Category Archives: Stories

Funny stories.

Stories

Bears

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davepoobond and SSR Guy filled this MadLibs in.

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If you go to some run-down place like Yellowstone National Elephant, you must know how to deal with the wild animals such as bears and wolves and galloping pieces of poop.

There are 3 kinds of bears, the grizzly bear, the pie-like bear and the smelly bear. Bears spend most of their time pooing or farting.

They look very smelly pie-like, but if you make them crappy, they may bite your platypus.

Bears will come up to your car and beg for grapes. They will stand on their hind legs and clap their gophers and pretend to be elephant-like.

But don’t get out of your poop mobile or offer the bears any pies or onions.

This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as poopoo and more poopoo.

Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation farting and not get eating by a crrrap.

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davepoobond filled in this one by himself:

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If you go to some gay place like Yellowstone National Pussy, you must know how to deal with wild animals such as bears and wolves and panties.  The most important of these is the bear.  There are three kinds of bears:  the grizzly bear, the lesbian bear, and the horny bear.  Bears spend most of their time sexing or fucking.  They look very gay but if you make them ugly, they may bite your pussy.  Bears will come up to your car and beg for fruits.  They will stand on their hind legs and clap their bears together and pretend to be ugly.  But do not get out of your X-33 or offer bears apples or veggies.  This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as fish and dogs.  Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation slowly and not get eaten by a ninja.

Stories

You’ll Flip Over Flipper

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Flipper has been a household man ever since he made his poo-like debut on television in the marijuana-filled 1960s.

Boys, girls, even poopoos to this day fall in love with this smelly dolphin the minute they lay their legs on him.

After all, who can resist a dolphin that makes you poo out loud as he leaps 13 feet into the poo and catches a gas with his butts?

When Flipper lets out a loud fart, you just know he’s farting to prove beyond a shadow of a fart that dolphins are among the smartest farts in the ocean.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Dollars and Sense

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Once upon a time there was a rich guy named Ron Hubbles, III. Everybody just called him Muffins, though. His gangster friends called him Muvvenz. So, one day Muffins was in his vault admiring how much money he had. He had so much money, he could buy anything he wanted. He could’ve bought a country! But, instead he bought a ghetto in the middle of a city near Los Angeles.

Muffins, owning the ghetto, could do anything he wanted. He changed the name of the ghetto to Ronhub. He also changed all the names of the streets to a varied form of his name, Ron Hubbles, III. There were streets like Ronald, Ronald 2, The Hub, Ubbles, Hubbles III, etc. Yes, life was grand in the ghetto. All the windows that had been broken were boarded up, and it was a safe place because everyone had 8 locks on their doors. But one day, a good four days after it was bought, the ghetto Ronhub became a killing field. Gangsters from all over LA came into Ronhub, and shot everyone they could, because Muffins was sleeping with all their favorite hoes that lived in the area.

Everyone died. There were brains and pantless asses strewn across the streets. Some were even on the roofs of houses. Muffins sold the ghetto the next day, and no one moved into the area again. All the houses were used as crack houses for a year until a meth lab exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew up all the other drug labs in the ghetto.

The moral of the story:
You can’t buy love.

The End.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Take Me Home!

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Once upon a time there was a peaceful alien planet. The inhabitants of the planet, the Calcules have enjoyed many luxuries, and has seen no war for the last 300,000 years. This race focused on education and the well-being of others. Sure there was the usual crime of someone paying too much Schniza, the English translation of the money the Calcules had, for a product. Yes, life was good.

Once upon a time, there was another planet called Earth. Well, Earth was a fucked up place because they had vampires, werewolves, zombies, and bats with penises the size of an elephant’s. Well, this other race of aliens, called the 9 Star 9 80085, was on a purifying mission, and they blew up the Earth.

So, thinking nothing of it anymore, the 9 Star 9 80085s left. But the immortal creatures of the Earth flew around space for another thousand space years, which is about 300 million Earth years. Eventually they all landed on the home world of the Calcules!

There was turmoil all across the lands. Zombies were eating the aliens, and since zombies ate brains, the aliens gave them a feast! The zombies got smarter, and turned the remaining parts of the aliens into shotguns, shooting all the other aliens with them.

The vampires gouged out all the alien’s eyes and sucked out their blood like that. The werewolves cut off the alien’s necks in one swipe. The bats with big penises drove in the alien humvees, and with a gattling gun the zombies made, the zombies shot every alien they could find.

There was a professional alien game called Alienball going on too. Everyone was having a good time, and no one knew of the cataclysms going on outside. The vampires built ramps going up to the top of the stadium on all sides, and once they were all built, at the same time, 3000 bats with big penises with zombies shooting gattling guns drove up the ramps and flew into the air, all of them shooting at the same time. Werewolf paratroopers and vampire fighter planes swooped in and killed all the aliens.

The End.

Fuck you Mark.

Horrible…

Stories

Dan’s Claustrophobia

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Dan suffers from claustrophobia. This fear has begun to interfere with his job and other parts of his life. A marine biologist, Dan could study below the ocean’s surface much more efficiently if he weren’t afraid to go underwater in small submarines. He decides early in life he was accidentally trapped inside a small cave while playing with friends.

Instead of psychoanalysis, Dan may choose behavioral therapy. Rather than focusing on the cause of his problem, the therapist will try to change his habit of avoiding small, enclosed places. The therapist will use behavior modification to help Dan face his fears. The therapist may help Dan learn to be in a small room, and try to relax at the same time. By repeating this many times, Dan learns to link small places with relaxation. Dan may also learn to feel proud each time he enters a small room without being afraid and may reward himself with small treats.

Stories

Happily Married?

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Allan and Janice had been married for 8 years. They had two children and nearly everyone thought they were happily married. But Janice didn’t think so. Allan often became violent with her and the children after he had been drinking alcohol. She couldn’t trust him with the children and often he spent all the family’s money on liquor. Janice felt she had to have some time to herself to sort out the problems. Their marriage counselor suggested Allan and Janice live apart for a few weeks.

Stories

How Kung-Fu Action Guy Saved Christmas

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Note: I know its not Christmas, but why wait? =D This is one of the first four Kungy stories I wrote up out of sheer hyperactivity. Hence the goofy dialouge. Its not supposed to be a masterpiece… so screw dat!!!

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How Kung-Fu Action Guy Saved Christmas!

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This is the story of what happened on Christmas’ Eve, down in the good ol’ town of Little Chinatown. Here in Little Chinadown, Christmas was big. It was something everyone digged. Next to South Town, the Chinatown sat, where not everyone truely was fat.

Mr. Habuki was hanging his wreath. And Ms. Frump was eating her Heath.

Little Yang and Kang, who loved Christmas, were of course, looking forward to their presents on that Christmas day.

And then there’s the Dojo of Little Chinatown… where a “HI-YAAAH!” is heard and a foot suddenly smashes through the wall!!

“Ha ha ha! Oh! That was great! Hohohoh!” Laughed a familiar chinese man. A chinese man we know as JACKIE CHIN! But you don’t call him that. You call him Kung-Fu Action Guy.

Nearby was a cute young girl by the name of Nyoung-Pak-Sui. But her side-kick alias is known as CHICK N’ CHOWMIEN!! Or, as Kungy calls her, CHOW.

“You were supposed to hit the dummy, Kungy.” Chow said to him. Yes, Kungy was trying to hit a dummy hanging from the ceiling. Instead, he hit the wall.

“No worries. I’ll patch that hole up later with my Kung-Fu Quick Drying Cement! Now that our training is done, let’s start hanging everything up for Christmas!” Kungy said as he boarded up the hole with wood.

Chow put up the tree like a good girl should. And then put up the ornaments like everyone would. With a twirl of her beautiful raven black hair, and a personality that made one care.

In other words… SHE’S HOT STUFF! Bodacious bod, nice chest, beautiful all over and red hot! SIZZLIN’! Woot!

“Now that the tree’s all set up, now what, Kungy?” Chow then asked.

“EGG NOG!” Kungy grabbed a carton of Egg Nog and poured some into a glass. “We celebrate with the classic japanese egg nog, little flowah!” Kungy paused… then began drinking out of the carton.
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However, not everyone was jolly about ol’ Christmas. On top of a mountain, sitting there dark, looming, glooming, giant… o Hark! There it be, sitting above Chinatown, the headquarters of MASTER ZEN! Evil supreme!

Clad in a red robe and with black hair that stuck out in front, and a little beard that curled and a long nose… long fingernails and beady eyes… he was tapping, rapping, his fingers on the balcony as he looked down on lovely ol’ Little Chinatown.

“I hate Christmas. Christmas sucks. It sucks, hmph!” Master Zen said in a badly dubbed voice like in Street Racer. He walked over to a table where a gigantic sumo named Moogoo Guypan, and a little midget chef with a giant butcher knife named Chop Suey sat… eating Happy Meals that they got from McDonald’s. “What are you imbeciles doing?! You are henchmen, not schoolkids!”

“But we always eat from McDonalds, Zen-san!” Moogoo said as he burped from his burger.

“EXCUSES!” Zen yells, “Excuses, that’s all! Today we plan the great plan of them all. Listen to me now, my right hand men, for they are the words from Master Zen.
Tonight, when everyone’s tucked in the beds, asleep with dreams going on in their heads, we will destroy all that is jolly, and end Chinatown’s little Christmas folly.”

“But why?” the dwarfish Chop Suey asks.

“BECAUSE! I hate Christmas, and Christmas hates me. I hate it so much it makes me pee! We will make them cry, make them hurt, make them fuss! FOR ALL THEIR CHRISTMAS ARE BELONG TO US!” Zen yelled, then ran to his balcony with an evil grin, a grin so evil it could be a sin.

No one quite knew why he hated it so. But it does make you think a lot, although. Maybe his robe was too small or too tight. Or maybe he didn’t curl his beard just right. Whatever the reason, be it robe or beard, he was mad and that surely appeared.

“Tonight we will strike, we will take all that is nice. And we’ll leave them with some dice. No present, no tree, no Christmas is spared. It will pass by like no one cared.” And with that, Zen laughed an evil laugh, and Moogoo just stared, scratching his calf.

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Back down in Little Chinatown, Kungy was dancing to some bad music. Actually, it wasn’t Christmas music. He was listening to his theme song… KUNG-FU FIGHTING! Sing it with us!

“EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIIIGH-TIIIING!”

“THOSE KICKS WERE FAST AS LIIIIIGHT-NIIIIING!”

“IN FACT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHT-NIIIIING!”

“BUT THEY FOUGHT WITH EXPERT TIIIIM-IIIIING!”

As Kungy danced to the song disco style, Chow went and turned it off. Kungy CONTINUED to dance!! Even when it was in complete silence Kungy still danced. He then grabbed his crotch and did a Michael Jackson impression. “OWWW!”

Just then, there was a thud on the roof!! It made Kungy jump.

“What the?! Hooohhh! Chow! We are being attacked!” Kungy said in a whisper.

Chow reads a book of ‘Crouching Monkey Hidden Dragon’ or whatever it was called. “We are?”

“Yes! It must be our enemies! I will go up and stomp them!”

“Don’t you mean ‘stop?'”

“No, I said STOMP!” Kungy then crept outside, wearing nothing but his black kung-fu pants and chinese shoes and socks, and bare-chested! Ha! Dork. He smells.

