Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff’s men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river… but Tuck climbed out without missing a note.
The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.
“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore know and adored by all.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
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Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
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Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
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Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”
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Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute.
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Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
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Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
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Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me.
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Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma…
No doubt about it, the new temp didn’t have a clue about computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to our technical support department, I gave her simple instructions: “When people call with computer problems, always ask which operating system they’re using — Windows, Macintosh or UNIX.”
Later, she handed a technician this phone message…”Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs.”
– Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
– Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
– Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
– The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
– It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
– It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
– The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
– Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
– It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
– It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center’s high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
“Well,” said the director, eyes twinkling, “today we are studying the children’s favorite philosopher: Play-Doh.”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.
“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.”
“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.
“Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”
Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions” that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”
She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”
Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”
Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”
Somewhat skeptical of his son’s new-found determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”
“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.
“Please, Dad?”
“They’re not cheap either.”
“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”
15. To Kill A Walking Bird
14. My Best Friend’s Dressing
13. Thighs Wide Shut
12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11. Casserolablanca
10. The Fabulous Baster Boys
9. 12 Hungry Men
8. Silence of the Yams
7. For Love of The Game Hen
6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5. All the President’s Menu
4. White Meat Can’t Jump
3. When Harry Met Salad
2. The Story of U.S.
1. The Wing and I
10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.
9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.
8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.
7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.
6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”
5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”
4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.
3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”
2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.
1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk side-ways and we walk straight.”
“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..
“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Scissors?”
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn’t mind taking a picture of me.
“Oh, sorry,” the man answered, “but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge.”
You have only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.
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1. Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.
2. Don’t look at the results before you have drawn the pig.
3. DON’T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING THE PIG!
Okay, are you ready? Oink, let’s start. Scroll to the bottom for the results after you drew a pig.
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Pig Test Results
If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient and suspicious.
If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded, sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot of risks.
If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.
If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold on to your plans.
If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.
The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen to other people — the bigger the better…
And finally the pig’s tail should tell you something about your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the… what, forgot the tail? No, it’s absolutely impossible to do the test again.
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes.
He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers). He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering.
Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.
Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.