I told my husband I’d like to see Europe. So he went to a travel agency and brought me a map and a brochure.
Joke #12166
My dog is really something. Yesterday he chased a small foreign car. The trouble is that he brought it back.
Joke #12165
A boss was showing a new man his job. He said, “all you do when you come in at 9 o’clock is press this button to start the machine. At 5 o’clock, you press this button to stop the machine.”
The new man shook his head and asked, “Do you have anything that isn’t so technical?”
Joke #12164
CUSTOMER: “Waiter, what is this fly doing in my ice cream?”
WAITER: “Maybe he likes winter sports.”
Joke #12163
What a life! What a life! Sometimes I feel like a statue beneath a flock of pigeons.
Joke #12162
At the complaint window of a large department store, the clerk asked, “And what is wrong with the washing machine?”
The man answered, “Every time I get in it, it goes too fast for my bath.”
Joke #12161
Did you hear about the Siamese twins who asked their waiter for separate checks?
Joke #12160
My eyesight is so bad, last week while hiking in the woods I picked up a snake to kill a stick.
Joke #12159
GAS ATTENDANT: “That’s a neat car you have, mister. How many miles do you get to a gallon?”
CUSTOMER: “I only get about three miles to a gallon. My teen-aged son gets the other twenty.”
Joke #12158
“Seaman Smith,” said the captain, “we’ve been at sea for six months and now we’re in home port. Everyone has left the ship, but you. What’s wrong? Are you the only crewman who doesn’t have a wife in port?”
“It’s the other way around, Captain,” said the seaman. “I’m the only crewman who’s got a wife in port.”
Joke #12157
BILL: “Do you know what an incompleted pass is?”
WILL: “Yeah, it’s when you ask a girl out and she says no.”
Joke #12156
The main difference between professional and semi-pro football is the pregame training meals. Pro players get sirloin. Semi-pro players get hamburger.
Joke #12155
The Green Bay Packers just drafted a defensive end so big that he uses Volkswagens for roller skates.
Joke #12154
Did you hear about the dumb football captain who didn’t believe he lost the coin toss and demanded to see it again on instant replay?
Joke #12153
You can always tell a crumby football team. The band members are in better shape than the players.