He climbed up the ladder and peered over the roof, and he saw a fat, tubby form and a sleigh… with eight reindeer-looking forms! They were all silhouetted against the moon and snow, and the tubby form pulled out a note and began to examine…

Suddenly, Kungy leapt from the ladder and flew at the tubby form with a KUNG-FU ACTION YELL!! “HIIIII-YAH! NOT SO FAST, MOOGOO GUYPAN!”

Kungy clocked the fat form of the man and the man fell from the roof, the note falling from his hand. He hit the ground, very hard, in fact, to have caused the ground beneath to crack. Kungy then landed on ol’ tubbo and said, “You’ve been a bad boy. You’ve got a weird head.”

Chow came running out and realized who it was. “KUNGY! That’s… Santa Claus!”

“Santa?” Kungy then looked down at the man and yes, it was… jolly’ ol loveable St. Nick. “Well, I THOUGHT he seemed thinner.”

Chow picked up the note and realized what it was. “Kungy, this is a list of girls and boys the world over.”

“He must have STOLEN that list!!!”

“Actually, its for deliveries. This is the REAL Santa Claus!”

“Well, that too.”

Chow suddenly began to cry.

“Why you cry?!” Kungy asked, leaping over to Chow. “Dry your eyes! They’re coming out like ice-cycles!”

“Christmas is destroyed! Think of the girls and boys! When they wake up and find out they’re missing their toys.
They’ll wake up with no games, no PS2, the shebang! Nothing in the stockings they so hang. Without an X-Box, a skateboard, a watch, or a doll. Or a new phone to their friends they could call.
The kids, or those poor little dears. Much sadness I see on their face I can fear. What will we do, oh Kungy, oh what? Christmas is gone, oh my gosh, what a rut!”

Then with a grin Kungy stood tall and just said, “No worries, my dear! There is nothing to fear! We will simply save the day! And make all the sadness go away! WE WILL SAVE HALLOWEEN!!!”

Everything came to a silence.

“Um, you mean Christmas.” Chow corrected him.

“That too, my young flowah!” He grabbed St. Nick and chucked him inside then pulled her sidekick in by her hand.

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When good ol’ Santa came to through and through, Chow gave him hot cocoa and a reason not to sue. A cast for his arm that she did make, when his arm, when he fell, happened to break. A leg as well, was broken too, and a cast was there, poor Santa, boo-hoo.

“Thanks for your help.” Ol’ Santa said. “Since this is a season to be forgiving I won’t sue your…weird friend.” He said as he looked at Kungy, who just waved at Santa.

“He mistook you for one of his enemies, Santa-san.” Chow explained. “I hope you’re not mad at us.”

“If that is the reason then I don’t mind. So long as he didn’t attack me out of the blind. But Christmas, oh yes, will not come this year. So many kids will be sad, I fear.” Santa said with sadness in his heart. But then Chow had an idea while Kungy had a fart.

“Dear old Santa, if it’s not too much trouble. We wish to burst that little sad bubble.” Chow said, “Since we’re the good guys and not the bad, Christmas will come, so please, be glad! Me and Kungy will take the job, of giving presents to each Sue and Bob. Every Larry, Donny, Louie, and Moe, and a kiss to every single mistletoe. We will take your job, Mr. Santa, be happy! We promise not to make this year too sappy!”

“Plus the best part of it is… FREE EATS!” Kungy said. He wanted some cookies and milk.

“Well…” Santa pondered for a moment, stroking his beard with his good arm, then grinned. “You have a deal.” He then used his magic powers and blessed Kungy and Chow with red suits with cotton!

“I leave the job of saving Christmas to you! Good luck, Kungy, you big rudy-poo!” Santa said with a hint of annoyance.

“No problo, tubbo!” Kungy said as he rushed out the door, Chow in tow, and leapt into the sleigh with the bag of goodies and the list, then into the air, they went!!!
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But watching that sleigh as it flew into the air was the evil MASTER ZEN!!!! Watching them through a Viewfinder in his fortress, he then looked to Moogoo Guypan, who was aiming a giant cannon. “FIRE!!!” Zan yelled.

