Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren’t sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.

“Measure the bed frame before you leave,” I told him.

“I don’t have a tape measure.”

“You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested, “each one is six inches long.”

“Can’t,” he replied after digging through his wallet, “I only have a ten.”

Tags: bed, brother, mattress, money, mother, wallet

 Loading ...

Tags: chicago, conversation, dinner, sunglasses, telephone, wallet

With food prices and inflation sky high, I don’t know which is emptier — my wallet or my refrigerator.

Tags: food, inflation, money, refrigerator, wallet

American money is really inflated.  Yesterday I opened my wallet and watched helplessly as a twenty-dollar bill floated off into the sky.

Tags: America, inflation, money, wallet

What is confidence, you want to know?  Well…confidence is:

- Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.

- Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.

- Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.

- Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.

- Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.

- Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.

Tags: boxing, car, confidence, envelope, money, race, wallet

Did you hear about the simpleton who put iodine in his wallet because he had a cut in take-home pay?

Tags: iodine, money, wallet

The boss found a boy in the stock room just standing around doing nothing. “How much do you get paid a week?” he asked the boy.

The boy replied, “Twenty dollars.”

Taking a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, the boss gave it to the boy and said, “Here, take this. Now get out of here and don’t come back.”

As the boy walked out the door, the boss said to the manager, “How long has that lazy kid been working for us?”

“He doesn’t work for us,” replied the manager. “He just delivered a package.”

Tags: boss, kid, stock room, wallet, work

chantica – n. someone who doesn’t have their money in their wallet, its buried deep in their backpack and they take an hour to get it out of there.  One would wonder how it got there in the first place.  Another form of this person is if they have their money in their wallet, but their wallet is buried deep in their backpack and they take forever to find it.

Tags: chantica, money, noun, wallet

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin’s he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man “Can you do anything with these?”

The man says “No problem, come back in two weeks.”

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman “After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet!?!”

The man replies “Don’t worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase.”

Tags: box, foreskin, time, wallet

tooenilb – n. a wallet made out of poop

Tags: noun, poop, tooenilb, wallet

kiknitsforlump – v. to kick a donkey in the balls and steal his wallet.

Ex. I’m gonna go kiknitsforlump that donkey.

Tags: donkey, kiknitsforlump, verb, wallet

housernhim – adj. to have $71 in your wallet

Tags: adjective, housernhim, wallet

bisesi – n. a paper wallet

Tags: bisesi, noun, wallet