dink – n. slang term for penis
depuscelate
depuscelate – adv. to lose one’s virginity
deosculate
deosculate – v. to kiss another person affectionately
deep tongue
deep tongue – v. slang term for french kissing
;} oral-vaginal sex where the tongue is inserted deep inside the vagina
deep throat
deep throat – v. to insert the penis down one’s throat during oral sex
DDF
DDF – Acronym. acronym for “Disease/Drug Free” which is used in personal ads
DATY
DATY – Acronym. acronym for “Dining at the Y,” which is slang for performing oral sex on a woman
Quote #21982
Interests:
“Fucking”
– on a girl’s dating profile.
Bizarro Facebook #21979: The Adventures of Jelli
So, on Saturday, November 5, 2011, I get an add request from some random girl named Jelli. I don’t know who she is, never seen her before. Mind you, the picture I see is of a “white” girl… not a hint of Filipino that I can see…and yet…
The following conversation takes place:
davepoobond: do i know you?
Jelli: nope im just tryin to add you
Jelli: its up to you if you want to accept,im not forcing you..
davepoobond: well its fine, i just dont know if i know you is all 😛
Jelli: ok thanks
davepoobond: so what made you want to be my friend
Jelli: i want you to be my friend
–
(I’m thinking: OKAY, WTF??)
–
davepoobond: oh ok
Jelli: where you from?and how old are you?
davepoobond: I’m from la county originally. I live in orange county now… how about you
Jelli: im from los angeles,but now im here in philippines
davepoobond: Oh ok
Jelli: ok
davepoobond: What made you move out there
Jelli: visiting my aunt
Jelli: i want you to know im half filipino
Jelli: you there?
davepoobond: Oh that’s cool
–
8 hours later…
–
davepoobond: why do you want me to know that you’re half filipino
–
So, this girl sounds like she’s got a few screws loose. And I check out her Facebook status updates and the comments she’s got…
–
On June 28
Jelli: hope she gets better i love you auntie…
Keith: What’s wrong with her?
Jelli: she have a sick,and she want to survive…
–
On July 14:
Jelli: aunt dont worry god always there for you and give you more life,hope you get well i love you so much…
–
On Sept 3:
Jelli: Creepy Guy Daniel (censored his name)
Creepy Guy Daniel: I’m unfamiliar with this kind of post. Am I supposed to do what?
–
On Sept 3:
Creepy Guy Daniel: Are you a Sagittarius also? I was born on the 30th November
Jelli: Nope i’m scorpio.
Creepy Guy Daniel: Oooh, that’s even better! Is it true that you are ruled by your high sexual drive?
Jelli: i dont know.
Jelli: you want to try?haha peace.
Creepy Guy Daniel: I would love to! And I would try very hard indeed! Just give me the go ahead Jelli!
Jelli: if you want to try at me,you travel here in philippines or you want buy me a chippes ticket to go back there in L.A.
Creepy Guy Daniel: Until just now, being kinda poor never seemed to bother me. All of a sudden though, I gotta say that money COULD buy some measure of happiness in this situation! LOL If I had the bucks, I would ahve you here in flash Jelli !
Jelli: ?
Jelli: Ok i understand its ok.
Roger: i`d walk there xxx
Jelli: Ok i understand its ok.
Creepy Guy Daniel: On water right? We can only hope!!
Jelli: hope u want to meet each other.
Jelli: hope u want to meet each other.
Creepy Guy Daniel: Want to join us?
Jelli: What you mean?
Creepy Guy Daniel: You said you hoped we would want to meet each other. I am assuming your interest is joining us when we do!
Jelli: Yea i want to meet but how im here in philippines.
–
On Sept 5:
Jelli: hELLo thErE…
Roger: hi doll i hope you are fine pity we cannot find us never for chatting i d like
–
On Sept 6:
Jelli: Hello there anyone to talk?
Rick: Good Morning how was your holiday weekend
Jelli: Verry sad and lonely.
