Category Archives: Game Reviews

Game Reviews, Games

Dark Caves (PC) Review

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Developer: Hellbound’s Games

  Dark Caves (PC) (712.3 KiB, 1,862 hits)

Game by Hellbound's Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This is a recreation of Dark Caves, which I assume was once on the Commodore 64, which I don’t even know what is, except that I guess it was a computer? Anyway, besides the point of me not knowing computer history that doesn’t matter in the long run, this is basically a side scrolling puzzle/adventure game kind of thing.

Graphics:

The graphics are moderate. They’re not bad, but they’re not exceedingly good either.

Sound:

There wasn’t any music, but the sound effects were ok.

Gameplay:

Its the basic set of commands, with the arrow keys. Up used your jetpack and down uses bombs. You can also shoot stupid lasers and kill yourself.

Crappiest Part:

The boring-ness of the game. This game is just kind of boring, and there’s nothing that will make you want to really play too much longer. And its really easy to die if you don’t watch yourself and know what you’re doing.

Overall Score:

This isn’t that great of a game, but its a smooth running game with no really annoying things in it except the difficulty. But because its boring and there’s not really much that makes you want to play it, it gets a

6/10

  Dark Caves (PC) (712.3 KiB, 1,862 hits)

Game by Hellbound's Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Cyclop Force (PC) Review

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Developer: Urisoft

  Cyclop Force (PC) (1.5 MiB, 2,087 hits)

Game by Urisoft, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

wow…where to start? i dont know what to say. In this game, you’re a cyclops….and….you shoot…..a gun….that’s about it. There’s only 2 modes, a Vs. mode (against someone on the same computer, using the same keyboard) and “training” in which you shoot a target, that half the time is hard to get to in the time allowed or is somewhere you cant get to.

Graphics:

The graphics are not that great at all. I liked the idea about all the different types of characters and maps. Though, you can’t really even tell that the characters ARE cyclopses, because you only see them from a side view. They just look like eggs…

Sound:

The music is the best thing about this game. This game actually has the best music in a Game Maker game i have ever played.

Gameplay:

Ok, the gameplay sucks so much. The controls are HORRIBLE and it took me at least 10 or 15 minutes just to get the hang of it. It could’ve been done a lot better. The aiming system is also really bad, because its hard to control your aiming WHILE you are trying to move and jump around. The training mode is bad, too. The actual good things about this game, is that it has a nice split screen for the Vs. Mode, a lot of different characters to choose from (with different “special” abilities each), and again, the music. Jumping is very hard to do in this game, because you cant land on the place that you’re supposed to jump onto, but have to kind of get onto the side and then jump again to get on the ledge.

Crappiest Part:

How there’s no musical jukebox thing that you can just listen to the music. But, the real crappiest part is the whole game.

Overall Score:

This is really one of the worst games i’ve ever had the nightmare of playing, with only the music to really say “hey that was good” about, I give it a:

3/10

  Cyclop Force (PC) (1.5 MiB, 2,087 hits)

Game by Urisoft, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Contra: Legacy of War (PS) Review

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Developer: Konami | Overall: 1/10

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You may like Contra, but this is one Contra you have to hate. This is an impossible game to beat without cheats. There are 2 CG movies that have nothing to do with the game, and it has the cheesiest graphics you’ve seen in a while. In Contra: Legacy of War, Frankenstein is the master of the universe, and he talks for at least 5 minutes, and you don’t even know what he says, cause he mumbles like a silly bitch. He also thinks your greatest nightmare is all the bosses you beat in the game. You get to beat all of them again in the same match, somewhere near the end. So that means, you get to beat each boss 3 times.

You can’t even fight Frankenstein! On the last boss, his face is waving around the screen, so you can barely see what’s happening. Did I mention there is an alien named Bubba in it that you can be? When you beat the last boss, which you already beat before, his face goes away and you beat the game.

There’s also one stage that is a planet, and you can walk around the whole planet in less than 10 seconds. When you beat the game, the planet blows up, and on one piece of the planet, there is a paper-cut-out of the guys you can pick on the players select screen.

There is also 2 mini-games that is the worst 2 “arcade” games ever. One of them got blown up by stimpyismyname, so I don’t know how crappy that one is. The other one, is the crappiest version of a mix of Space Invaders/Asteroids/Milipede/Centipede game you’ll ever find!

You go around in a circle on the edge of the screen, and if there is 2 players, you stop when you hit the other guy, going around in the circle. Then you have to go around in a circle with them. It was possibly their mode of space travel, but we doubt it.

In conclusion, this game sucks the dicks of everyone that made this game. And when we say everyone, it is actualy about 10 people. We counted them from the credits. They’re probably mostly women too. Which is why it came out so pussy. Good job, Konami, I salute you for a job well done on making one of the worst games ever and crushing the name “Contra” forever. I hope you’re happy, cause I’m not!

 

From a review of Contra: Legacy of War: “You also get some cheesy 3d glasses with the game. Turn on 3d mode in the game, but on the blue and red glasses, and get ready for a headache. There is some slight depth perception at the expense of all the color, and a flickering screen. Its just a worthless gimmick. There was no point in including it, except for fancy packaging… I mean, who couldn’t pass up 3d glasses!?”

cooooool… in contra legacy of war you get 3d glasses… that must have been why it wasn’t so good…

Games, Game Reviews

Collapse Deluxe (PC) Review

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Developer: Microsoft

  Collapse Deluxe (PC) (1.3 MiB, 2,091 hits)

Game by Microsoft.

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Overview:

Collapse Deluxe is the deluxe version of Collapse, and as you may or may not know, Collapse is a game that looks kind of like Tetris, but isn’t. In this game, you point and click, over and over and over. You have to click the different colored boxes if there is 3 or more connected. Not diagonally though, that would be too easy.

Graphics:

There are some purdy boxes there.

Sound:

They are good sounds for a game that you click boxes.

Gameplay:

Its easy gameplay, you point and click and hope you don’t get the boxes all the way up to the top without being able to click anything. The boxes appear out of the bottom, and as you go on through the levels it goes faster…so you have to go faster. Don’t be frightened about the bomb though, it won’t hurt you, it’ll actually help you, cause it blows the shit out of everything around it. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Crappiest Part:

The replay value. I don’t really like playing this game at all too much. All you do is click fucking boxes, and they disappear! What is fun about this? Oh wow they make a sparkle when they disappear or there’s a bomb that blows the shit boxes up. Big whoop. I saw Collapse Deluxe II when I was getting the download link for this game, so maybe there’s a little hope for a better game.

Overall Score:

Since this is a professional game, and not a game made by an amatuer, its on a different scale of what I would rate it. But the score is on the same scale. 2/10.

  Collapse Deluxe (PC) (1.3 MiB, 2,091 hits)

Game by Microsoft.

Game Reviews, Games

Clintario Part One: The Creations of Doctor Gobbo (PC) Review

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Developer: Gizmo Games

  Clintario (PC) (2.1 MiB, 1,934 hits)

Game by Gizmo Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This is a side scroller…like Mario…same sounds and everything…the annoying coin sound…the stupid enemies…the annoying coin sound…and even less of a story than Mario. There IS no story…well its about the same now that I think about it.

Graphics:

Average. The background was kind of interesting…and the enemies are really simple drawings.

Sound:

I like the music a lot actually…but the annoying coin sound balances the sound out to a 0, meaning its not good and its not bad.

Gameplay:

Simple enough. You’d think that the up arrow would be jump, but its actually the space bar. that’s the only annoying thing. Also the fact that you have to jump realllllllly long lenghts is kind of annoying, because if you’re way into the room, it starts you over.

Crappiest Part:

Umm…I don’t like this game too much…I have no idea why I’m playing it, because there’s no story.

