The Video Professor: Hello! I’m The Video Professor with another product from Smart Carpets. Its called Radiator Carpet!
(The Video Professor lies down on the carpet in front of him)
The Video Professor: do you just happen to be cold-blooded or feel like being a lizard or a spider for no apparent whatsoever in you life? Look no further than the plug-inable Radiator Carpet!
(The Video Professor rolls around)
The Video Professor: IT works like a VCR in the sense that you don’t know how to program it, and it can plug into an outlet! But there are some drawbacks…
(The Video Professor gets 3rd degree burns all over his body)
The Video Professor: We have yet to come out with a model that you can actually control! Only $1500, at your local Smart Carpeteers! AHHHHH! THE BURNING!!!
The Video Professor: Hello. I am the Video Professor. Since I am piss poor because I was practically giving away my CDs to help people learn how to use their computers, I’ve decided tow work for Smart Carpets, the best wholesale carpet makers ever. Today, I’m here to show you their latest product. The Radio Carpet
(The Video Professor sits on a chair in front of a carpet)
The Video Professor: It works just like a VCR, except it’s a radio and has nothing to do with a VCR. It actually blows up all VCRs in a 10 centimeter radius if you’re not careful! I’ll show you how it works.
(The Video Professor leans toward the carpet)
The Video Professor (screaming): I want to listen to Backstreet Boys!
Radio Carpet: You’re gay. Here’s some N*Sync for the day!
(N*Sync music starts playing)
The Video Professor: This is a happenin’ beat!
(The Video Professor smiles)
Radio Carpet: Hey, this got flare, how above some music from a guy named Dave!
(Dave Mathews Band starts playing)
The Video Professor: The whole carpet is mixed in with millions of mini-speakers and mini-microphones. Every time it changes music it makes a rhyme, too!
Radio Carpet: That’s right, Pro, how about some Cro-ws?
(Crows start to squawk from the carpet)
The Video Professor: Well, there are some drawbacks…you can’t walk on the carpet because of the speakers and microphones and sometimes it picks something bad!
Radio Carpet: I’m hungry, how about some music from Hungary?!
(The Video Professor looks at the camera with a weird face)
The Video Professor: Only $36000! Would you please buy it? Please?
Man: we just dehydrate it, and sell it to you. Its that simple. Never the same taste, and almost nutritious! We have 300 healthy and not so healthy workers working day and night!
(the camera gets a view of an assembly line of people barfing into cups. Some have green faces)
Old Guy: Hello, everyone I’m ol’ Cornbucker, but you can just call me Corny!
(Corny takes a step to the right, leaning on his cane. After 10 seconds, he moves again to the right, but stops)
(a guy goes over and pushes the table next to Corny)
Corny: thank ye sonnee…
(Corny picks up a can that says Old Man Soda)
Corny: This soda here has so much energy-giving, we’re going to scroll it really really fast!
Sugar
Novacain
Heroine
Crystal Meth
Caffeine
Alcohol
Corn Syrup
Ricotta Cheese
Beef fiber
Corny: yeap! That’s a lot, ain’t it? With one drink of this here soaa-dy pop, you’ll feel like a kid again!
(Corny takes a swig, and he tosses his cane into the air, grabs it and does a stupid dance)
Corny: see! I’m feelin’ like a high teenager now, and I’m going to get lots of pussy! One sip lasts ten hours! Drink enough, and you’ll feel like a kid forever, until your heard explodes or your stomach walls collapse! But who cares? We were gonna die of that anyway! Dah dah duh dah!
Announcer Guy: hello, I am the announcer guy that seems to be the voice of every commercial and movie trailer that has an announcer in it, and I don’t get any flippin’ credit! How do people know how to hire me? I’m not exactly rich, because I’m not put into the credits or anything. But somehow, this Trash Can Company called the Super Trash Can Company hired me for 15 and a half bucks to tell you about their new product, the Super Secure Trash Cans.
(Announcer Guy walks net to a trash can)
Announcer Guy: are you pissed off at assholes trying to steal your garbage so it doesn’t go to the dump, and they’d actually probably get some use out of your trash? Now, if you buy these new trash cans, keys come with them, so you can lock and unlock your trash cans! Ain’t that great? There’s also a way to get thieves that really mean business-wanting to cut open the trash can with an axe or by any means necessary including, but not limited to
(scrolls really fast)
Drowing the trash can
Cutting it open with an axe
Ramming it with a bulldozer
Fast-talking politician-type speech
Announcer Guy: If you get the Deluxe version, the trash can defends itself. Observe.
(Announcer Guy walks nearer to the trash can)
Trash Can: STEP AWAY FROM THE TRASH CAN-OR ELSE!
Announcer Guy: most people would have crapped their panties already, but if they realllllllllly want your trash can that badly, and take one step closer…
(Announcer Guy takes one step closer)
Trash Can: you asked for it, asshole
(Trash Can sprouts legs and arms, and the Trash Can reaches inside and takes out a shotgun, blowing Announcer Guy away, and stomping on him over and over)
(The Trash Can runs around blowing away the camera guys and staff)
(The screen cuts to the Technical Difficulties sign with Dacky on it, playing classical music)
Two guys are taking a shower together…one is putting soap all over his body and the other is…”helping him”.
