be Will Smith walking around with Parkinson’s until he either cures it or dies from it, made in 2018.

Independence Day 2 or even 3?  Welcome to URF again in 10 years!

 

Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith shitting on their White House and blowing up alien landmarks.  How do you like that, mother fuckers!?  Aliens getting shit on all the time!

Kind of sounds like Avatar

Avatar 2 is gonna be at the bottom of the ocean.  Or something.  You heard it here first, Jeff Goldblum is in Avatar 2.

On the flip side of things, Prometheus looks like it’ll be a good movie.

AVP and AVP 2 are no bueno.

Mortal Kombat: Legacy was terrible.  You should watch it.  It was directed by that guy that did Fame.

Street Fighter and The Legend of Chun-Li had it right — only have a story about one character, not 35 million characters at the same time.  That’s about the only thing they did right, and the rest of it was so wrong it was right.

Paul W.S. Anderson is the poor man’s Michael Bay.  And obviously not as good looking.

Dead Or Alive is one of Paul W.S. Anderson’s travesties.  But at least that is better than any of Uwe Boll‘s movies.

The Island is a less classy version of Never Let Me Go.

George Lucas would probably go back into the Star Wars movies and remove Ewan MacGregor’s beauty marks just so that it is consistent through all of the movies.

Kind of something like this:

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

 

And most of all, FUCK THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL!

Did you hear they banned plastic bags in LA?  Fuck that shit!  How am I supposed to line my little trash cans?

Everything is going to be made from the blood of trees now.

The Middle East is just a big fucking desert, who cares what happens to the environment there.  No one freakin lives there anyway.  So let’s toss all of our unused plastic bags into it.

Gobi Plastic Desert

See you guys next week! :licky: