Squackle.com! The Funniest Site on the Net

The owner of a fan page on Facebook for a local fast food joint’s breakfast burrito is currently having a meltdown.  Instead of the page being about Breakfast Burritos, it is now about lifted Ford trucks, but still retains the Breakfast Burrito name.

Here are some select pieces observed that are worth preserving.

Tags: burrito, food, truck

Tagged People: Facebook, Lucky Boy

This is a satire about the way a certain “parent” would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. The name of this “mother” is Soccer Mom Dave.

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Developer/Publisher: King Games  | Soccer Mom Score:  0/10

How dare they.

They made a game based on candy.

A group of buffoons who have enough gall to create a game so delicious-looking that it influences my children to eat candy!!!!!! All of these developers who made this game will rot in Candy Hell – don’t they know that America’s obesity epidemic starts and ends with the media? Games like Candy Crush Saga influence our children to become stupid, fat, obese adults who want to eat more candy and junk food. Jelly, whip cream, gum balls, exploding candy, chocolate balls with sprinkles that turn everything else into exploding candy! What kind of a sick mind would think of this stuff?

Not only does this game appeal to children, since they put a little child in the game as the main “protagonist” but they also try to appeal to sexy fatherly men who wear suits, just like this butler guy who tells you how to accomplish all of these massively unappealing, evil puzzles while talking in a sultry voice. It is just perfect that this game is a “match-three” game – it influences our children and prospective husbands to always want to eat candy in groups of three, four, or five. Not only that, but you get rewarded for matching higher combos, implying that you will succeed if you eat more candy! What lies are they feeding the general public with their implications!? There are absolutely no disclaimers that this candy is Calorie-Free, or even Fat-Free! Eating candy will kill you. Also, dragons and talking robots do not exist. I don’t know why they even put them in this slow-and-torturous-murder simulator. The dragon probably has diabetes from swimming in sugar water too long.

As if my life wasn’t terrible enough before this game came out, for free, I now have to deal with my children begging me for candy and acting like the whip cream in the game. They hug my knees, and don’t allow me to move until I clear them out. The only way I can get them to leave me alone is by pelting them with candy, just like in the game, and then I can move more freely. Sometimes my children cover themselves with Jelly and the only way to remove the Jelly is by throwing multiple combinations of candy at the Jelly chunks on their faces. My children are also recreating the game board from Candy Crush Saga in our 10-acre backyard with 300+ levels, just like in the game. When my husband gets home, all he does is drink beer and neglect me and my children, so it’s not like he’s going to put a stop to this madness! I wish that I could hire a butler to escort my children around this hugely elaborate candy game that is evolving in my backyard.

And just like the real-life version in my backyard, Candy Crush Saga was probably play-tested by all of three people, none of them paid. What’s the point of balancing a game when you can charge people anywhere from a dollar to FORTY damn dollars to cheat on an unbalanced game? Instead of trying to make the game a “fun,” balanced, and healthy experience, they’ve created a death machine meant to extort money and make the obesity epidemic even worse! Candy Crush Saga takes over the minds of the sheep we call our fellow humans and bleeds them dry for “power-ups” that shouldn’t even exist in a balanced game. No wonder they made 300 levels – you will inevitably be stuck on level 30, and never be able to play the other 90% of the game unless you pay to cheat! The temptation is absolutely unbearable! My children, both with iPhone 5s, have spent nearly 200 dollars each on this game to cheat. In real life, cheating is free — all you have to do is skirt around your obligations and make the other guy pay for the hotel. This game doesn’t teach my children any valuable or “useful” lessons.

Why can’t they make Health Food Saga, instead? It would have relieved my potential stress levels immeasurably. They should have used Fat-free milk, Baby Carrots, Asian Pears, Romaine Lettuce, Cherry Tomatoes and Vitamin Pills.

To conclude, this game needs to be more like real life – STOP PUTTING DELUSIONS IN MY IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN’S HEADS!!! LOOK AT WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY LIFE, MY HOUSE, AND AMERICA!!! BAN CANDY CRUSH SAGA FROM YOUR iPHONES, PARENTS!  THE RESISTANCE STARTS WITH YOU!

Tags: backyard, candy, Candy Crush Saga, carrot, children, chocolate, cream, dragon, iOS game, jelly, milk, mother, Soccer Mom Dave, sprinkles

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Tags: car, truck

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Tags: burrito, food, lunch, truck

“We’re all Mexicans except for me.”

- The Normal Teenager

Tags: Mexico

Tagged People: The Normal Teenager

Everyone knows the birthday song, and quite frankly it sucks.  The only reason you want to sing it is to get to the fun part at the end where you just go on forever making up stupid shit.

I don’t know why you start singing about what’s on television, though.

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And many more, on Channel 4

And Scooby Doo, on Channel 2

And Frankenstein, on Channel 9

And a naked lady, on Channel 80

Tags: birthday, Frankenstein, lady, Scooby Doo, television

This is the version of the playground rhyme that I remember from my elementary school.  There are obviously a lot of variations.

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First the worst

Second the best

Third the nerd

Fourth the one with the hairy chest

Fifth the bitch

Sixth the snitch

Seventh goes to heaven

Eighth goes naked

Tags: bitch, chest, elementary school, hairy, heaven, playground

I wrote this in 2002.

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I remember in a dream I had, that I was stuck somewhere listening to some guy who was talking about chips, and something about “maximum dipping power.”

He was explaining the measurements and junk about the chips and there was this other person saying “come on come on let’s go” to me, but I didn’t because I was interested.

Next I knew I was driving a car in a parking lot looking for a parking space.

Then I woke up.

Tags: A DPB Tag, chips, dream, parking lot

Tagged People: davepoobond

I wrote this in 2002.

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I had a dream that I was the best pitcher on a baseball team, but I knew I wasn’t any good.

So this big championship game or something was there, but I didn’t get dressed, because when I put on my shoes, they caught on fire, then I put the fire out by blowing on it, but it relit, so I put it under the sink and it went out.

But it relit again and I just let it burn.

So the scene changed to the baseball game, and when I wasn’t there, they had a 2 foot tall 10 year old pitch for them instead.

They were losing pretty badly, when the assistant coach finally found me at home, and he said “we’re losing, you have to get dressed and play!” But I said, “no, I don’t want to get dressed!”

Then I woke up.

Tags: A DPB Tag, baseball, dream, fire, pitcher, shoes, sink

Tagged People: davepoobond

I wrote this in 2002.

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I had a dream that I was out in the desert or something. The sand was red and there weren’t any trees, but big rocks every so often. There were a lot of people there, and there were a lot of houses. I wasn’t too far from my house. I looked up at the moon (which was very close). It was really hot, and the moon turned around pretty fast, and it looked the same except it had its own “red eye storm” like Jupiter. It’s kind of hard to describe. Anyway I pointed it out to my mom, and she said “that’s normal, they throw all our trash up there, you know?”

I thought “hmm, all that plastic up there is burning making it hot down here…” It seemed like it was raining fire from the moon. All of a sudden, it blew up. Everyone started screaming and went back inside their homes. After the moon rocks fell, I went over to my friends house, and there was my Grandma. She said his family wasn’t there because my friend was at the hospital. She pointed out the window shutters on the window, and said something about how cheap they were because a rock fell through. Then she disappeared.

Then it rained rocks again.  Afterwards, I was crying and I turned on the TV. To get my mind off everything, I turned on the TV and watched cartoons, while there was another TV with the news on. It had a bunch of people talking about the moon blowing up, and how it was more horrible than September 11. The rocks fell again all of a sudden for the last time. I went outside to see what happened, and there were a lot of people on hospital beds, screaming because trash and rock shot into their body.

I woke up then. What a weird dream. I could barely describe it all. You should’ve dreamed it yourself…to truly understand.

Tags: A DPB Tag, desert, dream, family, grandma, moon, plastic, rain, rocks, September 11, trash, window

Tagged People: davepoobond, grandmapoobond, mompoobond

stimpyismyname had 3 pennies.

He told me that if I guessed which they’d all land on, I could keep the pennies.

If it didn’t land on what I guessed, I had to give him 3 pennies.

I guessed that they would all be tails, and when he tossed them on the ground, they were all tails, but he said I said all heads.

The bastard ended up taking the pennies.

Tags: A DPB Tag, bastard, ground, money, penny

Tagged People: davepoobond, stimpyismyname

I think I wrote this in 10th grade.

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Edgar Allen Poe SUCKS.

Very much so.

When I was writing this, I was sitting through my English class listening to a guy on a tape reading the story “The House of Usher” …which is complete and total crap! I hate how he writes his stories and poems.

