Daves of Our Lives Episode 6

Dave was making the website for SUQUAKLE when suddenly the roof of stumpy’s house came off. It happened to be the Goddess of porno, completely naked and using a dildo as a magic wand. Goddess: ‘Dave! Why aren’t you beatin your shit? DON’T YOU LOVE LOOKING AT NAKED GIRLS ANYMORE? ” Dave: “Sure I do…it’s just Fred fucks me so well!” Goddess: “Oh I see…your gay! I have some gay porn for you!” Before Dave can say anything, she waves her magic Dildo and dave gets a bunch of porn e-mail advertising gay stuff. Dave: “NO BITCH! I AIN’T GAY! FRED IS A GIRL! AND A MIGHTY FINE ONE AT THAT!” Goddess: “Oh well…You may have her now, but when your single, loking at your penis and wishing some hot slut was on it, you’ll come back to me. Goodbye dave.” Dave: “Wait…did you take me off this gay porn e-mail spell?” Goddess: “Hmmm…nope. I hope you know Stumpy whacks off more times then the president of Russia.” She disappears. Dave ponders in thought when Stump comes rushing in. Stumpy: “DAVE! WTF!!! YOU BLEW YOUR LOAD SO HARD IT KNOCKED MY CEILING OFF?” Dave: “No stumpy, it was the porn goddess…” Stumpy: “….Right…I believe you.” A minute later Stumpy kicks his ass out of his house.

 

The Ugly Bunch Episode 1

(theme song)

Here’s a story

Of an ugly lady

Too bad this ho

Did not know

That her daughters were ugly

Here’s a story

Of a smelly man

Who you can’t stay

10 seconds with

or else you would suffocate and die

I wouldn’t wanna be his kids

Then One day this ugly lady met this smelly fellow

And they knew it was much more than a hunch

that this group of ugly people

would make a great ugly bunch

so they got married the next day

and thank God for that

now no one, has to marry those 2 ugly people now

THE UGLY BUUUNNCHH!!!

THE UGLY BUNCH

That’s the way we became the ugly bunch

THE UGLY BUNCH!

THE UGLY BUNCH!

Oh did we mention we had an ugly maid also?

(end of theme song, and the camera has a full face shot of Barfsha)

Barfsha: I’m sooo pretty

(Barfsha is brushing her hair)

Blan: Barfsha, how come you got all the good looks in the family?

Barfsha: because I got all the pretty genes

(Barfsha has a crooked nose, a warped lip, and more “beauty moles” than her actual skin)

Barfsha: I’m so yummy

Just Plain: hi, I’m underage

(Just Plain drinks beer)

Just Plain: its sooo good.

(Mom and Dad are having sex on the ceiling but crash through the roof onto the couch)

Dad: damn, did it again!

Made: Now I have to clean it up…

Too: ha, stupid maid

Very: shut up. Go eat my boogers

Too: only if unbelievably comes too

Unbelievable: suck it!

Made: ok!

(Made and Unbelievably go upstairs)

(a man comes out of a closet and launches a rocket at the camera)

(technical difficulties)

(end)

 

The Reindeer Show Episode 1

Ho Ho Ho

 

Blitzen: hello everyone! Welcome to the first episode of The Reindeer Show, picked up by the greatest broadcasting station ever, SBC!

 

Comet: Only SBC would put this kind of crappy show with talking reindeer on!

 

Prancer: Yeah! And not only do we get to stay on during Christmas only, we get to stay on the air all year round

 

Comet: not like we’ve got anything else to do the whole year…before we were picked up by SBC, we were on public broadcasting in Santa’s Village only

 

Blitzen: but Santa hooked us up

 

Santa (laughing): ho ho ho!

 

Comet (blinks): right…lets show some clips from the public broadcasting before we got onto SBC!

 

(fade out)

(fade in, the camera is shaking)

 

Blitzen: Prancer, I can’t hold the camera

 

(you can see a fire next to the edge of the screen)

 

Prancer: give me that!

 

(Prancer tries to get it, but the camera falls into the fire, finally stopping to shake. You can see the reindeer behind the flames)

 

Prancer: great. Get Rudolph in here!