Moogoo cried and dove to the floor and began sobbing and crying like a baby. FOR NO REASON!!!!

Chop Suey took action and leapt into the seat to hit the Fire button.

Guns of all sorts popped out from different panels in Master Zen’s poganda fortress and began blasting at the sleigh and reindeer, which Kungy and Chow were flying in!!! And the big-ass cannon? Not a single shot was fired from THAT one.

“Woaaah!” Kungy said, “Nobody said a war would start here and now.”

“It’s not a war, you silly dude!” Chow said. “It’s Master Zen! He’s shooting! How rude!”

“Will you stop with that rhyming stuff already?” Kungy then asked her. He began steering the sleigh away and down lower to deliver the presents around Little Chinatown. Too bad everyone is a heavy sleeper here!

“Damn it!” Zen cried, “We almost had him! If only Moogoo didn’t cry for no reason, we would have destroyed Christmas!”

Chop Suey watched Kungy and Chow fly by with binoculars and shouted to Zen, “HEY! Santa’s not there! It’s Kung-Fu Action Guy and his sidekick Chick N’ Chowmein!”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!” Zen screamed, grabbing the Binocs from Chop Suey and watching Kungy and Chow from them. “EVEN WORSE THAN SANTA!!! We must DOUBLY stop him now!!! Moogoo! Stop crying and call Wang and Nun-Chuck! And while you are at it, get the Ra-Men ready.”
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Within a few magical minutes, the town was all done, but Kungy and Chow still had the whole world to run! As Kungy came out of the very last house, he found a note signed by a familiar louse! Stuck on the sleigh, with words in chinese! Kungy was sure as hell DEFINATELY unpleased!

“Wh…what?!” Kungy looked around and realized that Chow and the reindeer were gone! The toys were also just as unappearant! He looked at the note and began to read.

“Dear Kung-Fu Action Guy… WE HAVE CHOW, THE REINDEER AND TOYS! No more happiness to girls and boys! You want them back? Do you? You dork. Come to Zen, or they die by a fork!! Signed, love and kisses, Master Zen.
THE FIEND!!” Kungy yelled with his fist full of fury, “How dare he now how dare he do! That stupid ol’ nasty ol’ ugly rudy-poo! Zen, I will slap you like a old sick mule! I will challenge you to a big duel!” He then ran off in Zen’s headquarters’ direction. “Damn it, now they got me rhyming.”
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Meanwhile, in Zen’s place!

Chow was bound and gagged tight to a chair with a calm look of fright. With a bandanna tied tight over her mouth and her ropes holding her to a…uh… flowf (made that word up for the rhyme)! Zen and his cohorts were laughing with glee as they chained up the reindeer and made them go pee. They put all the toys somewhere here, a hidden place they know dear!

“HAHAHA! Once we get Kung-Fu Action Guy out of the way…” Zen began, “ALL THEIR CHRISTMAS ARE BELONG TO US!”

Nun-Chuck and The Man Known as Wang laughed too. Chop Suey cuts Moogoo’s toe off and he laughs as well (it’ll be replaced later).

Chow then began struggling and letting out muffled speech. Zen pulled down her gag for her to talk. “What?”

“Nothing. Just testing ya.” She awnsered with a smile.

“Oh, okay.” Zen pulls the bandanna back up over Chow’s mouth.

SUDDENLY!! *suspensful music!*

JUST THEN!!! *horrorfying music!*

ALL OF A SUDDEN!! *tensing music!*

OUT OF THE BLUE!!! *surprising music!*

ABRUPTLY!! *love music!*

WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE…!!! *happy gay music!*

A loud “HIII-YAH!!!” was heard, and the door fell open!! Everyone was staring up at the ceiling as KUNG-FU ACTION GUY IS ON THE ROOF!!