The stories have too much description or something. There seems to be sentences within sentences within sentences, and it seems like they’re all fancy words put together to they make each other more fancy, and then there is no real story it seems.

Ooooh. The end of all his stories are so scary…you’re expected to get scared with “-she was dead,” like at the end of “The Oval Portrait”

Ooh. Scary. Dumb. “Never more?” Oooh. Scary.

Die.

Tags: A DPB Tag, English, house, sentence

Tagged People: Edgar Allen Poe

Back in the year 2000, I was hosting Squackle at Angelfire, which was/is a free web host.  I got this e-mail and decided to have fun with them.

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>>>From: “Angelfire Staff” <staff@angelfire.com>
>>>Subject: Password check
>>>Date: Thu, 18 May 2000 20:21:08 -0700

To ensure that your site, http://www.angelfire.com/ca4/squackle , is maintained properly, we periodically request that the webmaster of each site verify his or her password with Angelfire.  Please send your username, along with your password, to zoopx9@hotmail.com, my personal address, so that I can make sure everything is in order.  We hope you continue to use Angelfire to host your webpages in the future.

Sincerely,

Karl
Angelfire staff

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>>>To: zoopx9@hotmail.com
>>>Subject: Re: Password check
>>>Date: Sat, 20 May 2000 08:13:59 PDT

hi!  how are you!  my password is:  jungjung  and my directory is biz/poopers

thank for making me safer on angelfire!

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>>>From: “Tim Groves” <zoopx9@hotmail.com>
>>>Subject: Re: Password check
>>>Date: Sat, 20 May 2000 12:04:02 PDT

Hello again.  I received your e-mail containing the directory and password for your site at Angelfire.  However, the information was inaccurate.  Please verify that what you sent was correct and resend it.  We appreciate your cooperation, and thank you for using Angelfire.
Sincerely,

Karl
Angelfire Staff

Tags: hacker, password, scam, Squackle

Tagged People: davepoobond, Tim "Karl" Groves

I wrote this in 7th grade.

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If I had only three days of sight left on the first I would want to start learning Braille (Braille would be in place of school), at least I would be 3 days closer to learning how to read Braille. After that I would play video games and computer games for an hour. Then I will look at my family and try to remember what their faces look like then I would go to bed.

On the second day I would get up at 5:00 AM and play video games and computer games until it was time for me to learn Braille for six hours then I would go outside and look at the trees, the sky, the cloud, the little dog running up to me like it was attacking me then I would go inside and play video games and computer games for two hours then I would look at my family’s faces then I would stay up all night and watch TV.

On the third day I will watch TV, play video games, and computer games until it was time to learn Braille then after that I would look at my house from the outside, then I would look at my family’s faces then go to bed and hope sometime during my life we will have the technology to have eye transplants.

Tags: A DPB Tag, blind, computer, family, technology, video games

Re-purposing a school assignment I had in high school as a “review.”  I had answered the question below and turned it in as it reads below.

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Do you like this book?  Why or why not?  If you did not like it, you need to be specific and tell me a reason other than it’s “girly.” Show me that you actually read some of it and THEN you decided that you didn’t like it as much as other books that you have read.  This question also implies that you are going to tell me what aspects of other books you DO like.

No, I do not like this book.

This book does not have a rewarding ending, nor does 200 pages of the book between Chapter 1 and Chapter 16 have anything to do with the main conflict of this book.

There is no resolution to any of the stories, and you never find out anything about what happens to anyone.  We learn about stupid things that happen to stupid people we don’t care about.  There are no crossovers in the story or much interaction between any of the different families, that would make us appreciate we know anything at all about these other characters.

When they do actually crossover in the story (I can only remember two times for actual interaction, and only a few times for naming) with anyone outside of their families, it isn’t worthwhile.  If they’re such good friends, shouldn’t they have made more of an impact on them?  I did not see that in this book, and I fail to believe that they really even are anything but flat, stereotypical women who have weird pasts, weird childhoods, and weird ways for coming to America.  All the mothers ever do is criticize Americans.

After I read the last chapter, it made me feel like I wasted many of my weekend hours I could have spent doing other things.

0/10

Tags: A DPB Tag, book review, girl, high school, Joy Luck Club, women

“The moving ocean of people and lights gave the affect of a rustling army of darkness combating the unforeseen holy forces of light, because they’re in the light and this is a bad sentence.87″

- davepoobond

Tags: darkness, grammar, ocean

Tagged People: davepoobond