 

(the scene cuts to outside again, recording Rudolph trying to get the camera, putting his leg in, put pulling it out over and over)

 

Prancer: oh, just get it already!

 

(Prancer kicks Rudolph in the ass, and Rudolph launches into the fire, and the gate on the fireplace locks shut)

 

Prancer: ehh….oops?

 

(fade out)

 

Donner: that tape cracks me up

 

Blitzen: how nice of you to join us, Donner

 

Donner: yes it is, isn’t it

 

Prancer: where’s the other guys?

 

Donner: um…staying away until the author can remember their names

 

Prancer: oh…kay….

 

Blitzen: the hell does that mean?

 

Donner: excuse me?

 

(Vixen cartwheels into a stack of Chia Pets)

 

Vixen: chia pets!

 

Santa: ho ho ho!

 

Mrs. Claus: Santa said, “didn’t I tell you never to cartwheel into the Presents That No One Wants Anymore Even If They Are Free Pile?”

 

Vixen: look at all this crappy stuff!

 

Prancer: hey, you’re right! While we’re looking through this shit, here’s another clip. Its supposedly a ransom video we made…

 

(fade out)

(fade in, you see Rudolph tied on a chair and blindfolded)

 

Rudolph: hello? Anyone here??

 

(Vixen walks in front of the camera, in a ski mask)

 

Vixen: hello…SANTA. We’re revolting against you. I’m afraid Christmas just won’t be this year. We have all revolted…except goody-two-shoes Rudolph here

 

Rudolph: hello? Vixen, this isn’t funny!

 

(Donner walks over to Rudolph and punches him in the stomach)

 

Donner: quiet, you!

 

Rudolph: owwww….

 

Vixen: but! There is a way you CAN have Christmas this year. Increase out food supply and pay by 200%!

 

Donner: If you don’t, we’ll tear Rudolphs genitals off! Then there will be no more reindeer with red stupid nose thingys!

 

(a big rumble, and all of a sudden Santa somersaults from the ceiling, karate chopping Donner)

 

Vixen: oh crap! The elves ratted us out!!

 

(Santa launches into the air, kicking Vixen into the camera, and the scene becomes snowy)

(scene cuts back to Donner, looking through the toys)

 

Donner: alright! I found a Street Shark action figure! And a belt that says “suck me” on it!

 

(Donner puts the belt on and puts his front hooves on his hips)

 

Donner: I’m cool now!

 

Blitzen: you’re still a freak

 

Donner: what’d you say!?

 

(Donner jumps on Blitzen and they start punching each other)

(camera pans to Dasher)

 

Dasher: hey, here’s a funny clip

 

(fades out, and fades in to Dasher, sitting at a table, with various foods on it)

 

Dasher (speaking in a British accent): why, hello there, and welcome to Dasher’s Cooking Show. Today, we will learn a specialty dish, called “Bake-a-Rudolph”

 

(Dahser picks up a big pot and places it in front of him)

 

Dasher: first you get all this crap

 

(Dahser picks up a pile of Reindeer crap in a Ziploc bag)

 

Dasher: then, put it in here

 

(Dasher empties it into the pot)

 

Dasher: then you pee in it

 

(Dasher pees in it)

 

Dasher: then you put Rudolph in here, and voila, put it in the oven and listen to the screaming! For you convenience, we’ve already prepared this dish, its still in the oven right now

 

(Dasher opens the oven door, and Rudolph is swimming around in the pot)

 

Rudolph: Dasher! Get-me-out-of-hereeeee!!!

 

(Dasher closes the oven door, turns around to look at the camera, and shrugs)

 

Dasher: well, seems like its not done yet. See you next time!

 

(fades out, and goes back to all the reindeer sitting in chairs, except Rudolph)

 

Blitzen: well, that’s all for today. Next time, we’ll probably do some more new mindless crap

 

Prancer: we would like to assure you that Rudolph is still alive (unfortunately), but he couldn’t join us today, because we cuffed him to the North Pole

 

(all the reindeer wave)

 

Everyone: good bye!

 

(end)

 

Don’t Do Drugs (Please)

This was done for class.

 

 

 

EXT. BACK YARD – DAY

 

Two friends on patio chairs are talking.

