Tag Archives: A DPB Tag

Wires

I hate wires. Wires are really really stupid. Wires always get tangled up even if they’re in the same bag with something for 5 damn minutes, and then when you take it out of the bag, its all tangled up with any other wires that were in there, then you gotta spend 30 minutes untangling all the wires from each other, and while you hold a wire in your hand while your unraveling the others, THAT wire tangles up by itself in an even more complicated way, making you unravel the damn wire 2 times. Why can’t they make smart wires? Wires that won’t frickin’ tangle up when you put them together in a bag or whatever? AAAAAAAHHHH!

What is Culture?

Culture is a way of life made up of religion and values, languages, social, or qanizahms customs and traditions, artistic expressions, and economic orginizations made by stupid people, during stupid, untechnological times that probably cant explain what a piece of poop in a can of beans is doing there in the first place, or tell you why i’m writing this thing!

The G8 Summit Meeting: The Truth Behind the Closed Doors

In case you forogt, this is the “Group of 8” Meetings that happened a while ago.

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First, lets talk about how much George W. Bush sucks at being president. My pinky could run the U.S. better than that prick! At least my pinky never touched cocaine………or so I think….. and HE’S GONNA PUT US INTO WW3 because of his fuckin ballistic missile shit! We should launch HIM into the air and blow HIM up like a ballistic missile! That’s the only goodness we’d get out of that system! Here’s a little reenactment of Bush. Sr. talking to his son about the Ballistic Missiles:

 

Bush, Sr.: “Bush, Jr. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!”

 

Bush, Jr.: “I’m….getting ready for Desert Storm!”

 

Bush, Sr.: “You stupid idiot!!!! ::smacks him in the balls::”

 

Bush, Jr.: “Not my sack daddy, please stop smacking them around”

 

Bush, Sr.: “I TOLD you that i won that war a long time ago! Haven’t you seen that fancy pancy movie Three Kings?”

 

Bush, Jr.: “Ballistic missiles are fun to watch blow up Russia with! even though i had gay sex with the leader of Russia- ooooopss!”

 

Mrs. Bush, Jr.: “George! how DARE you! and without ME! I told you to not do anything sexual with any of the foreign leaders unless i was with you!”

 

Anyway. onto the G8 Summit…These are random things that could have happened during the meetings….

 

(Bush, Jr. plays with 2 missiles, making them fly in the air, and then have them crash into each other, throwing the pieces at the members of the G8 Summit committee)

 

Bush, Jr.: “…and so ends my explanation on the Ballistic Missiles”

 

(end)

 

Bush, Jr.: ::nudges the President of France next to him:: hey, sugar….wanna come back to my place?

 

President of France: ::bites Bush’s shoulder::

 

Bush, Jr.: AHHH! SON OF A BITCHHH

 

(end)

 

::Leader of Japan is talking about how Pokémon is good for the heart and soul, when….

 

A WHOLE GROUP OF MALE WHORES COME IN!!::

 

Bush, Jr.: ah! they’re finally here!

 

(end)

 

Bush, Jr.: AUHH! I’M A STUPID FACE POO MOM

 

(end)

Trash Cans – The Portal to Another World

Have you ever been in a trash can? I haven’t, but I’ll tell you why trash cans may be the portal to another world. It may not be an instantaneous portal, but it’s a portal nonetheless.

 

Pretend you’re a Hostess Cup Cake Tray. Oh boy did the person that ate those cupcakes like those cupcakes. “mmmhmm” he even said, as he crumpled you up and stepped on you, that torturous bastard!

 

But you live anyway, as you’re tossed into the trash can. You try to heal your wounds, but it takes a while. That’s when a Janitor Monster comes. He’s so big and smelly its not even funny. He ties up the bag you’ve made a home in, and met your friends Banana Peel and Clothes Tag.

