Squacklecast Episode 16 – “The 1.5 Year Hiatus”

This entry is part 16 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

Welcome to what could be said is “Season 2” of the Squacklecast!

The main things to link here are:

 

We talked about lots of other stuff, like:

The Coachella line up.

Facebook buying Oculus

The Avengers, X-Men, and Spider-Man movies, as well as the DC comic book properties.

There’s toooo many Whedon’s on my lawn!

See ya guys next year!

 

Pie-der Man

The way I made this, is so that the main character can easily be “known” where he would be during the times in the actual Spiderman movie, and sometimes is actually around where Peter Parker is…yeah..


(the camera swoops in on Nickelback and the guy from Saliva on top of a building singing)Saliva guy: somebody told meeeee

Both: that a heroooo can save us! I’m not standin’ here a-waittttinnnggg and…

(they keep singing)

(a sniper team runs through a door to the roof Nickelback is on, and they shoot everyone in the head)

Commander: god damn I hate that song.

(scene switches to Liter Carker)

(Liter is an annoying little shit with huge ass glasses and a Batman shirt)

Liter: oh man…almost got it….

(Liter is by his window looking at Mary Jane in her house, beating his shit. Liter lives on the other side of Peter Parker)

Liter: oh yeah there it is.

(Liter throws his sock into the hamper and zips up his pants. His brother comes in)

Meter: Hey, Liter. I lost a sock, mind if I use yours? Thanks pal.

(Meter picks up the sock Liter just used and goes back to his room)

Liter: oh shit. I better get to school before Meter puts his foot into my jizz.

(Liter puts his backpack on and runs out the door, before his aunt and uncle say anything to him. Liter closes the door with a slam. Uncle Bone Saw McGraw looks at Aunt Chyna)

Randy: what was his hurry?

Chyna: I honestly don’t have a clue

Meter (from upstairs): what the FUCK!

(scene switches to Liter getting on the bus, going all the way to the back)

Liter: phew…

(the bus goes, and after a while, Peter Parker runs after the bus)

Liter: haha, that stupid ass

(the bus driver, being the asshole he is, doesn’t stop for Peter)

Mary Jane: Stop! He’s been chasing after us since that street behind us!

Bus driver: alright fine

(the bus stops, and Peter gets on)

Peter: than….k…you….

Liter (whispering): what a fag

(at school)

Teacher: ok, assholes, get on the bus, lets go to that stupid science place thing with the genetically altered spiders and other scientific junk

Student: why are we going, again?

Teacher: shut yo mouth

(Tanya, a fairly ugly girl with herpes, walks over to Liter)

Tanya: hi Liter

Liter: hi Tanya

Tanya: excited about the field trip?

Liter: sure…

(behind Liter, you can see Peter Parker going around taking pictures and being annoying)

Teacher: on the bus, assholes!

Tanya: comon, let’s go!

(Tanya tugs on Liter, but unfortunately for Liter there were 2 buses going on field trips that day. The one he was supposed to get on and the kindergarten one going to the Genetically Altered Pie Factory. Before Liter can notice this, he was shoved on board with Tanya. The bus driver drives away thinking they were the teachers.)

Liter: uhh….I think this is the wrong bus

Tanya: crap, children. I’m allergic to those.

Bus driver: hey, are you guys the teachers? You look dorky and ugly enough

Liter: shut the hell up. No we’re not

Bus driver: too bad! You are now! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(an hour later, the Bus driver is still laughing)

Liter: Shut up! You stupid old asshole!

Bus driver: oh-ho! Just see if I’ll come and pick you guys up!

Liter: you can’t leave us here with 30 kindergarteners!

Bus driver: watch me. Muhh! Muhhhh! Muhahahahaha! We’re here, get off.

(everyone gets off, and Tanya has a few kindergarteners hanging off her)

Tanya: help me, Liter!

Liter: die, stupid bitch

(Tanya didn’t hear that because a kindergartener screamed in her ear)

Tanya: oh man, I need some Asprin…

Liter: well, we might as well go to the pie factory

(the bus drives off just as the last kid gets his leg off)

(a clown jumps out of nowhere)

Clown: howdy howdy howdy! I’m a clown, and I’ll be your tour guide today!

Liter: where’d you come from!?

Clown: blah blah blah lets go

(everyone goes into the pie factory)

Clown: this is the entrance, and Pies of Fame Corridor. Who cares about that though! Let’s go into the radioactive bakery!

