Tag Archives: Metallica

Cashier Lesson – Counterfeit Bills

This entry is part 1 of 6 in the series Cashier Lessons

This is written as a satirical instructional article.  I wrote this a long time ago, don’t know exactly when.

When checking if a bill is counterfeit, please do the following:

1. Lick it.

If the ink on the paper appears to fade after each successive lick, it is most likely not fake. Ink on real money does not dry, as odd as it may seem.

2. Hold bill up to the light.

This sends a message to everyone around you that someone is paying with a big bill. You will not only put that customer’s life in danger because they are now, by default, given the status of being a high roller, but you will give the incantation that you know what you’re looking for.

It doesn’t matter if you know what you’re looking for either, just pretend like you do.

Protip: most people will not know what you are looking for — this method also prevents people from making jokes (as opposed to using a regular counterfeit pen) because they are (most likely) embarrassed to say something retarded like “its fake, i just printed it out this morning” because you’re including more people in the transaction than just you and the customer.

3. Loud Music at all times.

When possible, have music at a volume that will be hard for a customer to crack a joke about money being fake, because you’ll have to ask them to explain it again, and it’s very disconcerting to explain it over your music. The most effective music for this technique is hardcore or really fast music, such as Bane, Hatebreed, Throwdown, Fear Before the March of Flames, and for the emo touch, Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, or From First to Last.  Heavy metal works as well, and this includes DragonForce or Metallica from the 1980s.

4. Pretend you don’t care – give them the cold shoulder.

This works wonders to avoid stupid counterfeit bill jokes. Just nod your head slightly to convey the message you understand their joke, as if you haven’t heard it a million times before, so they don’t try and explain it to you again. Under any circumstance, DO NOT LAUGH. It ISN’T funny. You’re bound to have heard every joke in the book at this point in your career as a cashier.

Enter Peaman

Parody of “Enter Sandman,” by Metallica

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Say your prayers little one

Don’t forget my son

You got to eat every one

 

I scoop you in

Warm within

Keep you free from him

Till the Peaman, he comes

 

Eat with your mouth open

Guarding your pile of peas

 

Step on them

Squish them all

Take a spoon

And stick it in your donkey’s mouth

 

Somethings wrong

Close your mouth

Heavy peas tonight

And they aren’t green beans

 

Dreams of peas

Dreams of poos

Dreams of rusty spoons

And the things that will eat

 

Eat with your mouth open

Guarding your pile of peas

 

Step on them

Squish them all

Take a spoon

And stick it in your donkey’s mouth

 

Now i sit me down to eat

Pray that bum my spoon to keep

And if I eat before I die

Pray that bum my peas to fry

 

Hush little baby

Don’t eat that pea

And never mind that pea you dropped

It likes to grow under your feet

And gives you peas for you to eat

 

Eat with your mouth open

Guarding your pile of peas

 

Step on them

Squish them all

Take a spoon

And stick it in your donkey’s mouth!