Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #8991
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Joke #8990
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be open when she brings it.
Joke #8989
Q: What did one fan say to the other fan?
A: You blow me away.
Joke #8988
Q: How did the bones cross the street?
A: They didn’t. The dogs ate them.
Joke #8987
A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway.
The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn’t believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change.
“Hope you enjoyed your beer,” he said to the gorilla, “We don’t get too many gorillas coming in here.”
“At nineteen dollars a beer,” said the gorilla, “it’s no wonder.”
Joke #8986
A woman calls the airline office in Chicago and asks, “How long does it take to fly to Seattle?”
The clerk says to her, “Just a second.”
“Thank you.” the lady says, and hangs up.
Joke #8985
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
“Well,” says the dog, “I’m not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages.”
“Really!” says the master. “Say something in a foreign language.”
The dog says, “Meow ! “
Joke #8984
A lion spots a monkey walking through the jungle. He grabs him by the neck and roars “Who’s the king of the jungle?”
The frightened monkey says, “You are, of course, your majesty.”
The lion does this to several other animals, with the same results. Then the lion goes up to an elephant, grabs him by the trunk and roars, “Who’s the king of the jungle?”
The elephant picks the lion up with his trunk, bounces him a few times on the ground, grabs his tail, twirls the lion around over his head, and then lets him go flying into a mud puddle.
The lion looks up at the elephant and says, “Well, if you don’t know the answer, just say so!”
A couple of zoologists decided to give a lion a cell phone in order to keep track of his whereabouts. Unfortunately, whenever they tried to call, the lion was busy!
Joke #8983
A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn’t want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it’s too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it’s still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.
“That’s more like it!”, the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.
“No problem,” says the tailor, “Just hunch up your right shoulder.”
So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.
“No problem,” says the tailor, “Just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird’s wing.”
So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.
“Well, just keep that leg stiff,” says the tailor, “and no one will notice.”
“I’ll take it!”, the guy says.
So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird’s wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.
As he’s walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, “I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!”
“Me neither,” the other doctor says. “Nice suit, though.”
Joke #8982
Larry: How much is 5Q +5Q?
Lennie: 10Q
Larry: You’re welcome!
Joke #8981
A guy and his dog go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, get that dog out of here… we don’t allow dogs in here.”
Wait a minute, the guy says, “This is no ordinary dog ! This is ‘Plato’ the talking dog!”
“Yeah, sure” says the bartender.
“I’ll prove it to you,” says the guy. “Plato… what’s on top of a building?”
“ROOF!” says the dog.
“Look,” says the bartender, “just how dumb do you think I am?”
“Wait a minute,” says the guy. “Plato, how does sandpaper feel?”
“RUFF!” says the dog.
“Do I have ‘stupid’ tattooed across my forehead or something,” says the bartender. “Now get that dog out of here! ”
“Wait.. I’m not through”, says the guy. “Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“RUTH!” says the dog.
“That does it !! ” says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, “Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?”
Joke #8980
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
Joke #8979
“Pardon me, lady”, said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, “but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?”
“You certainly did!!”, said the woman in the aisle seat.
“Good, then I’m in the right row!” the man said as he went back to his seat.
#8977: JustinChi012 -> davepoobond
I knew someone named Justin at school, and someone who knew him made a screen name after him and IMd me, impersonating him.
–
JustinChi012: Hello
JustinChi012: Lee Holloway does her best to compose herself as she readies for her job interview.
davepoobond: …
davepoobond: wtf?
davepoobond: justin?
JustinChi012: yes?
davepoobond: why the HELL are you iming me
davepoobond: you blocked me 3 years ago, let alone even talked for that long
JustinChi012: I want to send you a picture of my new girlfriend
davepoobond: bull
JustinChi012: nm
davepoobond: how did you even remember this sn
JustinChi012: HA HA! THAT IS HUMOR, MY FRIEND! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! GET IT? If only the super-intelligent Goth Poets could combine forces with the ultra-hilarious webcomic authors of the world! Then we’d have one easy, visible target to direct the orbiting laser cannons at. Oops, I just ended that last sentence with a preposition.
davepoobond: justin, yer freakin me out. you type too fast
JustinChi012: This is Sam Arnold.
davepoobond: …
davepoobond: who?
davepoobond: how’d you get my sn
davepoobond: hello?