 

Soup Nazi

(lazily)

Arr! I want the rockin’ chair

 

Daek

Give me a rock!

 

Soup Nazi picks up a rock and hands it to Daek

 

Daek

No, you idiot! I mean a rock of coke!

 

Daek pulls out a violin, and Soup Nazi starts laughing hysterically

 

Soup Nazi

HAR HAR HAR! That’s some good Banjo playin there!

 

ANOTHER ANGLE where EDDY walks into frame and looks at camera

 

Eddy

A quiet day in the backyard, shooting and smoking anything you can find. This leads to uneducated, homeless, and broke people. (pause) Don’t…do…drugs…please…

 

Eddy walks off camera. Daek and Soup Nazi are laughing like pirates

 

FADE OUT

 

Pornography PSA

I found this.

A living room with a kid sitting on the couch watching TV

 

Parents Enter the room Mother: “Honey, We are going to be going out now, well be at dinner and a movie”

 

Child: “Ok mommy I love you, bye Daddy”

 

Mother: “ We have our cell phones in case of an emergency”

 

Very interested in watching the TV – Child: “Ok mommy”

 

Father: “And son, don’t stay up zoning out on the TV”

 

Child: “OK Dad, goodbye”

 

Fades to black and then fades to a clock

 

Door opens – Mother: : “Honey we are home”

 

Father: “Son are you still up?”

 

Son is asleep on the couch with the remote in his hand, the TV is dim

 

Mother: “Good he is asleep”

 

Father, picks up the remote hits info, and it shows the name of a pornographic film. (Not the movie or any scene of it ( keeping the PG motif))

 

Father: “O dear honey, look at this”

 

Mother: “My gosh”

 

Father, angrily: “Wake up son, wake up now we need to talk”

 

Child – Waking up groggly: “Huh? What is it?”

 

Father: “ We need to talk about something son”

 

Child: “What is it?”

 

Father – points to TV: “What is this?”

 

Child: “Um uh I can explain… It is uh this uh”

 

Father ( interupting): “Save it son, I cant believe you left the TV while you were sleeping, don’t you care about the energy crisis we aer going through? WE have to CONSERVE!”

 

Child: “Ok daddy, I’ll conserve” with a sly grin

 

END

 

Behind the Lyrics – Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

Fun fact: this was actually made into a real movie for school.

The SBC Behind The Lyrics title screen displays.

Announcer

On this edition, of Squackle! Broadcasting Company, Behind The Lyrics…

A picture of the members of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets comes up

Announcer

You will experience, happiness, sadness, and anger as the members of the group…when Behind The Lyrics tells the story….of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

The SBC Behind The Lyrics title screen displays again.

Another picture of the rap group appears, staying on the screen.

Announcer

From Acornville, Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets was composed of 3 original members: Mark Petroleum, the main lead singer, Keith Bangs the bass player, and Toby Slick, another singer.

In a white room, MARK PETROLEUM is being interviewed

Mark Petroleum

Oh yeah, I remember when we first started out. Man, we were having the time of our life, going from club to club. BUT THAT WAS OF COURSE BEFORE I HATED THEM ALL….

Another picture of the group appears.

Mark Petroleum

Yeah, it was great, we went from club to club, doing our performances. I don’t even think we got paid for most of them. Just so that people would know about us. But basically we were going nowhere.

Another member, KEITH BANGS is being interviewed in a white room as well.

Keith Bangs

We were going nowhere. Me and Toby wanted OUT of Acornville.

Another member, TOBY SLICK is also being interviewed in the room too.

Toby Slick

So I went down to Keith Bangs’ and said, “we got no money, what we gonna do?” and so he says “FUGGET ABOUT IT….lets get rid of Mark”

A still picture of Keith and Toby “yelling” at Mark appears

Announcer

Just as the band was starting off, Keith and Toby couldn’t stand staying in Acornville, and decided the problem was Mark.

Goes back to Mark.

Mark Petroleum

I don’t know what was wrong with my singing…I thought we were rockin!

Goes to a “performance” with Mark singing really bad.

Goes to Keith in the white room

Keith Bangs

I mean, we were supposed to be a rap group, and he’s over here singin opera! What kind of a rap group is that?

Goes to Toby.