Overall Score:

This isn’t a good game, if it were more complete I might give it a better score, but it really wouldn’t have gotten much more. The ANNOYING as hell coin sound is stupid as hell….GO TO HELL! I give it a:

6/10

  Clintario (PC) (2.1 MiB, 1,934 hits)

Game by Gizmo Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Cliff Gunner (PC) Review

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Developer: Blackrat Studios

  Cliff Gunner (PC) (1.5 MiB, 1,894 hits)

Game by Blackrat Studios, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

Cliff Gunner is basically an updated version of Space Invaders, with better drawings, and not much anything more different.

Graphics:

The graphics are nice. I like the buildings. The ships and UFO things are kinda weird looking though. But hey, who am I to say that an alien ship looks weird? It may even be the gay ships that have come to attack Earth so they can rule it and suck off all the other alien cock they wanted without persecution.

Sound:

Its ok. The air siren is sort of annoying after the first 2 seconds.

Gameplay:

Simple enough. You point and click the ships and missiles that are coming down at the city, and try not to have anything blow up the city.

Crappiest Part:

Well, the crappiest part would be how its not really that exciting to just blow up missiles and stuff. Its more fun to blow up the city yourself. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do the first time around. Then it said I lost. Why can’t there be a game like that, that you go from city to city and blow all their shitty buildings up? WHY!??!

Overall Score:

This is a good game, but there’s not much that is different from Space Invaders. The scenery and all the sprites are easy on the eyes, but I have to give a 7/10, because there is nothing new in this, that I’ve seen.

  Cliff Gunner (PC) (1.5 MiB, 1,894 hits)

Game by Blackrat Studios, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Christmas Crunch (PC) Review

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Developer: CapnChubby

  Christmas Crunch (PC) (664.5 KiB, 2,046 hits)

Game by capnchubby, made with GameMaker.

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Overview:

I couldn’t really read the menus, but you control a bunch of icons like socks and santa heads. They all move when you go left, etc. The goal is to get them into thier individual goals without hitting any diamonds.

Graphics:

menus are kinda cool, though hard to read. I don’t like to take off points for that kinda thing, though. The other stuff is pretty boring.

Sound:

Really starts to piss you off, since it’s the same thing over and over. Well, actually more, but all Christmas songs sound the same.The scream when you die scares the crap outta you. who knew socks could scream so loud?

Gameplay:

Original. Not too fun to play, but it makes you think. Sometimes it screws up and the block off guys you control split up a little.

Crappiest Part:

How it’s GAY! GAY GAY GAY!! There, I said it…

Overall Score:

5/10

  Christmas Crunch (PC) (664.5 KiB, 2,046 hits)

Game by capnchubby, made with GameMaker.

Game Reviews, Games

Chip Buffington (PC) Review

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Developer: gamezwhiz

  Chip Buffington (PC) (1.6 MiB, 1,909 hits)

Game by gamezwhiz, made with GameMaker.

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Overview:

The title screen was a bit cheesy, but i’m not here to talk about that….basically what you do in this game is…collect coins which i don’t know what you do with, get keys and then use them to open the door to go to the next level (if there even is one). And boy, let me tell you right now: What an involving storyline.

Graphics:

I swear that title screen really spoiled it for me. oh yeah i said i wouldn’t talk about it anymore. The graphics are moderate, they’re not great, but they’re not bad.

Sound:

The music is OK, it “sets the mood” but its kind of annoying, along with the sound effects…nothing you can really dance to, if you want me to be frank. But my names not Frank.

Gameplay:

Gameplay is pretty much like Pac-Man, but you can jump…and you get coins…and you get keys…i don’t know why it takes 4 keys to open 1 door, its like living in the ghetto where you have to have 5 locks on your door to feel secure. This game is so stupidly hard, too. You can’t kill the monsters except by losing a life, and on top of that, they shoot little pink things to make it even harder to beat. ARRGHHH!

Crappiest Part:

How it mixes 15.3% Chips’ Challenge and 84% Pac-Man into a hard game. The other 0.7% is shit.