Rick: Why so sad and lonely
–
On Sept 6:
Roger: Jilli Jill Jill whats cookin good lookin?
Jelli: Thanks
Jelli: Hello
Roger: what up jill
Jelli: Great,you?
Roger: oh just chillin when u coming ouy 2 tampa?
–
On Sept 6
Jelli: what happened i’m wondering.
Matthew: me too
Jelli: Why?
Matthew: cuz what happened lol?
–
On Sept 8
Kareem: lol can you not harass my friends?
–
On Oct 3
Jelli: i feel pain,i think its headache.;-(
Creepy Guy Daniel: I have 600mg Ibuprofen here. I wish I could five you one and make you feel better Jelli.
Adnor: Cuz I’m not with you woman!!we could fix that;)
Jelli: Thanks daniel.
–
Jelli: hELLo there…
Rick: hello how are you
Jelli: h!…i’m good i’m here in philippines almost 2weeks…
Rick: Are you having a good time
Jelli: what are you up to?
Jelli: i’m visiting to my aunt.
Rick: recovering from my operation.
Rick: how is she doing
Rick: are you going to live there or are you coming back
Jelli: hope ur fine,shes still not CTscan cuz financial proble,i’m coming back there by december.
Jelli: ????
Rick: I did not see you on here for a while and was thinking you stopped talking to me or left face book
Jelli: Still there?
Jelli: Still there?
Jelli: Still there?
Rick: I’m still here
Jelli: ????
Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?
Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?
Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?
Rick: I talk to old and new friends. I saw you said hi there and I didn’t know if you were talking to me so i didn’t want to be rude so I said hi back to you. You seem like a nice person to talk to. Is that ok to do
–
On Oct 22:
She updates her relationships status as single.
Louis: CANNT BELIVE UR SINGLE MUST HAVE BEEN A JERK
Jelli: huh,its up to you
–
On Oct 28:
Jelli: Always bussy for looking job,very tired.
–
On Oct 31:
Jelli: Happy holloween to all.
–
I also look at her other information… she apparently goes to UCLA. How dumb can you be and still get into there?
–
Her about info:
I am a cool, laid back, no drama, funny and fun girl who will rock your world! I love 2 try new things and will show some of my favorite! I love to be crazy and adventurous. If you think you can handle it.
Interested In: Men and Women
–
On Monday, she finally responds
–
Jelli: look at my pics.to know…
davepoobond: i cant look at your pictures
Jelli: huh really?
davepoobond: yeah it says that you dont share it with me
Jelli: but you see my profile pic.?
davepoobond: yeah
Jelli: so what you say?
davepoobond: what do i say about what
Jelli: to my pic.?
davepoobond: i dont really know, i cant tell what you really look like
Jelli: tell me the truth what are you looking for?
davepoobond: for what?
Jelli: are you single?
Jelli: i i want you to answer me if you are looking for relationship
davepoobond: yeah im single, sure im looking…
davepoobond: what are you on facebook for?
Jelli: me too im looking for serious relationship
Jelli: you there?
davepoobond: yeah
Jelli: sory to disturbing you
davepoobond: you’re not bugging me
Jelli: ok
davepoobond: so, why are you interested if i’m single or not
Jelli: im just asking
davepoobond: how old are you
Jelli: turning 23 this month
Jelli: you?
davepoobond: 25
Jelli: ok
Jelli: bussy
davepoobond: you are?
Jelli: nope
davepoobond: what time is it now in the phillipines
Jelli: 4:10am
davepoobond: wow how come you’re still up
Jelli: yea i cant sleep
Jelli: you talked other girl?
davepoobond: what other girl?
Jelli: i think your busy to other girl here on facebook
davepoobond: no, i’m not talking to another girl on facebook right now
davepoobond: so, what do you like to do in your spare time
Jelli: ok,honestly im looking for job here,for my financial
davepoobond: looking for job in the phillipines?