Toby Slick

We OBVIOUSLY had to get rid of him. And another thing, he SMELLED like CRAZY. Everytime he opened that gaping of hole of his, you could smell last night’s Chinese!

Goes to a picture of Mark with his mouth open.

Announcer

Mark’s bad habits and bad singing were the root of all the unsuccessfulness that they had.

Goes to the picture of Keith and Toby arguing with Mark.

Keith Bangs

Pretty soon after Toby came over to my apartment, we had to kick him out…and get a new singer. So that meant making auditions.

Goes to a picture of Mark, Keith and Toby sitting at a table in a row.

Keith Bangs

I don’t know why Mark was there, I guess he was helping us out get a replacement for him

A scene of Mark, Keith, and Toby sitting at the table, watching auditions for singing, like American Idol.

Someone is singing already and then he stops.

Mark Petroleum

Now there’s two things, you need to be in this group. One – is image. The other is voice. And C is talent. You’ve got none! I NEVER WANNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. YOU WANNA REPLACE ME IN THIS GROUP, YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE

Keith Bangs

Girl, that was great. You go girl….out the door. Yeah go now.

Toby Slick

Now I can see some potential in that….the potential to GET OUTTA HERE

The singer pouts and then leaves.

Goes to a still picture of Edmonem

Announcer

And that’s when Edmonem came in the door.

Goes back to Keith.

Keith Bangs

I know my singers, and Edmonem was a good singer…..yeah….

Goes back to the scene with the American Idol thing.

Edmonem hums a few bars and sings a little bit, and then stops.

Mark Petroleum

YOU’RE BAD. BAD BAD BAD. NO WAY YOU’RE GETTING IN THIS-

Keith Bangs

YOU’RE IN!

Toby Slick

Oh yeah.

Goes to a still picture with Edmonem, Keith and Toby.

Keith Bangs

Yeah, our band was getting off to a good start. Oh YEAHHH!

Goes to a picture of Mark Petroleum, all alone.

Toby Slick

But after we kicked Mark out, he was never the same. He became addicted….to soap.

Goes to a picture of Joy Soap.

Mark Petroleum

Gosh, I just love soap…especially Joy. It made me joy….ful…. Gimme…… I NEED IT! AHHH!

Goes to Mark, and he’s just looking around.

Mark Petroleum

…..sweet…..delicious….soooooaaappp….

Mark pulls out a syringe full of soap and squirts it out into his hands, laughing maniacally.

Goes to a still picture of Mark on the floor with a soap bottle next to his head.

Keith Bangs

I mean, Mark just went crazy after he left. Every time he came over to my house, he used up all my soap. I think in one week, I spent 70 dollars worth of soap, just so I could wash my hands.

Toby Slick

It sickens and saddens me every time I see Mark. He always had pruned fingers.

The picture switches to Keith, Toby, and Edmonem standing around

Announcer

As soon as Mark was booted out of the band, Keith, Toby, and Edmon went right away from underground to mainstream rap, without even being signed on to a record label.

The Record Executive, HABIBI THE CRAZY JUMPING ARAB is being interviewed in the white room.

Habibi

So one day, I heard this great song on the rap station, K-RAP, and I say “Whoa, who is dis? Sign’m up, habibis!”

A still picture of Habibi hugging Keith Bangs.

Announcer

Keith and Habibi got pretty “buddy buddy” and often went to many parties with each other, after they got signed to Kabangaranga Productions

Keith Bangs

Yeah, I guess you could call me spoiled, but hey that’s just the way I am..

Pictures of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets go through.

Toby Slick

That stupid Keith, I was supposed to be the Record Exec’s best friend! ME ME ME ME ME!

Goes back to Mark

Mark Petroleum

Why are you asking me this question? I have no idea what happened! I’m not even in the band…

GUY WITH A BAG ON HIS HEAD is getting interviewed now

Guy with Bag On his Head

Whoo whoo! Ahahaah! WHEE!

Another still picture of the band.

Announcer

After getting signed up, they made lots of money, but barely enough to uphold their lifestyle of living in garbage cans outside McDonalds, and they soon learned that they weren’t getting the bulk of their money.