Overall Score:

With all “jokes” aside, this is a basic sidescroller, and he did an ok job making the concept, by mixing 2 old games. But its not the best game around, nor is there too much to keep you entertained if you’re stuck in the first level (like i was). I give it a:

7/10

  Chip Buffington (PC) (1.6 MiB, 1,909 hits)

Game by gamezwhiz, made with GameMaker.

Game Reviews, Games

Chao Virtual Pet System (PC) Review

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Developer: Keyro Productions Inc.

  Chao (PC) (1.2 MiB, 2,106 hits)

Game by Keyro Productions Inc., made with GameMaker.

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Overview:

This is a virtual pet system, that is a little bit deeper than the Tomagotchi shit everyone and their grandmas had a long time ago.

Graphics:

The graphics are average…there aren’t too many different things that are drawn really..

Sound:

The music is pretty good, but after like about 10 minutes of doing nothing but feeding bars of shit and junk like that to your Chao, it won’t be so giddy and happy…except annoying and aneurysmic

Gameplay:

Uhhhhhhhhh….you drag and drop the shit for the Chao to eat…and that’s it…you don’t do anything else.

Crappiest Part:

Well…how it takes so long for the Chao to do anything. I didn’t even SEE it do anything because it took so long. Its just really annoying. Another thing is, you can’t kill your Chao.

Overall Score:

This isn’t fun…I’d only open this game to listen to the music. And the depth that I was talking about before, well its useless depth, you don’t do anything in this game.

5/10

  Chao (PC) (1.2 MiB, 2,106 hits)

Game by Keyro Productions Inc., made with GameMaker.

Game Reviews, Games

Blood of War 3: Operation Snow (PC) Review

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Developer: JCS Games

  Blood of War 3: Operation Snow (1.5 MiB, 1,918 hits)

Game by JCS Games, made with GameMaker.

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Overview:

Blood of War 3 Operation Snow only has one thing going for it. Its name. Now that makes you think. At first sight, Blood of War 3 Operation Snow seems like its a good name, right? Or does it? Its actually really fucking stupid, because there is no fucking snow. Not even yellow snow. And there’s no blood. And there’s no war. And this seems like its a “3rd in the series” kind of game because of the 3. The truth is, I don’t see how this could be the 3rd game of anything, because usually games get better as they get sequels. This game is like a prime cut piece of ass. I think the 3 was just tossed on there for the hell of it, to make it seem like this game was a part of a popular series. But it isn’t. Its all ass, and this ass tastes bad. Very bad.

Graphics:

Bad. The sprites don’t even move. They just slide around. Bullets are big black lines, and there’s a stupid assortment of shitty weapons that don’t even look good when they’re used. This stupid war is being fought in Cement World where everything and everyone is made out of cement. People are colored, so you know they’re people and not walls. When people get shot, they disintegrate into a pile of mush. If they get electrocuted, they change different colors and then disappear. If they get burned with the flamethrower, they fall into a pile of mush. There are these weird crystal things floating out of nowhere, that seem to give you more ammo for your electrocuter…

Sound:

Horrible. The only semi-good sound effect is the gun shot sound. There’s an annoying screaming sound for a soldier when they die by electrocution.

Gameplay:

This game is so fucking boring. There’s nothing to do in this game. All you do is shoot the enemy, or get hit by as many bullets as you can before the game decides to randomly restart the level so you’re back to what you originally had for your health and ammo. This game is bullshit. I don’t see how anyone can have fun playing a game that lets you slide around in a Cement World filled with stupid blue soldiers shooting each other’s dicks off and then shooting them at you so you can eat them.

The flamethrower doesn’t even work right, because when you press Alt, it pauses the game because the game thinks you want to do something with the actual window.

Crappiest Part:

I hate this game. Its 11:30 pm right now, and I’m tired as fuck. This is not the greatest game to play at any time of day, especially this late at night, but nothing can impair my decision about this game sucking the balls of every man (or woman?) within a 5 mile radius of each computer this stupid fucking game is on.

Overall Score:

I’ll tell you something about how this game is good. Getting an extremely low review score.

1/10

  Blood of War 3: Operation Snow (1.5 MiB, 1,918 hits)

Game by JCS Games, made with GameMaker.

