aretcab – n. a bisexual love story about 3 people falling in love with each other
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As told by Ms. Signs.
Once upon a time, in the land of fairy tales, there lived an ant and a grasshopper. The ant knew how to separate work time from free time. At the beginning of each day, this ant would get up early and collect food to store for the winter. He had a lot of food saved up by the end of the summer. The grasshopper was a different story, he was very lazy. He kept saying he would do the work tomorrow. The ant warned the grasshopper that unless he sacrificed some free time to work, he might find himself dying of starvation when winter came. The grasshopper didn’t pay attention. He kept sleeping late, playing Nintendo games, and not working at all. Suddenly, winter came. The ant was successful in storing his food he went into his ant pile to rest, the grasshopper was cold and hungry. He hadn’t built a house, or stored any food. If this story were a true fairy tale, the grasshopper would have died, because he was unprepared. However, this ending reflects the true nature of ants and grasshoppers. In this story, the grasshopper decides to eat the ant, and take all his food.
One day, a leaf named Leafy Bob fell from a tree, falling on a muffin. Suddenly, the muffin…DISAPPEARED!!
The guy who was eating the muffin got mighty mad at the leaf for eating his muffin. So, he ate the leaf. But, what the guy didn’t know, was that Leafy Bob was a magician!! Next thing the guy knew, Leafy Bob took over his body.
Leafy Bob led the body over to the local supermarket. (We can’t say the name of the company because then they’ll want royalties on the money this story will make. For the purpose of this story, it’ll just be called Shplar)
Leafy Bob entered Shplar, screaming in a rageful manner, “Where’s YOUR MUFFINS!?”
Then, the store manager, looking over to the guy, said “Oh, Mr. Wellington, you own this store, you get muffins everyday. Oh well, they’re right here.” The store manager leads him to “The AISLE OF MUFFINS…” (echo).
“Muffins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob ran down the aisle, like a vacuum sucking up all the muffins.
“What THE FUCK!!” the store manager yelled. The store manager never seen anyone do that, before.
A man was sitting down in The Muffin Eating Room. Leafy Bob ran in and stole it (the muffin that is). The man cried, “oh! you stole my pecan blueberry peach and rhubarb muffin! I spent like two fifty on that!” The man falls down in a fetal position and cries.
Leafy Bob then says, while eating the muffin, “Don’t cry, its a crappy muffin anyway”
Leafy Bob laughed like a maniac, and ran out the window. “Mr. Wellington is less crazy than usual, today…” whispered the store manager to a lady cashier. “Oh, yes. I doubt anyone will care if we had hot sex in a mashed potato bath and then put the mashed potatos back in the cans in the canned mashed potato aisle” whispered the lady cashier to the store manager.
“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuufins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob crawled along the ground, looking for muffins. he climbed all the way up a small hill, and looking down he could see a one-of-a-kind sex park, with naked people chasing each other, and porking each other. It was an STD garden, one might say. But being a leaf as he was, Leafy Bob din’t know what the hell was happening. “Umm…muffins?” He looked at all the people, and when he looked to the left, there were two people on top of each other, rolling toward him. They were going to kill him!! Being a leaf as he was, he jumped off the hill, but being a human right now, he just fell on a giant boulder, cracking all his ribs on the left side into 15 pieces each.
“NYAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed out in pain. Almost unconcious, he rolled down the rest of the hill, after hitting the boulder, ending up in the STD infested sand pit. And wouldn’t you know? 3 people jumped on top of him, getting it on.
Leafy Bob opened his eyes, seeing the people on top of him. He had to kill them now, for trying to kill him…if they didn’t give him muffins.
“Muffins?” Leafy Bob said, with a high voice, because they were on top of him.
“Oh yeah, I got a muffin right here baby…” one of them said with a stupid sounding oice, as they started French kissing Leafy Bob, one in the mouth, and the other two in the ears.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed like a silly little girl. He wanted out.
Fortunately, when he screamed, the three people that were on top of him’s ear drums shattered and their brains started gushing out, instantly draining their bodies of all their blood, and brains, killing them.
Leafy Bob got up and ran away. There were no muffins here.
Leafy Bob was in pain, lots of it. He had enough pain to fill buckets and sell them! Which he was, for muffins. There was a big sign that said: “Buckets of Pain, only one muffin.” Unfortunately for Leafy Bob, people didn’t use muffins as currency, so Leafy Bob went to a friendly neighborhood on a street called Muffin Road. There must be muffins there since it was named Muffin Road.