Bubba: “Ok now bend those legs! I need to scrub underneath!”
Vitch: “Oh ttthhhuper!”
Vitch bends over like the Vitch he is and Bubba scrubs his backside and grundel area. Vitch stands up again.
Vitch: “Ok pass the Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo. I need to wash my hair.”
Bubba: “Don’t forget your pubes, they smell like ass.”
Bubba passes over the Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo and Vitch takes a handful and puts his all over his hair.
Vitch: “Oh yeah! OH YEAH! OHHHHHHH!”
Suddenly a splat sound is heard and Bubba and Vitch look down.
Vitch: “Oh Shit…”
Bubba: “YOU NASTY BASTARD! I COME…” He makes a nasty face. “I COME IN HERE TO HELP YOU SHOWER AND YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD ON ME!”
Vitch: “My bad dogg! I didn’t mean to…it’s just this Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo gives me an orgasm every time I use it…I have no Idea why…”
Bubba: “Well if anyone saw this, INCLUDING your wife, they think we’re gay or something! The fuck is wrong with you man?”
An Ahem is heard off screen and Vitch and Bubba turn to the camera.
Bubba: “Is that…Is that a…VIDEO CAMERA?”
Vitch: “Oh yeah…I promised them I’d shot a Herb Orgasmic Essence commercial. Didn’t I tell you.”
Another splat is heard and Bubba gets pissed.
Bubba: “You…fuckin….bitch….”
Bubba tackles them and they start wrestling in the shower while a whole bunch of splats are heard. Suddenly, Vitches wife comes…ewww…comes into the bathroom to see her husband and his best friend naked in the shower with a video camera taping them…
Marianne: “YOU’RE SHOOTING GAY PORNS IN OUR OWN BATHROOM WITH BUBBA?!?! THATS IT, FIRST YOU SHOOT YOUR LOAD ON ME EVERYTIME YOU USE THAT SHAMPOO WHEN WE SHOWER AND NOW THIS? I WANT A DIVORCE!”
Marianne storms out and Bubba picks up Vitch and throws him against the camera man and the screen goes black.
Two kids are standing in a Forrest, at midnight, eating a bowl of Twigg’s cereal as a hippopotamus is hiding behind a tree, listening in on the kids.
Little Jimmy: “Yum this Twigg’s cereal sure is good…it has the real taste of wood with a hint of pine cone!”
Little Susie: “It’s a good thing that we decided to walk out in the Forrest at midnight and eat our Twigg’s cereal, especially with all those serial killers and priests walking around!”
The hippopotamus hiding behind the tree whispers to the TV screen.
Hippopotamus: “I’m going to dress up as a Priest so I can get some Twigg’s cereal!”
He dresses up as a priest behind the tree and he walks over to the kids.
Hippopotamus: “Hey kids! How about letting me get into the Twigg’s cereal! I’ve been at Children’s Ass…I mean Mass all day…boy it’s exhausting!”
Little Jimmy: “Sure thing Mrs. Priest Ma’am!”
Little Jimmy hands the ‘priest’ a bowl of Twigg’s cereal.
Hippopotamus: “Finally the great taste of the Forrest in one bowl of cereal! That woody pine cone flavor putting splinters into my mouth as I scream in pain!”
He starts dancing and he trips over a log and falls down, his priest clothing falling off, revealing his true fat self!!!!!
Little Susie: “It’s the hippo…hippo…hippotumas…eh however the fuck you say it…”
Hippopotamus: “Hippo – pot – thomas”
Little Jimmy: “You ludicrous hippopotamus, Twigg’s are for preadolescent homo sapiens!”
Hippopotamus: “Oh fuck! I mean…Oh Darn!”
The kids start laughing at him as he stands up and they take away his bowl of Twigg’s cereal. The Hippopotamus growls angrily and eats Little Jimmy in one bite.
Little Susie: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Hippopotamus: “Come here BITCH!”
Little Susie starts running away and the Hippopotamus follows as they run off screen and then you hear bloody screams and things getting ripped to shreds as you see shoes and clothing and a few arms and legs fly by the screen. The scene ends when the bloody screams end and you hear a loud belch.
“Twiggs Cereal…part of your complete morning wood.”
(Insta-Pantie Party Man is dancing with a bunch of girls. He stops, but the girls keep dancing. All the girls are down to their underwear, as well as Insta-Pantie Party Man. It looks like he has at least 20 pairs of women’s panties on)
(Insta-Pantie Party Man snaps his fingers, and all the girls disappear)
Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hello, would you like this to be your everyday life? If so, listen on!
(Insta-Pantie Party Man walks to a different part of his house)
Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hi. I’m Insta-Pantie Party Man, and I’m going to tell you about a new discovery in the very interesting field of Pantie Pary Research.
(Insta-Pantie Party Man takes out a bottle from his panties and displays it, pointing at it with his free hand)
Insta-Pantie Party Man: Introducing the all new Insta-Pantie Party Spray! Just spray…
(Insta-Pantie Party Man sprays a little and hot girl appears out of nowhere in her panties, dancing)
Insta-Pantie Party Man: -and you instantly have a Pantie Party! Just keep spraying, and you get more! We have several types of Insta-Pantie Party Sprays available. We’ll have them scroll the screen really fast, so get your pens ready!
