The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses.
The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, “What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?”
“I’m going swimming,” the tourist explained.
“But the ocean is eight hundred miles away,” the Arab informed him.
“Eight hundred miles!” the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. “Boy, what a beach!”
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author’s talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.
She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mic was still on.
Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn’t afraid to tackle any job.
Their ad read: “Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts.”
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn’t reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, “You must be an emergency room worker.”
“No,” she replied with a grin. “I’m an obstetrician.”
It’s that time of the year — the days are getting longer and the weather’s warming up. That means only one thing: time to call in sick.
Here are some actual, road-tested excuses collected in a survey from the job site careerbuilder.com
* I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
* I hurt myself bowling.
* I was spit on by a venomous snake.
* I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
* My monkey died.
“Do you remember first meeting your wife?”
“Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I’d never allow her near the gutter again.”
“Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.”
“Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.”
Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass.
Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: “What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?”
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, “As far as I know, they’re just friends, but there could be something else going on there.”
A New York judge is ready to go through the day’s business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: “Quick…get me a translator.”
Translator shows up and the judge says: “Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?”
The translator says: “Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?”
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: “Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I’ve come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University.”
The translator turns to the judge and says: “Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford.”
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. “Wow, look at that!” he said with appreciation. “It’s my old Plymouth!”
There’s a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.
A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says “Why, I’ll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston.”
“Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?” asked the Bostonian.
“Paul Revere?!” said the Texan. “Isn’t he the guy who ran for help?”
I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie.
“These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish,” I complained.
He asked, “Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?”
I replied, “It doesn’t matter if you Windsor knot, it’s how you play the game!”
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law’s house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call it, “The Buck Stops Here,” and my slogan was going to be, “Bambi: You’ve seen the movie. Now, eat the star!”
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California’s Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.
He immediately sent them a telegram which read, “Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!”