Games, Game Reviews

Battlefield 1942 (PC) Review

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Developer: DICE / Publisher: EA Games

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Overview:

The War might be over, but not the slew of games based on it. Don’t get me wrong, I like World War II games that aren’t shitty. Battlefield 1942 definitely isn’t a shitty game. Its actually one of the best games I’ve played. And one of the only PC games I have. I don’t have too many, and this is definitely a must-have for first-person shooter games. And it seems to all be historically accurate. It has the same sort of “realistic” gameplay as Counterstrike, while still making it fun.

Graphics:

The graphics are great. You really can’t get much better right now with these graphics. Of course there’s some exceptions right now, but this is good enough for me. The graphics could get better, but I wouldn’t really care for it too much, unless it was made a little more realistic.

Sound:

The sounds of all the different guns and vehicles are good enough for me. They’re not really that annoying either because when you’re gunning down an enemy, all you care about is killing them.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is just like a regular first-person shooter. There is a single player mode, but I usually play online. The online mode is exactly the same as the single player mode except its not a career, and your computer doesn’t have to do all the work of computing the actions of the dozen or so other guys on the map. Its also a lot more fun online, because you can play with your friends, or you can just play with other people who are usually smarter than the computer.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part about the game is the long load times. The maps are huge, so I understand why it takes so long. It just takes away from the game to have long load times.

Overall Score:

This game is loads of fun, and with mods you can install, the replay value of this game is very high. The best mod out right now is called Desert Combat, and I am actually playing it more than Battlefield 1942.

10/10

Game Reviews, Games

Battle Bees (PC) Review

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Developer: Urisoft

  Battle Bees (1.7 MiB, 2,037 hits)

Game by Urisoft, made with GameMaker.

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Overview:

Battle Bees is a mediocre Real Time Strategy game, set in a mediocre world with mediocre missions. But don’t let that stop you from playing this game. This is actually a fairly involving game that takes a little too much clicking to do what you want to do.

You are the commander of some survivor bees fleeing from their home after a mysterious plague destroyed their livelihood. All the bees that were survivors wandered the world for years, and finally came upon a grand field, that seemed to stretch for miles and miles. It looked like the perfect place to settle down, other than the fact that there was a huge war between all the other insects in the field. As an external force, you’re going to have to destroy all the insect factions in your way and claim the field as your own, for future generations to come.

Graphics:

The graphics are ok. They could have definitely been polished up a bit, and some of them seem to be rushed or not even made by the game creator, like the spider.

Sound:

The sound is alright, and there isn’t anything annoying. When you get into a battle, battle music starts playing. Sometimes this can lag the game though, because a swinging spider can keep going in and out of your “battle zone” (I guess you would call it a battle zone). This really started to show in the 3rd level.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is pretty good. You can direct where units can go, and highlight a big group of units and then tell them where to go. When you have a young bee that becomes an age 3 bee, they are able to become one of 2 bee classes, worker and fighter. When you choose which each one will become, a little box opens with your choices. The box would have been better if it appeared near the bees, and in the same place, but instead it jumps around the screen, and you’d be really lucky if it appeared close to where the previous one was. Supposedly a worker bee is able to get honey, but I didn’t see any real use for it because there weren’t any “base” missions I played so far. They may be used just to get the honey from the flowers, and then right on the spot some bees would pop up. It didn’t really explain that part too well.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part of the game is how the game wasn’t polished enough. There’s a huge amount of spelling and grammar errors that make it so you can just barely understand it when reading. The drawings as well could have been polished a little bit too.

Overall Score:

There aren’t too many games that are RTS games made in Gamemaker. Partly because they probably go a little slow, but this game is pretty good for what it is. It’s worth playing through if you have the patience to read bad grammar. There’s also a lot of levels, so you can play with your bees for a while, and find out what actually happens to the colony.

8/10

  Battle Bees (1.7 MiB, 2,037 hits)

Game by Urisoft, made with GameMaker.