(everyone piles into a dimly lit room, with a big turbine spinning around)

Clown: look what I found! A genetically altered and potentially dangerous pieee!

(Clown slams it in Liter’s face)

Clown: bwahahahahaha!

(scenes of DNA being replaced with multicolored things is shown)

Liter: you stupid fuck! You got pie in my pocket protector! You-die-NOW!

(Liter slams his hands together)

Liter: these hands of mine are burning red! It tells me to destroy you! Shiniiingggg Fingeeerrrrr!

(Liter leans back and then slams his hand into Clown’s face, holding onto it)

Clown: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

(nothing happens after a while. Just a really long squeaking from the clown’s nose)

Liter: hey! Why didn’t you blow up? It always worked on G Gundam…

Clown: ha! Loser! Don’t you know its just a TV show?

Liter: no! it’s a lie! You lie! Its REAL!

Clown: bwahahahaha!

(Liter falls on the ground in a fetal position. The kindergarteners all take out shotguns and start shooting shit up)

Leader Kindergartner: take the fort, men! Don’t leave any survivors!

(but that’s a different story)

(later on in the day, the bus full of the kindergarteners drives by school, at 50 mph, tossing Tanya and Liter out)

Liter (rolling on the ground): ah shit

Tanya (getting up): what the hell happened?

Liter: nothing. I’m going home

Tanya: can I go, too?

Liter: ….to YOUR house, sure

(Liter runs away)

(at home)

Bone Saw McGraw: yo bitch

Chyna: yes, my lovely husband?

Bone Saw McGraw: where be our nephew?

(Liter comes in the door)

Liter: hi parents. I don’t feel too good, I’m going to bed

Chyna: that’s good

Bone Saw McGraw: hey there nephew, how about you come over here, and sit on ol’ daddy’s lap? I need to talk to ye!

Liter: um no its ok, I’m going to bed

(Liter goes to bed)

(next day)

(Liter gets up and looks at himself in the mirror)

Liter: yeah that’s it baby, give me some more

(Liter poses in the mirror. Nothing changed about him from the day before)

Liter: time to jack off

(Liter drops his pants and sits on his chair by the window)

Liter: Mary Jaaaane…where arrreee youuuu? I’ve got a nice, big Klingon cock for you to use your lasers on….

(Mary Jane doesn’t come to her window like she usually does)

Liter: dammit.

(Liter pulls up his pants)

Liter: now I’m going to be in a bad mood today…

(Liter goes downstairs)

Bone Saw McGraw: hey kiddo! I’m gonna be late coming home from work today. They’ve got me doin’ one of those things where people stay in the ring for 3 minutes with my raging fists of anger from atop the heavens ooooh yeah brother, you’d better believe it!

Chyna: I do!

Bone Saw McGraw: shut your bitch trap!

Liter: I don’t care.

(Bone Saw McGraw is hurt very much by this comment)

Bone Saw McGraw: go on to school now…

(Bone Saw McGraw sighs and looks down on the ground)

(Liter leaves)

Chyna: I’m sure he didn’t mean it

Bone Saw McGraw: I SAID SHUT YOUR BITCH TRAP, WOMAN!

(Bone Saw McGraw picks up a steel chair and slams it into Chyna’s side)

Chyna: oh I love it when you beat me down!

Randy: yaaaaarghhh!!

(at school. Its lunch)

Liter: man, I feel like eating a pie for some reason

(Liter picks up a Hostess apple fruit pie and buy sit)

(Liter is about to pen it when Tanya knocks into Liter over and over as she talks)

Tanya: hey Liter! Hey Liter hey Liter!

Liter: stop pushing me!

(Tanya backs off and jumps up and down)

Tanya: Peter Parker and that jackass that I wanna give an STD are fighting!

Liter: oh shit, I gotta see this. Peter is going to get whipped creamed!

(Liter runs into the hall where a crowd has gathered, and as soon as he got with the crowd, Peter punches the jackass and the jackass slides away on the floor)

Liter: what the hell? That makes no sense…

(Mary Jane yells something at Peter then goes away)

(later on, at home)

Chyna: emergency, emergency! Randy-I mean Bone Saw has been beaten at the wrestling tournament

Liter: oh no!

Chyna: some guy named Spider Man beat him down! We need to go to the hospital

(the scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw on a hospital bed, going through doors)

Doctor: common! The baby is going to come any minute!

