Tag Archives: wallet

Jokes

You Might Be a Redneck If…

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You Might Be a Redneck If…

…you are one armadillo away from a new pair of boots.

…you clean your fingernails with a stick.

…you never need a menu at Dairy Queen.

…something hisses at you every time you peer into your crawl space.

…the Salvation Army declines your mattress.

…your four-year-old grandson has ever said, “mommy won’t let me light the fireworks with grandpa’s cigarettes anymore.”

…you always take a penny but never leave one.

…your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

…your child’s first words were “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”

…your wife’s “indoor voice” can be heard a block away.

…someone hits your parked car and you don’t care.

…your idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”

…your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

…you regularly light your cigarettes off a stovetop burner.

…you use a ShamWow as a doily.

…your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

CrazE-mails, Ridiculous Spam Mail

Ridiculous Spam Mail #24741: Sad Trip!!!

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From: Sally

Subject: Sad Trip!!!………………………Sally

Message:

I really hope you get this fast. I could not inform anyone about our trip, because it was impromptu. we had to be in Philippines for Tour.. The program was successful, but our journey has turned sour. we misplaced our wallet and cell phone on our way back to the hotel we lodge in after we went for sight seeing. The wallet contained all the valuables we had. Now, our passport is in custody of the hotel management pending when we make payment.

I am sorry if i am inconveniencing you, but i have only very few people to run to now. i will be indeed very grateful if i can get a short term loan from you ($2,250 dollars). this will enable me sort our hotel bills and get my sorry self back home. I will really appreciate whatever you can afford in assisting me with. I promise to refund it in full as soon as soon as I return. You can have the $2,250 dollars. wired to me via Western Union. Have it wired to my name and present location, here are the details you need to have it wired to me..

Receiver’s Name: Sally
Location: <censored>
Country: manila,Philippines

Once you are done Kindly e-mail me the Confirmation details (MTCN) for the pick up of the funds.

Let me know when you head out to Western Union??

Sally

Stories

Apes, Humans, Monkeys

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Apes, humans, monkeys eyes in front of their face easier to grab things, can’t not hitchhike large, forward facing eyes.

New world have strong tails old world don’t new world has flat noses old world has long noses the continents separation made conditions different for each type of world animals homo erectus small, more ape like than modern humans, coudl walk upright, larger brains than reg. apes.

What kind of informatino left by written by them, what kinds of food they were eating.  A wallet or something w/their picture on it.

Heyy Buddy,

Found a homo-erectus fossil and you didn’t.  Aren’t I special?  Neener neener neener!

Sincerely, Dave

Jokes, (C) Misandry Jokes

Joke #18558

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Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren’t sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.

“Measure the bed frame before you leave,” I told him.

“I don’t have a tape measure.”

“You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested, “each one is six inches long.”

“Can’t,” he replied after digging through his wallet, “I only have a ten.”

Lists

Confidence Is…

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What is confidence, you want to know?  Well…confidence is:

– Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.

– Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.

– Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.

– Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.

– Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.

– Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.

Jokes

Joke #10749

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The boss found a boy in the stock room just standing around doing nothing. “How much do you get paid a week?” he asked the boy.

The boy replied, “Twenty dollars.”

Taking a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, the boss gave it to the boy and said, “Here, take this. Now get out of here and don’t come back.”

As the boy walked out the door, the boss said to the manager, “How long has that lazy kid been working for us?”

“He doesn’t work for us,” replied the manager. “He just delivered a package.”

Dictionary

chantica

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chantica – n. someone who doesn’t have their money in their wallet, its buried deep in their backpack and they take an hour to get it out of there.  One would wonder how it got there in the first place.  Another form of this person is if they have their money in their wallet, but their wallet is buried deep in their backpack and they take forever to find it.

Jokes

Joke #5207: Retiring Rabbi

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After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin’s he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man “Can you do anything with these?”

The man says “No problem, come back in two weeks.”

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman “After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet!?!”

The man replies “Don’t worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase.”