Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: Because her father is Janet Reno.
Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #10464
Q: What kind of bleach does Snoop Dogg use?
A: Blea-yotch!
Joke #10463
Q: What’s the center of gravity?
A: V.
Joke #10462
Q: What is in the middle of nowhere?
A: H.
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Another version of this joke:
Q: What is in the middle of Paris?
A: The letter R.
Joke #10392
A blonde walks in to a store and says to the cashier “Can I buy that TV?”
The cashier says, “No.”
The blonde leaves the store.
The next day, the blonde walks back into the store and says “Can I have that TV?”
The cashier says “No,” so the blonde leaves the store.
The next day the blonde walks back into the store and says “Can I have that TV?”
The cashier says “no” again
This time the blonde asks, “Why won’t you sell me the TV?”
The cashier says “Because, that’s a toaster, not a TV.”
Joke #10297
Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
“Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added….
“And, Kathryn?”
“Yes, mom?”
“Call them first and let them know you’re coming.”
Joke #9380
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down.
Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, “I don’t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run…”
The physicist interrupted him: “…but you didn’t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning…”
“…so if you’re so hot why are you broke?” asked the engineer. But before the argument had a chance to grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
“Well,” he says, between puffs on the pipe, “first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical…”
Joke #9379
In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention — so he’s let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade. He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime, and so he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem……”
Joke #9378
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, “A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution.”
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, “This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd.”
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, “I define myself to be on the outside!”
Joke #9377
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Joke #9376
Did you hear about the statistics professor who drowned in a pool which had an average depth of 30 cm?
Joke #9375
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The Biologist: “They have reproduced”.
The Mathematician: “If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again.”
Joke #9311: Fresh Popped Colonel
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said “Kramer, your grandmother died.”
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, “You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.”
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor’s grandfather had passed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, “Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!”
Joke #9310: Sam’s Explosive Secret
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”
Joke #9309: The Judge Shows No Class
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes. “You’re a schoolteacher, eh?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”