Bone Saw McGraw: I ain’t havin’ baby, mister! You stop this bed before I clash my raging fists into your face, ooooh yeah brother!

Doctor: get the tranqs…this man is clearly delirious of his state. He is pregnant.

(Bone Saw McGraw wakes up)

Bone Saw McGraw: nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

(Chyna and Liter are in the room)

Liter: Randy, what happened

Randy: I hed a nightmare! They was takin’ me to the operating room cause they said I had a baby in my stomach, but I was tellin’ them otherwise but then tranquilized me!

Chyna: uhhh….hunh….

Randy: ooooh, I’m gonna kil that Spider Man for puttin’ me here!

(Randy pounds his fist into his hand, and then grabs his shoulder, cause it hurts)

Bone Saw McGraw: oh well, let’s see what’s on the tube

TV: Today, a man died because he was shot. His name was Uncle Ben or something. And no, he didn’t make the food company, because the guy that died is white, like everyone else in New York, in this movie. In other news, Bone Saw McGraw aka Randy Savage was beaten by a scrawny little kid who could take a mean jump to the top of the cage, in the cage match. And I’m pissed off cause I bet on that match.

(it shows some footage from the fight)

TV: look at Randy fall, what an idiot-

Bone Saw McGraw: enough of this crap!

(Bone Saw McGraw turns it off)

Bone Saw McGraw: promise me, Liter, that one day that you, my adopted son, will be above the heavens and kill Spider Man. Me and your mom will teach you the ways of the wrestler – the unsafe way

Liter: don’t I get a say in this?

Bone Saw McGraw: no.

(the camera pans to the left, and a guy in a suit is there)

Guy: and so Liter trained and trained, and soon learned how to kick ass, fake and for real.

(a shot of Liter bodyslamming Randy onto the mat)

Liter (flexing): yeah!

(Bone Saw, a little disoriented, gives a thumbs up as the scene cross fades to Liter sitting at a desk)

Guy: Liter kept up with his studies, too, just in case he ever had to be in a spelling bee with Spider-Man

(the TV, showing scenes of Spider Man saving everyone at the parade from the Green Goblin)

Liter: that damn Spider Man!

(Liter throws some popcorn at the TV as it cross fades again)

Guy: Liter was also on WWE Tough Enough, but lost to a girl with big breasts

(a part of the episode displays)

(Liter is giving a “confession”)

Liter: seriously, do they think they can really win? I have muscles the size of their mom’s asses combined and-

(it cuts a girl, Ashley)

Ashley: boy, does Liter SMELL! We’re living in this big mansion and it smells like a dump! What kind of a mansion is like that? God, I need to get drunk

(cuts back to Liter)

Liter: ok, I admit I have some….”problems,” but so is the life of a wrestler! We shave our pits! Uncle Bone Saw said so himself…

(cuts to George)

George: what a bastard, every time we’re in the ring, having a friendly spar, he always grabs me and throws me out of the ring. I bet he thinks he can’t win fairly, so he’s going to try to injure us all! But I’m no baby, and he ain’t my mom throwing me from the crib!

(cuts to George and Ashley making out at a bar, both drunk)

Liter: that bastard George, I wanted to get some of that ass, but I’m still a virgin….did I just say that?

(cross fades to Liter at home lifting weights)

(Bone Saw bursts through the door)

Bone Saw McGraw: the Green Goblin died! Dammit! Time for a new super villain. Getchyo ass upstairs and start destroying stuff! OOOOH yeah, brother!

(scene cuts to Liter grabbing an old lady and punching her in the arm)

Old Lady: ow! Ow! Help me!

Liter: yes, old lady, scream for help! Call for Spider Man!

(Old Lady takes out a bottle from her purse)

Old Lady: how about I call MaceMan?

Liter: eh?

(Old Lady sprays mace into Liter’s eyes)

Liter (falling to the ground): IT BURNS!!

Old Lady: ahahahah! Die SUCKA!

(Old Lady keeps spraying Liter until its empty, then she takes out the Amazing Sharper Image Fold-up-into-your-purse-able pogo stick and jumps off)

(Liter is on the ground shaking)

(scene cuts to Liter on a chair)

Bone Saw McGraw: an old lady. Beat you….my son?

Liter: she had very potent mace Uncle Randy. It was MaceMan mace!