Jelli: yea
Jelli: you did not know im here in philippines now?
davepoobond: no, I didn’t
davepoobond: didn’t you say your aunt was sick?
Jelli: yea,thats the reason if i am here now
davepoobond: arent you coming back eventually? why are you trying to find a job
Jelli: cuz i need to fix my documents to imigration to get me back there in los angeles
davepoobond: what’s wrong with them
Jelli: my visa expired,i need to renew it
Jelli: spent my money for my aunt,cuz i really want to recover her
davepoobond: that sucks
Jelli: yea
Jelli: thats the reason if what im looking for job
davepoobond: where were you born?
Jelli: here in philippines i am not citezen there in L.A
davepoobond: didn’t you say you’re half Filipino? what’s your other half
Jelli: my aunt raised me when im 5yrs old my dad took me to los angeles
Jelli: my father white american
Jelli: my mom filipina
Jelli: hello
davepoobond: hi
Jelli: why you do not responds?tell me if you are bussy?
davepoobond: well i dont really know what to say
davepoobond: but
davepoobond: your dad being a citizen makes it so that you’re a citizen
Jelli: yea but i was born here in philippines
davepoobond: that doesnt matter if your dad is a citizen
davepoobond: that grants you citizenship
davepoobond: he needed to say you were his daughter when he took you when you were 5, or even now he can probably do it…
Jelli: yea cuz im a broken family 🙁
davepoobond: what do you mean
Jelli: my father left my mom
davepoobond: when did that happen
Jelli: when im 14yrs old
davepoobond: where is your mom
Jelli: here in philippines
davepoobond: where is your dad
Jelli: there in L.A
davepoobond: can’t he get you citizenship, since he is a citizen and is your father?
Jelli: yea i do not know to my father
davepoobond: didn’t you say he took you when you were 5, and stayed with you until you were 14?
Jelli: yea
davepoobond: how was he able to bring you to america?
Jelli: i do not know to my father,now my problem is to fix my visa to get back there
davepoobond: if your dad married your mom, she would be a citizen too before he had left her.
davepoobond: what kind of a visa is it
Jelli: residence visa
davepoobond: don’t you go to school at UCLA? why dont you get a student visa temporarily
Jelli: im stop schooling
davepoobond: how were you able to stay before you went to the phillipines
Jelli: to my father home
davepoobond: didn’t you say you didnt know your dad? how would you be able to live with him until right before you go to the phillipines?
Jelli: yea until right before i go here in the philippines
davepoobond: but you said you dont know him
Jelli: i did not told you that
davepoobond: you said it before, scroll up…
davepoobond: so anyway
davepoobond: you can talk to him and have him help you
davepoobond: get citizenship
davepoobond: since you’re his daughter
davepoobond: and he is a citizen
Jelli: i think i did not get you before
davepoobond: ok, so do you get me now?
Jelli: yea
Jelli: in los angeles i am at home with my dad
davepoobond: ok, so why cant he help you get back
Jelli: i email my dad earlier said he broke
davepoobond: how did you get enough money to fly to the phillipines
Jelli: my dad loans to travel here
Jelli: me here
davepoobond: cant he take more loan to get you back?
Jelli: he cant
davepoobond: doesnt he have a job? how does he afford rent? wouldnt getting his daughter back into america be important?
Jelli: i understand my dad,he finance with my sister and me,he finance food with my sister
davepoobond: can you make it so that i can see the rest of your pictures
Jelli: what you mean by that?
davepoobond: if i select the photos tab, it says “Jelli only shares some information with everyone. ”
davepoobond: and i cant see your pictures
Jelli: i will private
davepoobond: what?
Jelli: im private to my profile
Jelli: yea you cant see my pics.
davepoobond: but earlier you wanted me to look at your pictures
Jelli: yea i said earlier you see my profile pic.
davepoobond: so what do you want to talk about
Jelli: you what you want to talk?tell me?
davepoobond: what?
