Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?”
The first inmate said, “God told me!”
A voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #9277: That Time of the Month
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
Joke #9276: General Nuisance
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”
Joke #9275: Horse Sense
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
Joke #9274: Wetting His Whistle
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s hit — but, only a glancing blow — and is thrown, head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man: “Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies: “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
Joke #9273: Nothing But the Truth
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”
“But, what?”
“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”
Joke #9272: Senior Thesis
A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments.
“My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup.”
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can’t see to pour my coffee.”
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.”
“My blood pressure pills make my dizzy.”
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.”
“Well, it’s not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive.”
Joke #9271: Blind Justice
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”
The father thought for a moment. “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”
Joke #9270: Strong-Arm of the Law
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Joke #9269: One Froggy Evening
An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
“I’m a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.”
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
“What, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“Nope,” replied the old man. “At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac.”
Joke #9268: Chasing Chicks
An old farmer was relaxing on his porch one evening, watching his rooster in the yard running around chasing after the hen.
They circled the yard half a dozen times, the cock in what seemed to be fierce pursuit of the hen.
The farmer’s wife then threw some scraps into the yard and the hen kept right on running, but the rooster stopped for nourishment.
The farmer then lamented: “Good God in Heaven, I pray that I never get that hungry!”
Joke #9267: The Pusher
A little girl in her Sunday-best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late.”
At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty.
She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying… “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late, but don’t shove me anymore!”
Joke #9266: Power Breakfast
Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers.
One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake……can I have breakfast with you in the morning?”
Joke #9265: Wild Hearts Can Be Broken
A blonde man comes home from work and hears his wife yelling. He runs up the stairs and finds her in bed naked; the blonde asks his wife what’s wrong.
She says she’s having a heart attack. He runs downstairs to call 911 where he finds his 5 year old son.
The boy cries, “Daddy, uncle’s in the closet naked!”
So the dolt runs back upstairs and opens the closet and sure enough there was his brother naked in his closet.
“I can’t believe it!” he yells, “My wife has an emergency and you’re running around scaring the kids!”
Joke #9264: Making Book
The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.
They didn’t want that in the book, but they didn’t want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, “Leave it to me.”
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
“He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock.”