Tag Archives: bible

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

My Decision to Receive Christ As My Saviour

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Note: This was in the back of a bible.

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Confessing to God that I am a sinner, and believing that the Lord Jesus Christ died for my sins on the cross and was raised for my justification, I do now receive and confess Him as my personal saviour.

Name: Dave “Satan” Poobond
Date: 6/6/6

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This is such a crock of shit, because it was Jesus’ fault, not mine for dying at the cross.  He was the one going around praising religion and crap that got him into deep shit and nailed to fucking planks.  Don’t make ME take the blame for it, you bastard prophets that wrote the Bible!

Learn how to spell savior, at least!

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18665

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A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes!

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heaven-ward and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!”

“Not really….” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”

Lists

If College Students Wrote the Bible

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If College Students Wrote the Bible…

– The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.

– The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

– A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

– Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

– Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

– Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

– Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

– Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18546

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He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, “You’re a Reverend huh?” The young Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, “Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over.”

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, “Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch.”

Other Junk

The D-Fiance Bible

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In case you don’t know what this is, D-Fiance just “simplified” the bible. Not sure which testament it is, and if you care, you’d know if it was or not already, probably.

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1:1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.

1:1T This is a long ass book from a long ass time ago about some dead guy and the son of 2 other dead guys.

1:2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judah and his brethren;

1:2T Ok, one of the two old guys did something to Isaac Thomas, then Mr. Thomas did it to Jacoby, then Jacoby did it to Judass and Judass’s homeys! and that’s how STDs got started!

1:3 and Judah begat Perez and Zerah of Tamar; and Perez begat Hezron; and Hezron begat Ram;

1:3T and this is how we got crabs.

1:4 and Ram begat Amminadab; and Amminadab begat Nahshon; and Nahshon begat Salmon;

1:4T and how we got herpes

1:5 and Salmon begat Boaz of Rahab; and Boaz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;

1:5T and genital warts

1:6 and Jesse begat David the king.

1:6T AIDS…. These were a horny bunch…. Need I say more?

1:7 – 1:16 And David begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Uriah; and Solomon begat Rehoboam; and Rehoboam begat Abijah; and Abijah begat Asa; and Asa begat Jehoshaphat; and Jehoshaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Uzziah; and Uzziah begat Jotham; and Jotham begat Ahaz; and Ahaz begat Hezekiah; and Hezekiah begat Manasseh; and Manasseh begat Amon; and Amon begat Josiah; and Josiah begat Jechoniah and his brethren, at the time of the carrying away to Babylon. And after the carrying away to Babylon, Jechoniah begat Shealtiel; and Shealtiel begat Zerubbabel; and Zerubbabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor; and Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud; and Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

1:7 – 1:16T Long story made short, these were a bunch of HORNY ASS bastards who wasted more baby oil on more orgies than ANYONE in the history of puberty!!

1:17 So all the generations from Abraham unto David are fourteen generations; and from David unto the carrying away to Babylon fourteen generations; and from the carrying away to Babylon unto the Christ fourteen generations.

1:17T So all the long ass times from the old guy to the other old guy, was 14 long ass times. and from old guy number 2, the carrying away of a babbling on of 14 long ass times got pretty damn annoying after about the 6th long ass time.

1:18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found with child of the Holy Spirit.

1:18T Now the birth of Jesus was not wise, When his mother broke a condom with Joseph, before they “came” together she found a spirit with many holes.

1:19 And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily.

1:19T And Joey Batafuco, a righteous dude, and not willing to graffiti her name in the public, was stupid and threw here away.

1:20 But when he thought on these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit.

1:20T BUT! when the stupid bastard actually thought about it, BEHOLD!, an angel from Anaheim (Left center outfield if I am correct) appeared out of nowhere and scared the SHIT outta him ranting on about his dad and how hes whipped and should stop gearing his wife: who still has that damn spirit with holes in it.

1:21 And she shall bring forth a son; and thou shalt call his name JESUS; for it is he that shall save his people from their sins.

1:21T and now did the dirty withOUT a condom and name it Jesus (“heyzoos”), Now he shall save his people from all the sexual harassment suits.

1:22 Now all this is come to pass, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying,

1:22T Now its all gone, that he might actually come through for once, the drug lord said….(drum roll)

1:23 Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel; which is, being interpreted, God with us,

1:23T BEHOLD!. The virgin is gonna get porked, and shall have a fourth son, and his name will be Immanuel…. Immanuel Masterbation. God is here in the maternity ward TOO

1:24 And Joseph arose from his sleep, and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took unto him his wife;

1:24T He woke up, and was pushed around by communism, and did the nasty with his wife.

1:25 and knew her not till she had brought forth a son: and he called his name JESUS.

1:25T and they use and too much (They need to learn about run-on sentences, SHEESH) she wasn’t famous till Elvis was born, but everyone else called him Jesus (Heyzoos)