The group’s manager, K SO is being interviewed

K So

Yeah, so what if I stole most of their money? But in the end, I SHOULD be getting this much money. Lemme show you my reasoning.

K So brings out a piece of paper and a pencil, and the camera focuses in on it.

K So

So lets say GTPS makes “x” amount of dollars. You divide that by 4, and you get x over 4 then you take the square root of x over 4 then you multiply it by a hundred and divide it by 10 then multiply it by 798, subtract 32 cents and you get my fair share.

Goes back to Toby Slick

Toby Slick

Man, we was only getting like 8 cents a show man. THAT’S robbery! We weren’t even getting minimum wage! I bet we’d have made more money working at Toys R Us as a shoe salesman than what we were doing.

Goes to Keith Bangs

Keith Bangs

Oh, I didn’t care. I was living in Habibi’s 15 bedroom guest house in Beverly Hills!

Goes to Edmonem

Edmonem

Right, so I was like “WHAAAT FOO” We aint getting no MONEY? I convinced Keith and Toby that we should KICK-K-SO-OUT of the system, and become our own managers

Goes to K So

K So

AHAHA..wouldn’t they know, it’d be the end of their careers? Being your own managers makes you get too much money, and you don’t even do anything when you’re manager….ummm….yeah..I don’t know what I just said…never mind…heheh…heh…heh…..don’t you have someone else to interview?

Goes to Edmonem

Edmonem

Little did we know…hehe…it was a little…umm…too much for us to handle.

Goes to Toby Slick

Toby Slick

I wanted money man…I had my NEEDS man. I mean, I stayed friends with Mark, and it was a lot of money keeping my house stocked with soap for him to bask in. In a sense, it WAS his fault.

Goes to Mark Petroleum

Mark Petroleum

I hated them all, I wanted to destroy them all, even if it took one soap bottle at a time.

Announcer

After a while, it got too much for everyone, and they decided that it was time to permanently….hold on let me turn the page….get rid of him.

(screen goes black)

(end)

 

The Barney Love Connection Episode 1

(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)

(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)

(audience is clapping)

 

Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!

 

(audience cheers loudly)

 

Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: now let’s welcome our first loser: Mr. Dan Dan the Motorcycle Man!

 

(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)

 

Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!

 

(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)

(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)

 

Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…

 

(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)

 

Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…

 

(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)

 

Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.

 

Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!

 

Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!

 

(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)

 

audience: ewwww!

 

Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…

 

Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!

 

(everyone says something different)

(everyone quiets down)

 

Idiot: number 8!!

 

(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)

 

Idiot: squash

 

(Idiot dies)

 

Dan Dan: hmm….

 

Barney: have you made up your mind!??

 

Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!

 

(annoying bells ring and lights flash)

 

Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!

 

(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)

 

Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!

 

(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)

 

Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….

 

(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)

 

Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!

 

(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)

 

Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!

 

(end)

 

Pablo and Georges

Soup Nazi: Hi, I’m Pablo Picasso. I like to do art stuff and….draw…and paint in cubed drawing. Whee! I’m Spanish.

stimpyismyname: hello, I’m Pablo’s friend Georges Braque. I’m Spanish, too. I like to draw and paint, so maybe you should like our paintings. Let’s get some customer feedback.

davepoobond: these paintings are pieces of crap! But I love’m all!

Sara: yes, these are so bad, they’re good

Lisa: these paintings are very popular and you can’t even make out what they are drawing!

Soup Nazi: I’m such a great artist, aren’t I, Georges?

stimpyismyname: yes, I am too.

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

(end)

 

The Death of Mrs. Stickums

This is the prequel to “The Attack of Mrs. Stickums”


(Mrs. Stickums is tied to a post)Mrs. Stickums: give me one last Chupa Chu! Please I beg of you!

Commander of firing squad: no last requests for smelly fat blonde Health teachers born in China that boast about it!

(a line of guys with rocket launchers line up next to the commander and arm their rocket launchers. They aim at Mrs. Stickums)

Commander (waves his sword): FIRE!!

Mrs. Stickums: NOOOO!

Commander: YEEEESSS!!

Mrs. Stickums: noooo!

Commander: yeeess!

Mrs. Stickums: no!

Commander: yes!

(all this takes about 10 minutes)

(the guys finally fire, and blew Mrs. Stickums up…but!)

