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Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #18455
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.
Joke #18454
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Joke #18453
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
Joke #18452
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Joke #18451
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Joke #18450
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Joke #18449
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.
The second threw his watch and made only tow steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.” How did you do that?” asked one of his friends.
“My watch is 30 minutes slow.”
Joke #18448
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, “HEY! You’re the man who needs a shower!”
Joke #18447
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply…
“Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”
Joke #18446
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating…
“If I can’t eat, I won’t pay!”
Joke #18445
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn’t decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap!
Joke #18442
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”
Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”
“This is my mother.”
Joke #18441
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.
“What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?”
“Low in calories” and “lots of fiber,” were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. “I’ll give you seventy-five cents for it.”
Joke #18440
A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry.
“Oh, Sherry,” she said, “by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion…
“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”