 

Everything is dark now. You’re moving around…going up…oh no! You’re falling! Aaaahhh!!! And finally you’re at the landfill. Nothing happens until night, when…The Aliens COME!!! AAAH!! They take the trash and make new aliens out of you so that one day, the Earth’s trash will kill them! Ironic ain’t it? The aliens give you a lot of sexual pleasure too. Its good to be trash!

It Would Be Really Strange If Cameras Flew

It would be really strange if cameras flew, because they do. Then people with genitalia problems would not be cured, of course. And fire hydrants would explode, just because. There is no reason for cameras to fly, they just take pictures. Pictures steal a soul. Once you die, you become a part of all the pictures that were taken of you for eternity. That is, if you’re lucky. ahahahahahahaahahahahahaha….boo! Scared ya, huh? boohoo, made you cry! Captain Underpants! That’s a good book, you should get it. mmhmm! I have 1 of the 3 that are out.

What Teachers Think About Those “Stupid Clicky Eraser Thingys!”

This portrays what a teacher thinks about when they hear a Clicky Eraser.

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“Aaargh those stupid clicky erasers! stop it! stop using them! Nooooo! click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click! AAAHHH! Its driving me CRAZY! I’m gonna kill that kid! I’m gonna kill the manufactures! I’m gonna kill everyone who has one of them! …good, it stopped! click-click-click-click. AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Ok, get a hold of yourself! umm…sing Lamchop’s play along song! Yeah! That’s it! Its a never-ending song! This is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends. click-click-click-click. This is the click that never ends, it goes on and on my friends! (the fuck?) We just started clicking, not knowing what it was, but that’s because because it is the click that never ends!”

Just about then, this teacher, which will remain anonymous, strangled someone, was sued, and is now piss poor. Too bad, just because of a clicky eraser, this honors physics college professor lost everything he had. The only defense he had during trial was “that stupid clicky eraser!”

Literacy Rates

Literacy Rate is important. No one wants a stupid country. That’s just not good. Who wants to be allies with a country during a war that can’t read any of the things you send them saying, “hold your fire! we’re not going to war!” and instead, they bomb the whole damn country that you would have gone to war with. Please learn to read and write. (but if you can’t read, why are you here?)

Telemarketers

Stupid people that call you with stupid things to sell. That’s the definition of a telemarketer. They waste your precious time on earth, with a stupid phone call that 99.9% of the people They call don’t buy the thing They’re selling. It makes me sick to just even think about being one of Them. They just call people all day, with a bunch of big fat phonebooks skimming down each name, not caring if they already called them, and the things that other people might do to you if they found out who you were. That’s why there shouldn’t be any telemarketers in the world. It would be a lot more peaceful place without them.

Pollution

Pollution sucks. All these cars in the world. All these stupid smokers that smoke cigarrettes, cigars, marijuana, whatever. Those stupid arsonists. Those stupid fires. Stupid gas companies All those pollute the world. Littering doesn’t help at all either. One day this world will blow up because of all the pollution the worlds been polluted with. It wouldn’t matter if a nuclear bomb was launched and blew up the world, or a meteor came and blew it up, or some aliens came to blow the world up. It would only be an amount of time before some idiot strikes a match and all the pollution in the air implodes the earth. That’s why we should stop pollution now, and save what little things that we are going to inherit in the future, so that WE can pollute it, at least….we can’t let the grown ups have all the fun, right?

Brazil: Version 1 of the President of Brazil’s Inaugural Speech

Made in conjunction with davepoobond.

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Hello, we’re government leaders, we like pie. Of course, for a better Brazil, of course. We love the Amazon. We love to cut it down!! =) I have a VCR. I’m glad, because I’m recording this right now. Then I can rewind it and play it over and over! Spank me! I like beer. I drank 3 cases before I came today. I’m not drunk! Despite what you may think, of course, of course. In conclusion, we pee on donkey’s backs. Thank you, good night.