JustinChi012: Damn I still can’t send the pic
davepoobond: …
JustinChi012: I am Justin
davepoobond: i’m on aol…
davepoobond: ok, if yer justin, what classes are you taking
JustinChi012: AP English
JustinChi012: Pre Cal
JustinChi012: w8…y am i tellin yoo dish
davepoobond: trying to find out if yer justin
davepoobond: ok, i believe you in that. what grade did we meet
JustinChi012: Have you ever ate bar-b-que?
JustinChi012: 8th
davepoobond: YOU LIE
davepoobond: 7th grade, dimwit
davepoobond: remember, 7th grade math
davepoobond: who was our teacher
davepoobond: just as i thought
JustinChi012: kissel
davepoobond: unh hunh..
davepoobond: that’s a 50% chance
davepoobond: hold on gtg eat dinner
JustinChi012: Have you ever ate bar-b-que?
davepoobond: why are you asking me that
davepoobond: what i dont understand is why you’re IMing me at all
davepoobond: i thought you hated me..
davepoobond: and i dont see any reason behind why you would want me to see yer girlfriend
davepoobond: unless you wanted me to laugh at you
JustinChi012: because she’s purdy
JustinChi012: that too
JustinChi012: w8…no i dun
davepoobond: hmm….justin usually talked more asian…and didnt use contractions like w8
JustinChi012: fuq yoo
davepoobond: thatsa boy
davepoobond: lessee….what else can i ask you about
davepoobond: to make sure its you
davepoobond: ok, was i your friend in 7th and 8th grade
davepoobond: =-O
davepoobond: yes or no answer the question yes or no answer the question
JustinChi012: no
JustinChi012: How do you feel about “All in the Family”?
davepoobond: good job, thats the right answer
davepoobond: y r u askin me these stupid questions
davepoobond: WAIT A SECOND
davepoobond: HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVEN GET A GIRLFRIEND
davepoobond: yer freakin JUSTIN for cryin out loud
JustinChi012: Do you enjoy the beach?
davepoobond: yes, on occasion
davepoobond: but i dont like it when the giant squids come out and eat your toes
davepoobond: and then the asteroids, and the mermaids….::shudder::
davepoobond: its an evil place that beach
davepoobond: but i like the calming waves
JustinChi012: I once went to the circus and there were lions and one of them took a dump and then the trainer came out and stepped in it and fell down
davepoobond: except when spears shoot out of them
davepoobond: ok then
davepoobond: so then, howsa bout tellin me why yer IMing me and how you remembered this sn
JustinChi012: Because I won the lottery
davepoobond: mmh…interesting aspect that is SINCE YER NOT EVEN GAMBLING AGE-LEGAL
davepoobond: and yer being a little too random for a justin
JustinChi012: ACTUALLY I DONT HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS THEY WONT COME OVER BECAUSE ONE TIME ONE OF THEM WENT TO SLEEP AND I PLACED MY PENIS IN THEIR EAR
davepoobond: you fuckin perv, yer not justin at all. shut the fuck up, i aint listenin to you anymore
davepoobond: yer pry one of his stupid friends though
davepoobond: or one of MY friends
JustinChi012: Like I said:I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS THEY WONT COME OVER BECAUSE ONE TIME ONE OF THEM WENT TO SLEEP AND I PLACED MY PENIS IN THEIR EAR
davepoobond: just like when i went over to your place justin?
davepoobond: we had a slumber party remember
davepoobond: you never placed yer penis in my ear
JustinChi012: No we didnt
JustinChi012: Juice Bar
davepoobond: ….
davepoobond: hmm that reminds me
davepoobond: what did colin always call you a long time ago
JustinChi012: I found chocolate bubble gum
JustinChi012: Juice boy Bob
davepoobond: you are so off
davepoobond: you sure got shit for memory for an ap student
JustinChi012: That’s because Im high right now
JustinChi012: Shoe Tree
davepoobond: …