Game Reviews, Games

Arena (PC) Review

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Developer: Delta9 Games

  Arena (PC) (2.5 MiB, 1,916 hits)

Game by Delta9 Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

A space shooter-type game, where you have a ship that looks like a bat, and you go around trying to kill another person (that is playing too, on your keyboard)

Graphics:

The graphics are nothing great, I have no idea what the hell the ship is really supposed to be…are there fangs on it?

Sound:

The title screen music is annoying. But the in-game music is better, and sets “a mood” that you would want to have.

Gameplay:

The control scheme is a bit weird to get the hang of at first, since you go kinda fast for the little amount of space you really have to go in before you have to make a turn, and you bounce off walls, so it might take you about 4 minutes to get out of a dead end corner….

Crappiest Part:

How you have to have someone with you when playing this game. If the other ship had an AI or something, it’d be fun to play…or some random enemies flying around. There should be a one player mode, i guess is what i’m trying to say.

Overall Score:

This game does have a little fun to it, even if you do play alone. I give it a:

7/10

  Arena (PC) (2.5 MiB, 1,916 hits)

Game by Delta9 Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Annihilation (PC) Review

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Developer: Liberty Freak

  Annihilation (PC) (1,008.2 KiB, 2,007 hits)

Annihilation by Liberty Freak. Made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

You are supposed to shoot people or something. I don’t read “story screens”.

Graphics:

ok.. It’s all birds eye perspective, so i guess you can’t expect that much, but infiltrator looks much better.

Sound:

Not that great. Kinda sucks. Actually the menu sounds ok… alright i don’t really remember the sound and i don’t want to play it again.

Gameplay:

Arg! i hate it! it was a good effort but it plays really bad.i hate the RE style controls (rotate, walk forward,backward) i could think of some better schemes… in fact i might just make a game like that to prove it!…anyway it’s hard to shoot anyone and they see you no matter what direction you’re facing… I couldn’t get past the first mission. some doors dont open… i’m not sure what you’re sposed to do with those. if you hit a wall, you stick to it… you walk too fast.. rotate at the wrong speed, i’d say… just not very enjoyable.

Crappiest part:

The sticking to walls thing. And the title. i hate it when people make these stupid titles to hype up their games. arg! also you get all these training missions for the different weapons, then on the first level all you can buy is a pistol. since i coulnt beat that level…. i never really got to “annihilate” everyone!! HAHAHAHA!!!! there’s your stupid review dave. hey evryone, go look at my “AMIGOS” flash movie.

Overall Score:

I give this a 4/10 for effort. there’s probably more levels… so yeah.

  Annihilation (PC) (1,008.2 KiB, 2,007 hits)

Annihilation by Liberty Freak. Made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

5 Finger Fillet (Web) Review

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Developer: 13th Street Games.

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Overview:

Five Finger Fillet is a Flash game in which you have a knife and you have to time your space bar hits so that it goes into the area between your fingers. If you’re not careful, you might cut off a finger…or five..

Graphics:

The graphics are pretty good. There aren’t any animations though, just a hand going back and forth. The red “x” that appears when you hit the space bar is kind of out of place, too.

Sound:

Pretty god damn annoying, that’s for sure. There’s a breathing noise all the time, like the guy is nervous about playing knife-hand. Everytime the knife is put down onto the wood, you hear a thump sound. When its put into the guy’s finger, he screams…like anybody should. But even while he screams, the breathing sound is there…yeah…

Gameplay:

Not that interesting. You press space bar…and try not to cut your fingers off. You have to time them right, as the hand that has the knife goes faster until its not possible for a human’s hand to go.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part is the boring-ness of it. This game is not fun. Sure, I’ll give them points for the fact that they can draw a severed finger bleeding on a nicely colored piece of blue and green wood, but its worth shit if the game isn’t good. You could make a Barbie game look nice graphically, but you know its going to suck.

Overall Score:

Ok, I’ll be straight and to the point. Don’t play the game. Its not good, and the highlights of the game are shown in the 2 screenshots above.

2/10