All posts by davepoobond

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Jokes

Joke #18618

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Somewhat skeptical of his son’s new-found determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

Lists

The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

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15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend’s Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President’s Menu

4. White Meat Can’t Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

1. The Wing and I

Lists

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

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10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

Jokes

Joke #18615

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A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk side-ways and we walk straight.”

“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..

“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

The Squackle Quiz

The Pig Test

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You have only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.

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1. Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.

2.  Don’t look at the results before you have drawn the pig.

3.  DON’T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING THE PIG!

Okay, are you ready? Oink, let’s start. Scroll to the bottom for the results after you drew a pig.

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Pig Test Results

If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient and suspicious.

If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded, sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot of risks.

If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.

If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold on to your plans.

If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.

The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen to other people — the bigger the better…

And finally the pig’s tail should tell you something about your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the… what, forgot the tail? No, it’s absolutely impossible to do the test again.

Jokes

Joke #18610

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A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes.

He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers).  He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering.

Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.

Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes, (C) Sports Jokes

Joke #18609

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Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

Jokes, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18607

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A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18606

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A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Jokes

Joke #18605

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One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

“The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, “Okay, A minus.”

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18604

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Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”