Bone Saw McGraw: there is no sucha thing! She was making fun of you, because you trying to make her call Spider Man! Can’t-you-make-that CONNECTION?

Liter: ………………………………………………………………………………………………..no……………..

Bone Saw McGraw: go to your room until the burning wears off!

Liter: but I have 15 coats of mace on! She sprayed a hairspray bottle full of that shit on me! I even have a shine to my skin!

Bone Saw McGraw: Don’t make me punish you more, that IS your punishment oooh yeah brother!

Guy: so Liter stayed there for 3 full days building uphis rage

Liter: that damn Spider Man made me get sprayed by mace and made me stay in here. OOOOOH I HATE HIM!

(scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw throwing Liter out of the house)

Bone Saw McGraw: and don’t come back until you kill Spider Man! Or until its dinner-time!

(Bone Saw McGraw slams the door)

Liter: the world will crumble when Liter Carker unleashes his terror onto the streets)

(what happened to Meter Carker after all this time, you may ask?)

(Meter Carker is in Vegas playing CRAPS)

Meter: comonnn….aww man!

Dealer: you lost, and you have no money anymore

Meter: fine, if I lose, I’ll give a BJ to someone for each $100 they put down for me

(Michael Jackson puts down $10,000 for Meter)

Michael: make him lose, deala

Meter: ……….shit…

(anyway. That could be a different story, tell me if you want it to be)

(anyway)

Liter: hmm…how to drive out Spider Man…

(Mary Jane walks across the street)

Liter: whoah, is that Mary Jane?

Mary Jane: uhh….

(Mary Jane looks over to Liter)

Mary Jane: who are you again?

Liter: Liter Carker!

Mary Jane: Liter Carker? You’ve….gotten….

Liter: stronger? Sexier?

Mary Jane: smellier….I thought Ashley was over exaggerating, but you reek.

Liter: ………..yeah…..well…..

Mary Jane: bye….

(Meanwhile, atop a building, Spider Ma is watching the scene)

Spider Man: hmm! Who the hell is that? He’s crampin in on my territory!

(Spider Man swings down and kicks Liter in the chest, and Liter flies into a tree)

Liter: what da FUCK!

Spider Man: you stupid FUCK! Mary Jane is mine!

Liter: your MOMS mine!

Spider Man: my mom’s dead

Liter: oh….

(Spider Man wraps Liter in web fluid)

Spider Man: hahahah! Sucka!

(Spider Man flies off)

Liter: I’ll get you Spider Man!

(Liter struggles around and the fruit pie he bought 5 years ago drops out of his pocket. Liter bursts out of the webbing and picks up the pie)

Liter: hmm…might as well eat it

(camera swoops into Liter’s mouth as he eats the pie. When he does, he “powers up.” His muscles get bigger and he squeezes the pie, and it smooshes)

Liter: whoaaa! I got stronger! Now I can kick Spider Man’s ass

(Liter picks up a lamp post out of the ground and flies into the air. He eventually catches up to Spider Man)

Spider Man: what the hell? How can you fly? And where did you get that lamp post from?

Liter: what? Do you want one? Here!

(Liter slams it into Spider Man’s face and he drops onto the street, getting hit by a few cars)

(Liter lands next to Spider Man’s mangled body)

Liter: ah haha!

(Liter raises his hands up, as he laughs, and 2 pies appear in his hands)

Liter: what the hell?

(Liter looks at the pies in his hand and tosses it at SpiderMan)

(a huge explosion. Liter flies into the air crashing into a building)

Liter: hey hey! How about that?

(a spinning newspaper goes up to the camera out of nothing, and headlines read: “Spider Man dead, Pie-der Man born!” another headline says “Spider Man pieces scavenger hunt! Lots of fun!”)

Liter: bwahahahaha! Now I’m the stupid guy that saves the city! Shower me with gifts!

(Liter is sitting on a throne, and a line of people with wrapped packages go by one by one dropping off the present)

(while Liter is enjoying his “royal status” an evil presence was looming by, atop a building)

(Michael Jackson and Meter Carker, with one hand around each other’s waists, looking over the city)

MJ: all this will be ours, Meter

Meter: yes.

(both laughing): bwahhahaahah!

(end)

(believe it or not this is my lead off for a sequel. You DO want a sequel don’t you? And what happened to Tanya? Find out next time, in Pie-der Man 2: Hide Your Kids, MJ is here!)