(scrolling really fast)
12 year old and under Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Teenager Insta-Pantie Party Spray
20 – 30 years old Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Mid Life Crisis Insta-Pantie Party Spray
“Middle Aged” Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Senior Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Friggin Old Insta-Pantie Party Spray
“I just can’t get it up, but maybe this will work” Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Dogs Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Giraffes Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Hippos Insta-Pantie Party Spray
and all new Clown Insta-Pantie Party Spray, and Pirate Insta-Pantie Party Spray
Insta-Pantie Party Man: all these come in male, female, hemaphrodite, transexual, bisexual male, bisexual female, trisexual, and trisexual with goozaks. You can find them at any Pool and Spa stores
Manny With No Fanny – Hello! I’m Manny With No Fanny, and I work at every gas station you can imagine, because *I’m* the guy that owns them all
(Manny starts pacing)
Manny: *I* have a great cheap product in all my gas stations now! You can buy them for a buck a piece! They’re sunglasses and they come in various shapes and sizes! Best of all, they’re at all my gas stations! Buy them now or die!
(a group of 4 people are eating in a fancy restaurant)
Fred in Red: what the hell! These ribs are rotten!
Nurple in Purple: My cobb salad ranks!
Toad in a Boat: my frogs legs are slimy
Pillsbury Doughboy: these aren’t my toaster strudels!!
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man falls out of nowhere, with huge work boots onto the table, making all the plates jump. He’s wearing jeans, a vest with nothing under, so you can see his big burly hairy chest, a yellow construction guy hat, and a heavy-looking hammer)
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: Don’t like your food? I’ve got a great *NEW* product for you to use
Fred in Red: what the — !
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: That’s right! Its called Yuck!-Be-Gone Sauce!
Nurple in Purple: wow! What is it, and will it make you get into my pants…?
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: well! I’m glad you asked what it is, but the truth is, I wouldn’t touch you with a hammer!
Nurple in Purple: awww…
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: But I’ll BASH you in the head with one!!
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man swings his hammer into Nurple in Purple’s temple, cracking his skull in half)
Fred in Red: …ew…
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: well, anyway
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man takes a bottle out of his pocket)
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man (pointing to it): That’s me on the bottle. What you do is, sprinkle a little of this on your food
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man sprinkles some Yuck!-Be-Gone Sauce on their food)
(they taste their food)
Fred in Red: It still sucks! It doesn’t taste any better than before, except there is an extremely poisonous aftertaste in every bite!
(Toad in a Boat crocks, falls into his frogs legs, and dies)
Pillsbury Doughboy: I think my lips are rashy!
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man gets FURIOUS)
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: I forgot the 2nd step though!
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man grabs Fred in Red’s tongue and slams it on the table, still holding onto it)
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: I forgot to HAMMER it down!!
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man slams his hammer on Fred’s tongue over and over and over. When Yuck!-Be-Gone Man lets go, Fred keels over and passes out, falling backwards in his chair)
Pillsbury Doughboy: mmmhmmm!
(Pillsbury Doughboy runs really fast, away from Yuck!-Be-Gone Man)
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man appears out of nowhere, and kicks him into the air, slamming him with the hammer into the ground, and pounding the fluff outta him)
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: I bet it tastes better now!
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man looks at the camera)
Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: Whaddya want??
(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man runs at the camera swinging his hammer over his head)
(the scene cuts to the technical difficulties screen)
Announcer: Do you have pesky insects bothering you ?
Bugs that bug you ?
Well what you need is… DAVEPOOBOND-B-GONE!
Proven to work in five different countries!
Ethiopia! Venezuela ! Germany! Peru! and even the Good ol’ Great Britain have all reported fantastic reports of being rid of these pesky creatures! Dave hasn’t left the United States yet! So get yours today! For only $20 a can!
Any and all side effects such as drowsiness, nausea, blindness and choking is assured not a side effect of this problem
Despite we have been sued 89 times, we assure you, this product is healthy and safe
(Mr. Clean walks to the middle of the screen, winking. A sparkle appears on his eye when he does, and he crosses his arms against his chest)
Mr. Clean: I am Mr. Clean!
Old Lady (comes out of a door): bathroom tiles are clean, thanks to Mr. Clean!
Mr. Clean: that’s right! I have opened a dojo now, to teach people how to do the amazing things I can! Like wave my arm and everything is clean! Its only 5 dollars a day, and you’re taught by the best Clean Masters to date, not including me, because I’d rather be engulfed by my profits and swim in my money…!
(5 Italian guys in Mr. Clean uniforms run and get into a pyramid behind Mr. Clean)
Mr. Clean: you can learn how to do this!
5 Italian Guys: Hi-yah!!
(amazingly the floor around them is clean)
Mr. Clean: Its all about showmanship here, so get you ass down here, quick!
(Mr. Clean points to the camera)
Mr. Clean: or, I’ll Clean ya! And make YOU into a forest fire!