Jelli: anything you want
Jelli: can you open topic
davepoobond: what do you like to do in your spare time
Jelli: honestly im wondering if i am alone,when im on room im wondering how i do to get me back there in L.A
davepoobond: other than that
Jelli: i want go to church to pray my aunt and to my visa fix
davepoobond: what is your aunt sick with
Jelli: breast cancer
Jelli: ???
davepoobond: oh that sucks
Jelli: yea
Jelli: but i know god knows plan to my aunt
Jelli: ???
davepoobond: what?
Jelli: bussy?
davepoobond: no
Jelli: ok
davepoobond: so what did you do when you were in america
davepoobond: ???
Jelli: looking job again
davepoobond: did you ever have a job
Jelli: before im a cashier in mini mart
davepoobond: what kind of necklace is that in your picture
Jelli: tiffany silver
davepoobond: what kind of glasses do you have
Jelli: reading glass
davepoobond: what kind of earrings are those
Jelli: silver
Jelli: why you askin?
davepoobond: i dont know, why dont you talk about something
Jelli: i share to you,have a problem?
davepoobond: share what?
Jelli: share my prob.sory
davepoobond: what is your problem
Jelli: you know to my documents
davepoobond: what about them
Jelli: to fix it
Jelli: cuz i do not know how i get money to fix it
davepoobond: you just need to find a job
davepoobond: or do some freelance work for people
Jelli: yea but how?
davepoobond: what are you good at doing
Jelli: i dont know
davepoobond: cant you be a cashier
Jelli: im not
davepoobond: i know you’re not
davepoobond: but why can’t you do that in phillipines
Jelli: no hiring in cashier
Jelli: ???
davepoobond: what?
Jelli: you dont answer me
davepoobond: you didnt have a question?
davepoobond: what kind of soda do you like
Jelli: i dont like soda i like orange juice
davepoobond: why dont you like soda
Jelli: cuz have acid
davepoobond: orange juice is technically more acidic than soda
Jelli: nope
davepoobond: it has citric acid in it
Jelli: yea i know juice have acid,but soda acid and spirits right
davepoobond: well, soda has carbonation
Jelli: but with spirits
davepoobond: spirits?
davepoobond: you mean alcohol?
Jelli: yea got it
davepoobond: i mean your right alchohol
Jelli: soda doesnt have alcohol in it unless you put it in there
Jelli: i like gatorade
davepoobond: oh
davepoobond: so what else can i ask you about?
Jelli: ask me then i answer
Jelli: im sleepy
davepoobond: have you ever had a pregnancy scare
Jelli: never
davepoobond: what is your cup size
Jelli: i dont want this topic
Jelli: im sleepy i need to rest
Jelli: thanks to your time
davepoobond: ok, see ya later
–
I looked up her profile picture on Google Images, and it ended up being a chick on some Spanish site who had nude pictures…. she was really hot, but the point being that it wasn’t the same person, obviously, so whatever “Jelli” actually looks like is unknown.
The Wise Tennis Ball
Tenny the Tennis Ball has been stuck in the same fence for 15 years. Oh, the stories he could tell you about Rochestor Elementary School. Tenny wasn’t always in a fence, though. At one point, he was used as a tool for mass infliction of pain!
But, ever since he was thrown into the very top rung of the fence, Tenny observed the school and all of the events that transpired below.
Unbeknownst to anyone, Tenny is a romantic. He longed for the days when he was trapped between two other tennis balls to whom he could have constant contact with in the metal tube he came from. He is into the multi-racial thing, too, as one was green and the other was orange.
It isn’t easy being stuck in a fence at a lowly school in Missouri. No one ever says, “Hi,” to him and when the seasons change, he weathers the weather without so much as a glimpse from a 5th grader.
There Tenny stayed stuck in a fence, never minded upon, simply unnoticed, always observing.
That is, until an electrical storm forced an alien spaceship into the atmosphere! They were planning an attack on a K-Mart building that had gained sentience and was threatening to collect on the layaways the aliens had at the store. The Layawaliens’ plans were foiled when the K-Mart Building #1335 created an electrical storm to foil them.
