Squacklecast Episode 7 – “FUCK the Strawberry Festival!”

This entry is part 7 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we watched Chernobyl Diaries, a movie about a bunch of college kids going to Russia to dick around and take Instagrams of ruined buildings and put them in meaningless filters so that they can show off to their friends.  They also bring their crazy knife-wielding soccer coach along for the lulz.

Chernobyl Diaries has an old zombie lady masturbating in a closet in an attic of one of the buildings.  Gross!

Too much Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat in Chernobyl Diaries for my taste.  It’s almost like a boring wedding video.

This is the knife that the soccer coach had.

Cool Knife

Why does Will Smith like making sequels to movies 10 years after the fact?  It’s not like he was doing anything that important in the mean time between movies.  If he’s going to make a shitty movie, he might as well make it while it is still relevant.

Bad Boys (1995) -> Bad Boys II (2003) = 8 years

Men in Black II (2002) -> Men In Black III (2012) = 10 years

I, Robot (2004) -> I, Robot 2 (currently 2015) = ~11 years

Hologram Tupac takes the forefront in Men In Black III, don’t be fooled by the trailers.  They’re pulling a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us.

Ali 2 will be Will Smith walking around with Parkinson’s until he either cures it or dies from it, made in 2018.

Independence Day 2 or even 3?  Welcome to URF again in 10 years!

 

Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith shitting on their White House and blowing up alien landmarks.  How do you like that, mother fuckers!?  Aliens getting shit on all the time!

Kind of sounds like Avatar

Avatar 2 is gonna be at the bottom of the ocean.  Or something.  You heard it here first, Jeff Goldblum is in Avatar 2.

On the flip side of things, Prometheus looks like it’ll be a good movie.

AVP and AVP 2 are no bueno.

Mortal Kombat: Legacy was terrible.  You should watch it.  It was directed by that guy that did Fame.

Street Fighter and The Legend of Chun-Li had it right — only have a story about one character, not 35 million characters at the same time.  That’s about the only thing they did right, and the rest of it was so wrong it was right.

Paul W.S. Anderson is the poor man’s Michael Bay.  And obviously not as good looking.

Dead Or Alive is one of Paul W.S. Anderson’s travesties.  But at least that is better than any of Uwe Boll‘s movies.

The Island is a less classy version of Never Let Me Go.

George Lucas would probably go back into the Star Wars movies and remove Ewan MacGregor’s beauty marks just so that it is consistent through all of the movies.

Kind of something like this:

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

 

And most of all, FUCK THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL!

Did you hear they banned plastic bags in LA?  Fuck that shit!  How am I supposed to line my little trash cans?

Everything is going to be made from the blood of trees now.

The Middle East is just a big fucking desert, who cares what happens to the environment there.  No one freakin lives there anyway.  So let’s toss all of our unused plastic bags into it.

Gobi Plastic Desert

See you guys next week! :licky:

 

Joke #12849

A drunk stumbled out of a bar, bumped into a telephone pole, knocked into a trash can, and then fell flat on the sidewalk right in front of an uppity old spinster.

“Sir,” scolded the woman coldly, “if I were in your condition, I’d shoot myself.”

“Lady,” stammered the man, “if you were in my condition, you’d miss.”

 

Joke #12416

A man came home one night and found his house locked up tight.  He searched his pockets, but couldn’t find his house key.

After trying all the first-floor windows, he finally climbed up on a garbage can and in through a second-story window.  he turned on the lights and found a note from his wife on a table: “Dear, I have gone to the store.  you will find the key under the mat.”

 

Trash Can Betty

(Betty is on a street corner, “hiding” in a trash can)

Betty: I hope no one finds me in here

(Betty stays in the trash can the whole night)

Betty: well, I guess no one was looking for me

(audience laughs, because he has a banana peel on his head)

(the next morning, he is still in the trash can, sleeping. You can hear snoring inside the trash can)

(a garbage truck comes along, which sounds like his snoring in the trash can, so the Garbage Man doesn’t know Betty is in there, and he dumps him into the garbage truck. Betty falls in with a big thump, and the garbage truck’s hatch closes up)

(Betty wakes up)

Betty: where am I? Did the trash can get bigger? Or did I shrink?

(audience laughs because he’s so stupid)

(5 hours later, the garbage truck ends up at the dump, and he’s dumped in the middle of nowhere)

Betty: oh great. Now what?

(audience laughs)

Betty: where’s all that laughing coming from?

(Betty looks around and then shrugs)

(Betty sees a huge hill of garbage)

Betty: I wonder, what’s up there?

(Betty climbs up halfway – when a huge bulldozer appears out of nowhere, coming straight at Betty!)

(audience laughs as Betty runs for his life down the mountain of garbage)

(Betty trips and falls head first into a toilet, tipping it over, making it so that he is on top of the toilet, with his head in the bowl)

(Betty takes his head out of the toilet, looking over the bowl at the bulldozer coming straight at him. All of a sudden, a washing machine flies out of nowhere and blows up the bulldozer)

Betty: whoa! What was that?

(Betty looked at where the washing machine came from, and he got a horrified look on his face)

Betty: oh no! GARBAGE PEOPLE!

(10 scantily clad garbage people wearing trash can suits with sharpened TV antennas and trash can lids for shields came up to him)

Garbage person 1: who are you?

Betty: I’m Betty. I don’t know how I got here

Garbage person 3: It was the Gods! I swear it! They drive their trucks down here and throw away the people they don’t want! Just like Mr. Teddums here.

(Garbage person 3 pets a teddy bear that has its bottom half cut off)

Garbage person 7: we were once just like you. Alone, and afraid in the truck, and being chased down by those mechanical brooms!

Betty: riiighht….

(audience laughs)

Garbage person 10: are you laughing at us!?

Betty: me? Of course not…I’m gonna go home now, bye.

Garbage people: bye

(audience laughs)

(end)