Joke #9299: Getting It Up In Years

At a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple. The young man said to the old man, “I have heard tell that when you get up in years, you can’t have sex anymore.”

The elderly couple said, “I don’t know where you heard that, but we have sex almost every night.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . .”

 

Church Bulletins

– Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.

– Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.

– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

– Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

– Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

– The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

– This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

– Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

– This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

– The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

– Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

– The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

– Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

– Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

– The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

– During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

– The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

– The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

– The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

– The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

– Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

– Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Joke #5199: Hell is Fun

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: No shit!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before…

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…

Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays…

 

Basic Overview of Life: 05/21/1998

This entry is part 2 of 3 in the series Basic Overview of Life

Dear Computer,

Today I went to the floating lab………It sucked.  When we got back at around 2:20 we had some time to kill, so we went to Mrs. Leach’s room and stayed there for awhile.  I was sitting at the table next to Alison and Jennifer (on right side) and Jesse left to me (I was at the far side of the room).  Anyway Alison asked if I liked Jennifer anymore than a friend.  And I didn’t even answer that question…I never liked Jennifer in the 1st place so I didn’t say anything (It wasn’t like they were waiting for me to answer…I guess they were giving me a hint or somethin’).  On Tuesday Paul sort of sprained his left wrist (or broke it) while trying to dunk on the court.  So I didn’t see him until today and he had a cast on.

Till Next Time,

Davepoobond