Kungy landed through the chimney and coughed up soot and got into his Kung-Fu pose! “SO! You kidnap Chowmien and steal toys and reindeer! You won’t get away with that! Ho ho ho!”

“Ho ho ho THIS!!!” Chop Suey runs at Kungy and swings his big butcher knife at him while Moogoo Guypan leaps at Kungy and executes a BELLY FLOP! E HONDA STYLE!! Kungy then leaps out of the way and Moogoo ends up falling on Chop Suey… which flattens him and renders him unconscious. THen, the floor cracks up beneath Moogoo and he, with Suey, falls through the floor and crashes all the way down into the basement with a CRASH!!!

Nun-Chuck and the Man Known as Wang are up next! Nun-Chuck bows to Kungy and speaks to him in a pleasant voice. “I’m sorry, my son. But…” She then clocks Kungy over the head with a nunchuck and kicks him in the groin! “AI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!” She yells her Xena-yell as she twirls her nunchucks around.

She swings her nunchuck again and suddenly Ben Ser Ship, the magical man of censorship whom of which we do not know, appears!

“No, we won’t be using weapons this time.” Ben Ser Ship said. “Instead of nunchucks, Nun-Chuck will be fighting Kung-Fu Action Guy with a flower. Flowers are much nicer and they don’t hit as hard.” With his words, Ben Ser Ship used his censorship magic to change Nun-Chuck’s nunchucks into flowers and she hits Kungy with them, which spreads petals everywhere!!

“I don’t fight my sisters!” Kungy then said to the nun and picked her up and shoved her onto a bus taking her to Alabama.

“DAMN YOU, KUNG-FU ACTION GUY!!!” Master Zen yelled. “But you can’t beat THE MAN KNOWN AS WANG!!!”

Wang was already kicking Kung-Fu Action Guy’s butt with his piece of string and tossing Kungy like a barbie doll!! It looked like the end of Kungy and Christmas, when suddenly… SAKURA PETALS RAINED FROM THE SKY!

“Oh oh! No! Those petals!” Zen gasped.

Standing a street away down below was a mysterious ninja in the moonlight… who then leapt into the headquarters and brandished his swords.

“It’s…” Kungy began…

“THE DUDE DOWN THE STREET!!!” Zen screamed. He pointed at the ninja to his henchmen, the Ra-Men. “ATTACK!!!”

The Ra-Men tried to attack The Dude Down the Street with their rubber knives but they were all sent flying backwards with a simple STARE!!!

Wang then got distracted and Chow, still bound and gagged, swung the end of the chair’s legs into Wang’s crotch and clocked him over the head with her chair once he was on his knees.

“NO! I won’t be stopped!” Master Zen said. “Christmas will BE DESTROYED!!!” Zen then ran over to his Giant Incenerator and there sat… THE BAG OF TOYS!!

“No! Not the toys!” Kungy yelled. The Dude Down the Street just watched.

“Yes! The toys!” Zen laughed. “I will BURN them all. Christmas is not going to come for anyone anymore. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

All of a sudden, a loud gong was heard… everyone turned to see a large silhouette standing in the moonlight!

“I will not let you destroy Christmas, Master Zen! You have crossed the Naughty line.”

“That voice! That shape! It is!” Zen gasped.

The silhouette leapt from the shadows and it was… SANTA CLAUS!!!

“St. Nick-san?!” Kungy yelled, “But you have a broken arm and broken leg!”

“Not anymore! I used the healing process Mr. Miyugi used in the Karate Kid. Worked pretty good!” Santa said as he turned to Zen, “I’ve already found out who’s naughty and nice, and you have been naughty this year, Zen! Don’t mess with the S!”

“I’d like to see you try, Santa!” Zen said, getting into his kung-fu stance.

