The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
A man frantically calls 911 and says, “Help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart”.
The 911 operator asks, “is this her first child?”
To which the man replies, “Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband.”
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Another version of this joke:
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”
Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, “Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven’t seen him for a while.”
The senior exec replied, “Haven’t you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky.”
“Good Lord,” replied the junior man, “You’re kidding me, right? What did he have?”
“Oh, nothing much,” replied the elder exec. “A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after.”
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the young accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the young accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars”
“Eighty-five thousand dollars!” the young accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant isn’t working.”
An overweight man in the corner replied, “It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any.”
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it Tim?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, “That’s because he’s still inside your stupid cat.”
At a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple. The young man said to the old man, “I have heard tell that when you get up in years, you can’t have sex anymore.”
The elderly couple said, “I don’t know where you heard that, but we have sex almost every night.”
“Really?”
“Sure. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . .”
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. “Randy”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.
But Randy didn’t stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out “Stop, Randy, you’ll kill yourself!” But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Randy whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer”
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.”
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.
The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.”
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.”
Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.”
But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we’re going to be millionaires!”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
One day, two old men at a retirement home were sitting on the front porch.
One man says to the other, “Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good.”
As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him. “Actually, sharp as ever.”
After a couple minutes of silence, he said, “So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?”