Your momma’s so fat that when she jumped into the ocean the whales started singing “We are Family.”
Tag Archives: family
Joke #21459
Q: What happened the last time a black person looked up his family tree?
A: A monkey shit in his face.
Joke #21450
Q: What’s the difference between a black person and a park bench?
A: A park bench can support a family.
Thank You Note Samples For You To Use
Nothing says thank you like a piece of paper with words written on it. In fact, they call it a “Thank You” note. But why do you have to reinvent the wheel when you can just copy what I’ve wrote in the past and modify it towards your specific situation? These samples are only really useful for someone who has graduated from high school but has yet to go to college. Nifty, ain’t it?
I think I did a damn fine job with these Thank You notes, so here they are!
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SAMPLE 1 (For a college graduate):
Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),
Thank you very much for the very generous (INSERT ITEM HERE, OR SAY “GIFT” OR “PRESENT”), as I know this will most certainly help me in my college years, and also help prepare me for my future life after college.
I want to express how much it means to me that you’ve always been there for me throughout my life. If you had not been able to take me to my medical, dental, and other appointments when I had no other way to get there, it would have been too hard to get to those appointments. I also want to thank you severely for all the times you came over to our house and made food for us.
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SAMPLE 2 (For moving away to college):
Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),
I want to thank you for the (INSERT ITEM HERE, OR SAY “GIFT” OR “PRESENT”) you gave me. It was very generous of you to do so, and I will definitely make use of it when I go to college. It will help make college easier for me, because I will have the ability to buy things for my room, making my day-to-day life easier.
I’ve always thought of you as family, and appreciate your compassion and support through the years.
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SAMPLE 3 (For a High School Graduate):
Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),
Thank you very much for being able to attend my high school graduation. It means a lot to me that you were able to take off work and drive all the way over to (INSERT YOUR CITY) to see it. It was very meaningful to me that you both have supported me as much as you could through the years, and helped me out as much as you can, even though you live far away.
I appreciate the very generous graduation present you gave me. I will always remember your generosity and support.
Vacation
A vacation is when you take a trip to some sexy place with your stupid family. Usually you go to some place that is near a car or up on a head. A good vacation is one where you can ride apes, or play sex, or go hunting for boobs. I like to spend my time gargling or fucking. When parents go on vacation, they spend their time eating three pizzas a day, and fathers play golf and mothers sit around sexing. Last summer my little brother fell in a pussy and got poison Venus fly trap all over his dick. My family is going to a strip club, and I will practice partying. Parents need vacations more than kids because parents are always very sexy and because they have to work 69 hours every day all year making enough dicks to pay for the vacation.
Joke #18698
While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.
I said, “No, I also work… but out of our home.”
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
“He was born at home,” I answered.
The man looked at me and said, “You don’t get out much, do you?”
Joke #18535
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
Joke #18418
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family’s lack of holiday rituals.
“My family doesn’t have any traditions,” she complained. “We just do the same thing year after year after year.”
Joke #18086
Q: How do you tell the difference between a Xerox machine and the flu?
A: One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families.
Quote #16996
“Some people do not drink the families of alcoholics”
– davepoobond
Quote #15968
“You’re gonna be a family man”
– Mrs. DYKE
Joke #13198
DOCTOR: “Your blood pressure is sky high, Mr. Smith.”
PATIENT: “That figures. I get it from my family.”
DOCTOR: “Your mother’s side or your father’s side.”
PATIENT: “Neither. It’s my wife’s side that gives me my high blood pressure.”
DOCTOR: “Why, that’s impossible!”
PATIENT: “You wouldn’t say that if you knew how obnoxious my in-laws are.”
Joke #13188
To a father, a new baby is an addition to his family and a deduction on his income tax.
Joke #13036
Last summer I took my family to Sequoia National Park to see giant redwood trees. Seeing them didn’t excite my family, but they gave our dog a heart attack.
Joke #12897
SNOB #1: “My ancestors came over on the Mayflower.”
SNOB #2: “Tut! Tut! My ancestors owned the Mayflower.”