Mrs. Stickums: haw haw haw! Now I have enough power to escape!

Commander: oh NO! she’s so fat she absorbed the energy from the rocket explosions!

(Mrs. Stickums blasts off with her fart power and sparkles in the distance)

Commander: well…too bad we didn’t just leave her there to starve, instead…we killed the universe…

Guy 1: seriously, how long do you think that’ll take for her to starve?

Commander: who knows??!

(everyone turns to the camera and shrugs, the rockets going off again, killing them)

(that means no one knows Mrs. Stickums escaped!)

(end)

 

Jim-Bob-Bob-Jim

Bob: Hey Jim Bob!

Jim: Hey Bob Jim!

Bob: What’s Jim Bob up to?

Jim: I’m eating corn cob and Jim-Jim-Henery

Bob: Might I have a taste?!

Jim: Fuuuuuck no! He’s mine.

Bob: Fuck you, Jim-Bob! I think your gay!

Jim: your sister would say different, ass!

Bob: my sister is your sister!

Jim: ….oh yea! She was great.

Bob: you sicko! That ain’t normal! Sisters is for kissing and buying beer, not for having relations!!!

Jim: Well who isn’t related to us?

Bob: Old Freida

Jim: She’s dead!

Bob: But she’s in this town. Our last non-related neighbor was Cletus, but he gone turned yellow and went to Holly Wood

(a car pulls up with Cletus)

Cletus: hey y’all! I done come back to says my for-tune is gone, I spents it on malt liquor and purty ladies wigs

Bob and Jim: You got any food? We could go fer some!

Cletus: only corn cobs!

Bob and Jim: YAY!

Cletus: But! Only if you kindly hands over your ladies wigs! I just loooooooooooooove ladies wigs

(Bob and Jim head over to Old Freida’s grave)

Bob: there she be….lets screw her!

(Jim holds Bob back)

Jim: no! we’ve comes for her hair!

(Jim peels her scalp off)

Bob: lets go get our cobs!

(They got back to Cletus, who is masturbating on a lamp post)

Bob: we got your wig!

Cletus: I’m so sorry boys! I throwed ’em in my toilet and watched them spin around. I only meant to clean them!

Bob: you inbred BASTARD!

Cletus: Look who’s talken!

(Bob lights the lamp post on fire)

Cletus: oh boy, looks like this is my humble demise, save me Jim!

(Jim is fucking a goat)

Jim: Wha….what?!

(Cletus catches on fire)

Cletus: Bye mommy! Bye daddy!

Jim: Bye son!

Bob: Bye brother!

(Jim and Bob wave)

(Cletus melts into a yellow puddle, and a dog pees in it)

(Dog laps up the puddle, Jim barfs)

(end)

 

Daves of Our Lives Episode 5

Dave is beatin his shit…then a knock on the door is heard. He opens the door and it’s Mr. T! Mr. T: “ASSHO!” Dave: “I KILL YOU!” They wrestle and dave kicks Mr. T’s ass. Then Dave is about to go beat his shit but another knock is heard. Dave opens the door and it’s Fred. Fred: “DAVE I MISSED YOU! LETS HAVE HOT SEX AT STUMPY’S HOUSE!” Dave: “Ok!” They go to Stumpy’s house and Dave knocks on the door. Stumpy opens the door….naked…..and says: “What the hell are you two doing here?” Dave kicks stumpy outside and Dave goes inside with Fred and they fuck all day long. After a long time Fred says: “Dave…did you finish the SUQUAKLE website?” Dave says: “No but i’ll dance right now.” So Dave starts dancing for no reason. Fred then says: “THATS IT DAVE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ASSHOLE!” She storms out of Stumpy’s house. Dave then goes to Stumpy’s computer and starts working on SUQUAKLE website. Suddenly a loud noise is heard and the roof of Stumpy’s house comes off!

 

The Case of the Missing X Box’s Box

This is a Shitlock Holmes adventure


Holmes’s is beating Watchman, his assistant, in a game of twister. They are in there office. Watchman falls ontop of Holmes…It looks really gay. Just then the secretary walks into the office.Secretary : Uh…ok?

Holmes : Well what is it bitch?