The immense radiation blast that came from the Layawaliens’ ship was focused solely at Tenny the Tennis Ball. His simple existence of being stuck in a fence had instantly become something more… and as the Layawaliens tried to restabalize and exit the atmosphere, a second large burst of radiation hit Tenny and he sprouted legs, and arms, and a brain, and a head, and a kidney… two even! He had become what he only knew… and elementary school kid. A 5th grader, to be exact.
But he was still stuck in a fence, body organs hanging out every which way because there was no room for him to grow “naturally.” There he groaned and lamented in pain as his tennis-ball-fur-covered organs hung and bounced around as he tried to free himself to no avail.
How he longed even more for the days of being a normal tennis ball! This being a half-human-half-tennis-ball thing got old after about ten minutes of having two swinging kidneys.
There he stayed over the weekend until the children went out to recess. It’s sort of hard to not notice this weird human hybrid monster thing hanging at the top of the fence. Some children started to throw rocks and insults at Tenny for no reason. He hated being “human” and hated humans, too!
Just then, the K-Mart Building #1335 developed space flight capability and empathically felt Tenny’s pain. If K-Mart Building #1335 wanted a life-hating space captain, Tenny was it.
As the K-Mart building lifted off it made a tractor beam shoot out and rip off the piece of the fence that Tenny was stuck in and levitated it into its roll-up doors and exited the atmosphere. Tenny the Tennis Ball was given a chair that fit the contours of his new body perfectly. Even though he was still stuck in afence, he was able to integrate his thoughts with the space-bound building.
First order of business, was a volley of phasers and rockets and contact solution as well as several types of canned goods at Rochester Elementary. There were tons of screaming children as they were splashed with exploding cases of contact solution and pelted with canned cucumbers and peaches. The phasers targeted the handball and four-square courts to the children would never get to play at recess again. This would lead to diabetes in 3/4 of the children and they wouldn’t be able to eat any fun food for the rest of their lives.
The K-Mart building communicated to Tenny that it was going to follow the damaged Layawalien ship back to its home planet and collect on its layaways in full, even if that means taking over their planet.
The Layawaliens ship finally made its way back to its home planet of Layaway Planet, where everything on the planet took a decade to pay for, so it was all old-looking shit. The defensive capabilities of the planet were no match for K-Mart Building #1335, and soon it landed on the planet, creating a fortress around itself and infecting the population with a derivative of salmonella from its sliced Turkey products that the Layawaliens foolishly took it out on layaway from the store.
Three weeks after the fortress had been completed and 90% of the Layawalien population had food poisoning and stomachaches, Tenny declared Layaway Planet the property of K-Mart Building #1335. The Layawaliens were forced to sign a treaty agreeing to this fact, so that they would be able to get antacids and cures for the salmonella poisoning that threatened their race.
Tenny thought back to his simpler days of being stuck in a fence as a normal tennis ball. Look how far he had come, in such a short time.
Moral: When your life is changed drastically, think of the consequences it has on others as well.
cuclefso
cuclefso – n. a USC sticker-burning party
Quote #21967
::KrisT tries to tie a tie using a YouTube video to no avail…::
YouTube Video: “I hope this video was helpful…”
KrisT: “FUCK YOU!”
Quote #21966
::Adriana kisses little 12 year old kid::
“What a handsome date Maria has…! Little Harry Potter…”
::Adriana scratches the kids head::
“…But more handsome of course. You’re like hot Harry — YOU’RE HOT HARRY POTTER!”
– Girl named Adriana from a wedding video davepoobond is editing
How I Hate Her
Davepoobond here in the Yum?
It is a sight to see!
For he never likes to be here-um.
For the track-suit lady
Cometh
To telleth
Me-eth
To turn down my music
Well, fucketh her!
birla
birla – n. a set of boobs so huge they practically explode out of the shirt/dress they’re in.