Well, he found muffins. He ate them.
Once upon a time there was a shoe salesman named Jenkins. He had a terrible life. He was gay, an alcoholic, weighed 450 pounds, and he hadn’t sold a pair of shoes since 1978. Then one day the tooth fairy came to him. He said “what the hell are you doing here, you’re the tooth fairy, get away”. The tooth fairy said “No. You are pretty weird. I’m here to help you and you won’t except my help. What kind of position are you in to shoo me away huh fatty?” Then Jenkins said fine, What should I do. So the tooth fairy extracted all of his teeth, made his hair pink, made him work out until he weighed 98 pounds, and put him in a permanent tutu. His life got even worse. So he shot the tooth fairy with a shot gun and he exploded. Jenkins is living in a mental institution as of now and the tooth fairy has not been seen since. The moral of the story is, don’t trust the tooth fairy or your life will suck forever.
Most of this was taken from a Johnny Bravo episode, cause I was stupid in 6th grade and thought it was so funny that I should recreate it in word form, in a less funny fashion…yeah…but the other half I made up…Remember, I made this in 1998, when I was in 6th grade…
One day a shark was hungry, so he went on the beach and asked a mouthful…I mean a lot of people if they wanted to go swimming so he can eat them. But they said, “No way man!! You’re a shark!!” The shark thought, “Hmmmm, I gotta try a new approach.” So he put on a Richard Nixon mask that was big enough to cover someone’s face, but only covered the tip of his nose Then he went to another guy that just got slapped by his girlfriend. Let’s make that X-girlfriend.
The shark said,” Hey!!! Wanna go swimmin’?” Then the guy said,” Hey aren’t you a shark?” The shark said,” Um… no!! I’m Richard Nixon!!!” The guy said, “There are a bunch of teeny weeny bikini girls out there!! Why would I want to go swimming.” Then the shark said, “Well……” Then the guy said, “NO!!!” After that the shark went home disappointed. The foundation of his house was cracked. When he lounged on the floor it cracked some more and made a loud resounding noise through the house. Then he heard all the trout moving downstream in the river next door to his house. The surrounding noise that was resounding his house went over and over and over. The next morning the shark died of boredom and hunger. His house also fell on top of him.
The story you have just read is true. The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
This is a story I read a long time ago, and it is mad stupid. I don’t remember the details, but they really aren’t important….trust me. This is my retelling of that old story.
Hannah is this stupid girl that is sitting in her class one day. She always wanted to clap the erasers when they were dirty, but the teacher never called on her to do it, always someone else in class, especially the same person over and over. One day, the teacher taught them a new grammar thingy called a “palindrome.” The teacher pointed out Hannah and said, “Hannah is a palindrome, but I won’t tell you what a palindrome is until after recess, because I’m a bitch. So figure it out.”
Hannah didn’t like the fact the teacher pointed her out, and out on the playground, all the kids teased her, chanting, “Hannah is a palindrome, Hannah is a palindrome.” Hannah didn’t know what to say, because she didn’t know what a palindrome was. She got mad at the teacher for calling her a palindrome. How could she do such a thing? She never even let Hannah clap the chalkboard erasers, for crying out loud! WHAT A STUPID BITCH! SHE SHOULD BE SHOT! GOD DAMMIT!
After recess, all the way back to the room, the kids teased her, still chanting. When they got back in the room, the teacher explained what a palindrome was. It was a word that could be spelled backwards the same way forwards. The teacher told the kids they shouldn’t have teased Hannah for having a name that could be spelled backwards the same as forwards. Now the kids all felt like dumbasses. Then the teacher showed it to them on the board, doing it regularly, and backwards, erased it, then asked Hannah to clap the erasers by the window. Hannah did, and she enjoyed it.
good job, Hannah, I hope you enjoyed clapping those erasers and smelled that chalk dust. I hope you had fun, too, ya loser!
“Raughauhreauwah!” roared Godzilla.
“We have to stop him now!” said Bob the General guy as he smacked his fist into his hand.
“Hey!” said Bill the scientist, “I need to study it further. His single eyelash could hold the cure for cancer!”
“You stupid scientist, reptiles don’t have eyelashes!”
“How do you know?”
“Hack…..tooey!” spat the general as he spat in Bill’s face and pushed him out of the car.
“Now for my real mission,” growled Bob, “To build a flux capacitor to transform my Delorian into a time machine.”
Bob knew just what to do with a time machine.
