I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, “Bill… you look better in person than you do on paper.”
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #18420
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”
Joke #18419
Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker.
Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.
“Laugh all you want,” Don told them, “At least my truck will still be there when I get home.”
Joke #18418
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family’s lack of holiday rituals.
“My family doesn’t have any traditions,” she complained. “We just do the same thing year after year after year.”
Joke #18417
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, “Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?” Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, “Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, “those lesson plans were covered in the grant.”
Joke #18416
I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at “Mallory Square” to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, “How often is that?”
Joke #18415
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)
Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”
Joke #18414
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. “My, what was that?” exclaimed the woman.
“Oh, that’s just the Presidential Seal,” replied the guide.
Joke #18413
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.
“Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?” said the guy who answered the phone.
“Sorry,” said my boss. “I was looking for Ahmed.”
“This is Ahmed,” came the reply. “How can I help you?”
“I thought you just said your name was Ed?” asked my boss.
“It is. But whenever I say ‘Ahmed,’ people think I’m saying, ‘I’m Ed.’ So I figured it’s just easier to be Ed.”
Joke #18412
Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”
Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”
Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”
Joke #18411
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.
“Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,” I observed casually. “A person has no idea what he’s getting until it’s too late.”
“I know,” he replied. “I’ve had three cantaloupes.”
Joke #18410
A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
“Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!” she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: “Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position.”
“I’m 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!”
Joke #18409
Everybody’s a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. “I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs,” I said to the guy who answered the phone, “but how do I find the studs?”
“Put an ad in the personals column.” he suggested.
Joke #18408
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, “I’d like to order breakfast for two.”
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, “Make that five.”
Joke #18407
In my job as an electronics salesman, I’ve seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.
One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD’s, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, “Does it get cable?”