USA: The Presidential Debates 2004

This entry is part 1 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

Don’t know who to vote for this election? Well, luckily for you, there’s the Presidential debates, broadcasted to the millions of people in the United States and all around the world. These vital presidential debates have affected the outcome of the choice America has made since the JFK era. During these debates, the main presidential candidates and their vice presidential counterparts duke it out in front of America, with fancy words, beating questions around the bush by avoiding them and answering them indirectly, and many more things. Didn’t have a chance to watch the debates because you were at work? Well, Squackle’s one and only davepoobond is here to tell you who to vote for, why you should vote for them, and whether he gives a good reason or not is of no concern to you.

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This year, we take a look at the three Presidential Debates of 2004 between John Kerry and George W. Bush, as well as the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. The descriptions of each will be a basic synopsis, and will not go into great detail, as we see most of that as really really unneeded, and if you wanted to know more about it, I’m sure you’d want to go to an actual news site (and watch the freaking debates yourself, and form your own opinion) than taking what you read on a humor web site called Squackle as 100% truth. Anyhow, on to the debates!

There has been a lot of tension between the Bush and Kerry camps, after demeaning commercial after another funded by private organizations are constantly shown on TV, as well as accusations in their speeches to insignificant groups of 50-100 people. Bush accused Kerry of being a “flip flop” one million times in each of his speeches, while Kerry said that Bush misled our country into war. Bush is also rumored to have not served during schedules times while he was in the National Guard, while Bush says he was there the whole time. He’s the son of an oil tycoon, and rich as a mother fucker, so are you really gonna believe that he risked his life in the National Guard? I doubt it.

Some may call these debates the “War of the Ages” almost becoming a movie, or the beginning of a Mortal Kombat fight during the “vs.” scene.

1st Debate: Formal setting, standing behind podiums.

Not until the first debate did I even see these two together without having three states separating them. It was almost laughable to see them shaking hands after they both had strucken at each other’s credibility and track record. So, the first debates focused mainly on the war on terror, mainly focusing on Iraq and how they never had any “WMDs” to be found after we took Saddam from power, in a more formal debate forum, with both candidates having a podium. Whoopidoo, we got rid of Saddam, now we can take the oil there to save money at home, except OPEC increases prices so we’re not actually saving any money. Throughout the course of the 1st presidential debate there was at least a thousand times that “weapons of mass destruction,” “Iraq,” and “terror” had been said cumulatively. It made me want to stab myself in the ears, because you hear those words over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Bush just tells lies and lies and lies more and more, and Kerry tries to tell you what Bush is doing is fucking wrong, and how we went into Iraq was wrong wrong wrong. Bush says it was right right right and through a course of appearing very pissed off through the whole time, like Kerry would even have the nerve to bring up things that were happening not as great as the President was making it to be.

Basically, Kerry 1, Bush 0. Bush seemed like he was not prepared for the onslaught brought on by Kerry. Kerry practically raped him, and from the appearance of the poll results done by news agencies after the 1st debate, Kerry’s approval rating went up. Bush just proved to the world even more how he was an ignorant fool, and Kerry at least made concious and knowledgable debate points against Bush, with practically no answer except scoffing and that stupid smrik he always has. He was talking to Kerry like he was talking about a terrorist. People had also noticed that Kerry didn’t talk into the camera like Bush did, and saw it as a sign that Kerry did not want to speak to the American people at home, while Bush did talk into the camera.

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Intermission: Vice Presidential Debates

Well, we heard the president’s views on things, what about their VP candidates? John Edwards, former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hopeful, has now partnered up with John Kerry in hopes to defeat Bush and Cheney. Cheney, with his usual “I’m so rich and I’m too good for everyone except for the Arab royalty and Halliburton” look, debated to keep his high-paying, high-power job in the United States government, while John Edwards hoped to relieve Cheney of his duties.

The stage has been set, and through the course of an hour or so, it came out to be that Cheney and Edwards had a very good debate, and no one person could be declared coming out ahead of each other.

But one thing could be determined from the course of the night:

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2nd Debate: Town Hall Setting. No podiums, candidates sat on stools, as they heard questions being told to them by audience members, about domestic issues.