Secretary : You got a call, some teenager lost his X Box. He wants you and your gay lover to help.

Holmes : Thanks slut, next time bring one of your thousands of boyfriends to help us solve the case.

Secretary flips him off and slams the door of his office. Holmes gets up, kicks Watchman off the mat and rolls it up. Watchman rols back his sleeve reveling his arm full of watches…what the fuck?

Holmes : Well Watchman, we got a case finally.

Watchman : Ye-

Holmes : Shut up and get me my coat.

Watchman gets the coat and they walk out. They arrive at Jimmy P.’s house an hour late because Watchman is stupid and can’t drive for shit. He hit like 5 grandma’s and 2 stop signs. Anyways, Jimmy P. opens the door when he hears the crash outside his house. What a surprise, Watchman drove into the side of the house.

Jimmy : WHAT THE FUCKKKK!!!!!!!!

Watchman : So-

Holmes : Shut up Watchman

Jimmy : WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?

Holmes : Sorry, anyways where’s the crime scene?

Jimmy : DON’T ANYWAYS ME, YOU CRASHED RIGHT INTO MY FUCKIN HOUSE, MY X BOX ISN’T WORTH THE ASS BEATIN’ I’M GETTIN FROM MY GRANDMA WHEN SHE COMES HOME FROM HER WALK!

Holmes looks at Watchman and back at Jimmy.

Holmes : Um did she have belbottom pants and a pink cane and a purple pimpin’ hat?

Jimmy : Yea, why?

Holmes and Watchman : ….

Holmes : um…yeah, she’s probablly laying on the street tired or somethin…we’ll see her when she gets back

Watchman runs to the car and quickly pulls off the Purple Pimp hat thats covered in blood off the bumper and throws it into the neighbor’s yard.

Holmes : Anyways…about that crime scene…

Jimmy : Oh yeah it’s over here…

Jimmy leads them inside to his house, they hop over the car thats in the middle of the dining room and they make there way into his room. Holmes and Watchman survey the scene.

Holmes : The X Box is right here…are you stupid?

Jimmy : No, the other X Box…

Holmes : You have 2 X Boxs?

Jimmy : No

Watchman : it’s 3:01 PM EST

Holmes is confused…

Jimmy : It’s the Box that the X Box came in, thats the real X Box because with out it, you can’t get the X Box…

Holmes : Umm…ok??

Jimmy : It’s stolen…

Holmes : And who gives a shit?

Jimmy : It’s stolen

Watchman goes to the car and pulls out a bag and heads to the bathroom. He dumps the bag into the bathtub and it’s full of…???…WATCHES? WHAT THE FUCK? He takes off his clothes and jumps in. Jimmy heres the noise and goes to the bathroom.

Jimmy : what the fuck???

Watchman : it’s 3:30 PM EST!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy goes to his room and pulls out his baseball bat and walks back into the bathroom. He starts smashing the watches in the bathtub!

Jimmy : WHAT TIME IS IT NOW MOTHA FUCKA!

Watchman gets pissed and tackles Jimmy..they get into a tough game of thumb war… WHAT THE FUCK? Holmes walks in and see’s Watchman and Jimmy thumb wrestling.

Holmes : Watchman, grab your watches and lets go.

Jimmy : But what about my X Box????

Holmes : Fuck your X Box, besides your grandma had it when she was walkin down the street to your house right before we…um nevermind…

Holmes walks quickly over to the car and Jimmy follows.

Jimmy : Right before what?

Suddenly, jimmy looks over to the car and see’s a X Boxs’ Box flattened against the hood of the car covered with blood. Watchman grabs his sack full of watches, forgets his clothes and hops in the car, Holmes follows.

Jimmy : YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watchman drives off crashing into garbage cans n’ stuff…watches are flying out the windows of the car. They make there way back to there office and they crash into the building, even though Watchman is butt naked and his arms and legs are covered with watches. The End.

 

Bye Bye Family

(the family finds out they have a genetic disorder that runs through the family)

Dad: great, just great

Mom: boo!

Kid: ahhhh!

(everyone gets medical tests and have found out they got a bad genetic disorder and are bedridden for life, and a tremendous strain on their family’s financing)

(end)