“Hmm, yes,” said Bob, “You just wait…”
It took Bob three years and 237 viewings of “Back to the Future,” but he built his time machine. Meanwhile Godzilla had been destroyed by Bill. Bill then had quintuplets with Martha Stewart and now lived in a lovely six bedroom house in Sweden with a big backyard…but that’s another story.
Bob went forward in time to 2047 to visit John Connor, who never existed when Bob got there, but really did…I’ll get into that later.
“Hi,” said Bob
“Who are you?” said John
“Hey that’s a nice Terminator.”
“Yes. I reprogrammed it to protect me when I was a child.”
“Hey that’s great. I bet you can’t make it get in my car.”
“Like hell I can’t!”
Bob went back to 2002 with his Terminator, but the Terminator ran away looking for John Connor, whom had been killed only years earlier.
“Crap!” shouted Bob, “I sure suck at being a general! I don’t even have an army!”
Just then an artillery shell blew up next to him. He was blown into a bunch of pieces that all landed in trees.
Bill died 20 years later of an infection in his toenail.
The crappy end
Oh no! Godzilla is on a rampage in downtown Ida, Michigan! There is no way to stop him! “Well, actually,” said the really smart scientist guy, “there is a way to stop him.” “Really? Hmmm…no, I don’t believe it,” said the big mean general guy, “I say you are a dumb scientist who doesn’t know anything. I think we should blow him out into orbit with my new nukes I got!”
“NO!! You’ll KILL US ALL!!”
“Shut up, you crazy scientist whose plans never involve using my new nukes I got two weeks ago,” said the general. Then he put two fingers in the scientists face and said, “Two!…..do you see? Thats two weeks! Thats a lot of days! Do you realize that I could have had breakfast fourteen times in that span of time?? ….Actually, I did…that just shows you how long that is!”
“Alright, alright,” said the scientist, “you can use your nukes but as soon as they don’t work, I get to do my plan.”
“Yeah, we’ll see….”
They both jump into the general’s suped up “Hummer” and peel out of the trailer park. Suddenly the general stops the car. “That’s far enough, scientist boy. I didn’t buy this hummer so I could chouffer dumb scientists around. I’ll come back if my plan fails. …maybe,” said the general as he pushed the scientist out of the car.
The general (whose name was Bob) sped down Main Street really fast. He was probably going really fast, but he didn’t know for sure because his speedometer was broken. He knew he had to kill Godzilla before Godzilla destoryed the world…or at least downtown Ida. Bob smiled to himself. He didn’t really have any nuclear weapons. He was suprised he fooled the scientist (whose name was Albert).
“I thought scientists were supposed to be smart!” said Bob, “Or at least the smart ones should be…” This puzzled Bob. Why had the scientist smiled? Did he smile? Maybe the scientist had just pretended to smile, just to fool Bob. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” said Bob, as he pulled over next to Godzilla.
Meanwhile, back at the trailer park…
It sure was a long walk to Godzilla, but Albert knew a shortcut….no, he actually didn’t, he just likes to have a positive attitude. He had walked one mile already, and he was only halfway there. he could be there in half an hour, if he walked slow.
Half an hour was exactly how long Bob needed to fill his car’s gas tank with nitro glycerin. He would then offer Godzilla his car, and as soon as Godzilla turned the key…BOOM!! …Or he would just make Godzilla step on the car. The general smiled at himself and thought, “What am I smiling about? Maybe I’m just a happy person.” Just then the general finished filling his car with nitro glycerin. Now all he had to do was make Godzilla step on it.
Just then Albert came over. “I guess I made it just in time, right Bob?” said Albert. “Don’t call me Bob,” said Bob.
“We have to stop Godzilla before he destroys the world!”
“I know that! Now get on top of my car and use this megaphone to talk to Godzilla.”
“Talk?? But…what? What should I say?”
“Talk scientist babble.”
“Umm…okay…ahem,” said Albert into the megaphone.
Godzilla looked over at them.
“Yes, well…,” said Albert, “Um….did you know that the gravitational pull-”
Albert was cut off by the giant explosion that occured when Godzilla jumped on top of the scientist and blew up the car. Bob was kind of smart. He knew that any giant monster hates scientists that want to kill them. They especially hate it when the scientists talk.
Bob, Albert, and Godzilla were all killed in the blast. (or at least Godzilla was, the other two were probably killed when Godzilla jumped on them)
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”
“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”
stury – n. a story that turns out to be not a story
baughtent – n. a very descriptive story about an egg