Santa got into a kung-fu stance as well, then BOTH Zen and Santa began fighting each other with a wild assortment of kung-fu kicks and punches!! Kung-fu yells and shouts rang through the headquarters! Santa unleashed a kung-fu kick while Zen dodge and tried a judo chop! Santa leapt away in a flip and then began using jump kicks and flyin’ fists while Zen dodged and used palm strikes! But in the end, Santa overpowered Zen in moments with a fierce karate chop!!!

“Zen never loses!” Zen got up and ran toward the door. “I WILL BE BACK!” as he opened the exit, he was pounced on by the COPS Cops, who began to beat the crap out of him senselessly, as they does all the perpatrators, “Bad Boys” playing in the background!

Kungy untied Chow from her bindings and freed the reindeer. “It looks like we saved Christmas after all!” Kungy said. “But how does Santa know kung-fu?”

“Let’s just say a little bird told me.” Santa said.

Everyone began laughing.

“I don’t get it.” Kungy said. he then saw the Dude Down the Street leave. “Hey, I wonder who that ninja dude REALLY is?”

“No time to wonder now, Kungy-san!” Chow said, “We’ve got very little time! Christmas’ eve is almost over… we’re too late.”

“Not so!” Santa said! “You all should know Kris Kringle is faster than the speed of sandwiches. I will take over from here, and I bid you farewell! Thank you for keeping Christmas safe! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” As Santa flew back up the chimney… the sleigh, reindeer, and the toys disappeared… as well as all of Zen’s men and right-hand men!

Well, let’s just say that they are now presents to the Chinatown Police.

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Kungy and Chow headed home. By the time they got home, it was Christmas morning! No sleep! But when they got inside, what they found was a treat! A spectacular display of Christmas gifts!

Chow and Kungy had got what they wanted! A cookbook for cooking, her favorite pasttime, and for Kungy, well…

…he got a lump of coal.

Yes! coal!

“Cool! I got COAL!” Kungy said.

Chow just stared at him… “What? You actually asked for coal?”

“Yeah. Don’t you know?” Kungy opened his closet and tons of lumps of coal fall out. “I’ve been collecting it for years! I LOVE Coal.”

“Uh, yeah, okay.”

“I’ve learned a valuable lesson from all of this, Chow.”

“What’s that, Kungy-san?”

“If the sweatsock fits, wear it!!” Kungy then said, and he began laughing like as if the whole thing made sense. Chow just stared at him and then looked to the readers of this fanfic.

“…I sometimes wonder if I’m hanging around with the right hero.” Chow said.

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THE END!!!

Stories

Australia: Beware of the Dingos

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The dingos are getting closer. I’ve been running from them for about a month now. everywhere I turn there is a dingo. Dingo, dingo, dingo…I don’t know where I am. I must be near a river, because I can hear water running. Maybe if I get in the river I could wash off this horrible stench of rotting flesh. Earlier today I killed a boar and rolled around in its entrails, hoping to smell like a boar, not dingo food. As you have probably guessed, it didn’t work. I can’t even describe what I smell like now, all I know is: Dingos eat boards, too.

I’m in a tree. It’s morning and I woke up in a tree…How could I–what was that sound? It sounded like a…baboon? No, baboons aren’t in Australia…are they? I wish I had my nature book…it sounds…a bit like a dog, actually–of course! How could I forget I am being hunted by a pack of dingos? Now I remember…I climbed the tree to be safe for a night. I wonder if I can just stay up here…? No, the dingos must have picked up on my trail by now. I must move on. If i can get into a town, I will be safe. The dingos are getting closer, I must make a decision: stay in the tree, or make a run for it. There is no use staying in this tree all day, so I must run as fast as I can.

Its about noon, I think. I found the river, so I’m safe for not. the dingos can’t swim. As soon as I am rested, I will move on at a leisurally pace. Now that I am on the other side of the river, I have nothing to fear.

Stories

***SeX eDuCaTiOn***

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Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. “Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured ‘Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time ‘Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.