So, after Kerry had shamefully ripped Bush a new one after the first debate, Bush started to take these debates a little more seriously. Even though Bush may not have been nearly as bad this time, he was still using a lot of “umms” and pauses, in genuine Bush-style. Bush came back with a lot of anger, while trying to keep himself contained. However, the most notable part of this debate is when Bush interrupted Charles Gibson from ABC News and un-rightfully rebutted a statement by Kerry, after Gibson had told the president that he was not allowed to. This sudden outburst of rage had broken the rules of the debates that had been set forth, and while Bush was talking OUT OF TURN, I was waiting for that buzzer than never came. Bush should NOT have been given that opportunity to speak, as it broke the rules of the debates. Kerry, on the other hand, did not make the mistake of rebutting a statement by Bush out of turn, even though it came close to it. It seemed that Kerry had more control over himself when it came to that, but it came very close.

The questions that were presented were all about the domestic issues and how they would change under Kerry and “improve” even more under Bush. Kerry said that Bush promised you more of the same, while Kerry promised change. Bush repeatedly kept saying that Kerry “flip flopped” over and over. Bush kept telling everyone to look at this voting record. In all honesty, we should look at BUSH’S voting record. Look at the decisions BUSH has made. Sure, Kerry supported Iraq at one time, most of us did, because we ALL thought that Iraq had WMDs, because that was what we were TOLD BY BUSH. Kerry doesn’t have his own CIA, Bush does. Bush knew more about the things happening in Iraq (whether or not they actually had anything) than Kerry did. All that Kerry or WE even believed was what our PRESIDENT, our PRESIDENT told us. I doubt that Kerry is able to send in his own team of CIA operatives to conduct their own investigation in Iraq to find out information.

And if there is, so sue me. It doesn’t contradict the fact that the president lied to us. The results of this debate had helped Kerry out a little bit more, but everyone said they were basically equal.

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3rd Debate: I didn’t watch it cause I was at work, and I’m too lazy to watch it online. I heard they were basically equal though.

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Conclusion: We all know Bush sucks, so why would we want to keep him in office? Outsourcing has grown, people have lost their jobs, the economy is down, people’s lives have been RUINED because of soldiers killed in the War On Terror, and not to mention the U.S. government is in a shitload of debt. Why do we want Bush to stay in office? We know he’s done nothing but horrible things to the United States. To assure that Bush is OUT OF OFFICE, I’m saying to vote for anyone else but Bush. If you want to make absolute sure of this happening, vote for Kerry. If Kerry sucks, then we can just get his ass out of office in the next four years. We know what doesn’t work, why do we want to stay with it?

The comic-strip thingy is by Soup Nazi

Everything else is by davepoobond

USA: The California Recall

10/12/03

The California Recall election is finally God damn over. I thought that whoresnatch Gray Davis would appeal the election in the courts, but he didn’t. If he did, we’d never hear the end of the fucking thing, and his term would be over before anything changed.

I for one, am very glad that Gray Davis is out of office, though I don’t nearly as much support the way it happened. The Recall does seem like a cheap way for the Republicans to gain power in California. When Gray Davis said that the Recall isn’t democratic, it really wasn’t. It was Republican, and that was the main problem.

This is a list of reasons that I support Gray Davis getting his ass kicked out of office:

  • He gave ILLEGAL immigrants the right to have a driver’s liscense. This is INSANE. Its like a fucking game in California. The game is this: if you get past our border patrol, hey guess what, you can get a driver’s liscence, health care, welfare, and all this other good stuff, at everyone else’s expense, and you don’t have to pay a God damn peso. You just have to make it over alive and not in jail. I hope that Schwarzenegger will repeal this as soon as he can.
  • The ridiculous car tax. I don’t particularly care about it, because I’m not buying or paying any bills for cars, but when you raise a tax, you don’t triple it. You may raise it 20% or something, but not fucking 4 million times what it is before. Pretty soon you’re paying more tax than what you’re paying for the God damned car.
  • Not many people liked him to begin with. During the election in which he won against Bill Simon, everyone just voted for the lesser of the two evils. Bill Simon is a jackass and can’t run a colony of ants without fucking things up like killing all the workers. All he is is a business man, and though he may or may not be good at that, he’s not gonna be any good at running a fucking state, let alone California, the strongest state economically in the United States.
  • He repeatedly says that the Recall is not democratic. If its not very democratic then why the hell are people taking their democratic right to vote on the God damned thing in the first place? It doesn’t matter if people were payed or not to sign the petition that was going around to get the Recall started, but it IS democratic when people vote for something, and vote to eject your bitch ass from office, along with your stupid bitch wife.
  • He signed bills at the last minute trying to get more people to vote no on the recall. This stupid suck up bitch tried to suck up to the fucking illegal immigrants, who somehow have the right to vote, evidently.
  • He started playing dirty politics at the end of the Recall. I don’t care what this stupid cunt rag says, he’s the one that put out all the groping bullshit out into the media. Its total bullshit, and its really stupid. All these women that are accusing Arnold of groping them, are HORRIBLY UGLY. Why the FUCK would anyone grope a stupid ugly stuck up bitch, when you’ve got a 7 million times hotter wife at home? It doesn’t make sense.
  • Davis was a pansy bitch puppet for Cruz Bustamante. Do you REALLY think that Davis could come up with all these things that he’s signing and crap? Sure, I’ll agree that he made some decisions and bills that may have been worth something, but Bustamante is really the biggest influence behind Davis. I haven’t even heard of that bald headed fuck until the Recall started. And I hate him too.

Okay, now I’m done complaining about Davis. This is all I can think of right now.

Now onto the actual topic at hand. The California Recall. Never has any election ever seen so many stupid candidates. There’s about 10 actual candidates that anyone would vote for. The other 9 billion are just stupid idiots that think that they can get some sort of TV time and actually get their views heard, which is bull cause they won’t, and they’ll only end up getting votes from them and their friends and family. Such a waste of votes. They probably actually thought that 3 million people would vote for them so that they would actually gain the position of governor. Seriously, does that make sense?

So, after all the bullshit of the Recall, it finally came down to Arnold winning. Arnold’s winning over Bustamante could be illustrated by this comic that stimpyismyname drew:

Bustamante is a jackass. If he was going to get elected governor, he would be a complete moron and absolutely nothing would change. He would also pamper to the illegal immigrants every freaking chance he got, since he seems to have been one at one time or something like that, since he says he’s so much like them and understands everything about them.

So, we’re just going to have to see how Arnold Schwarzenegger will be as a Californian governor.

But, seriously, how much cooler would it have been if we could get Gallagher to be the governor?

USA: The Drug “Education” Theory

Drug education does NOT work. If anything, drug education is HELPING the drug dealers sell their drugs. Sure, students become aware of the drugs and what they do. Yeah, they become aware what there is for them to CHOOSE. Its like a 365 (366 on leap year, can’t forget that) day Halloween, and the more you pay, the better the candy.

 

Drug education probably would help more if they didn’t say the “good” things that addicts feel or if they taught them at an earlier age. But NoOoO they still insist on only teaching us in grades 6-8. And after that, it just stops. What the hell is with that? They probably suppose that we’re not worth to keep teaching about not doing drugs because the local police department can’t spare an extra few people or hire a few new people specifically for the job, or maybe they’d rather just find us on the street with wrapping papers in our pockets, a needle in our arm, and a Ziploc bag full of cocaine and lock us up for a long time, so that the government can gain control of the next generation one by one.

 

You shouldn’t hate drug dealers anymore than people that sell guns, because they’re just supplying the demand for their particular product. They’re only trying to make a living, just like everyone else in the world. They both sell things that ultimately hurt people, the only thing that separates the two is a constitutional amendment. When it all comes down to it, it’s the school’s fault for not teaching us about drugs sooner. But past mistakes will spawn more drugs in demand and more drug dealers, because of the schools. This will NEVER be a drug-free world. Might as well pick up your pipe and smoke some coke.