“Oh boy oh boy!” Percy was excited. Today he would be deemed Burger Castle’s Mascot of the month! He glued a wood block to each bare foot and clomped out the door. Since he was payed less than minimum wage, he couldn’t afford shoes. Or a house for that matter. He just lived by a trash can in an alley way near a place called Elm Street.
It wasn’t the award he was excited about. He’s seen it before. You can’t pawn it off for more than 20 cents. But the big thing was the 300% raise you get when you become mascot of the month. That was an increase of 5 dollars! Almost 5 anyway…but that’s not the point. With that kind of money, he could rent some space in a sewer out, without a bathroom.
But that’s besides the point. He knew he had been doing a good job. He did have a Masters Degree in being a mascot. All those ballet classes take a lot out of you…
He hid behind a parked car waiting to find a car he could ride on to Burger Castle. It was pretty hard since it was New York, and pretty much everyone that saw him on their car, punched him off and drove off.
Just then, a blue Cadillac appeared and Percy jumped on top of it. He almost slipped off but grabbed onto the bumper. Luckily the trunk was open, so he got in.
When he saw he was near Burger Castle through the keyhole, he jumped out of the car. Luckily, they weren’t on the freeway, like a few times before.
He clomped down Castle Street toward Burger Castle. When he got there, a baseball hit him in the head. That wasn’t enough to knock down the month’s best mascot! But 253 other baseballs shot at the same time, was. It was a trap! I knew it all the time, of course.
Percy went into a dream…and it was something like this:
“All ABOARD!” said the post office man as he got onto a giant giraffe. “oh no! I’m gonna miss my plane!” said Percy. Percy had a very important meeting with the Scottish Windbag Company about the next shipment of kazoos.
Kazoos were vital to people with the rare disease, “Iwantakazoonowium.” Kazoos were made in China then sent to Denmark for testing and then sent to Scotland. Really nice kazoos came from Japan. Those were sparkly.
Percy hopped onto the girraffe after giving the post man a paper towel, which was the ticket, that had: I am a very important antelope” written on it.
After a couple minutes, the giraffe lifted off the ground and flew into the sky. They kept climbing until they got to Scotland. In this world, Scotland was 500 miles off the ground, floating in the air.
The highest country in the world is Jamaica, since everyone smokes pot there, but that’s besides the point…
When he got off the giraffe, he saluted to the post office man and called for a taxi. Taxies in Scotland are actually anteaters, they clean the streets. Percy hopped on one of them and trudged down to the Scotland Windbag Company’s main building.
They made all type of things at the Scotland Windbag Company, but their most popular products were Whuppi Cushions, kazoos, and Wind Chimes that burp.
When he got off the anteater, he ran down to the building and rang the doorbell. “Who is it!??” the intercom said. “Its me! Percy, from the United Iwantakazoonowium getter-ridders!” The intercom replied, “Oi! We’ve been expectin’ ya, laddy, come right een!” The door opened, but instead of walking into a floor, he slid down on a big slide into a dungeon!
It was a trap! But I knew it all along, of course, of course. “NOOOOOOO” Percy yelled. Percy yelled and yelled and yelled until his lungs blew up! Not because of the fact that he was in a dungeon, but because of the fact theres a big fat guy in leather and a mask on his head, with a whip, walking around a guy that was tied up with nothing but one leather strap! All of a sudden he felt a slap across his face, and he woke up from his terrible nightmare.
You may think Percy was all good now, but you shoulda seen the first person he saw when he looked up! It was Joan Rivers! THAT HORRIBLE BITCH! That did it for Percy, he got knocked out again…
(see what happens in Sniper Problems…)
Filled with uncertainties,
An unknown space that never ends
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8 ) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?”
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”
sheffield – v. to make a pizza in space
mayrella – n. a space shuttle launched from inside a volcano
jadfa – adj. misplaced in space
Ex. My beer is probably jadfa.
hivon – n. a spaceship made out of food
hirikof – v. to do something in which causes a rift in the space-time continum where one is flung into a dimension where chickens rule and frolick, as well as……..POO!
Ex. 1: I kill in a hirikof manner.
2: Beware of the hirikof impending doom.
heven – v. to fight an intergalactic war with waffles, sausages, and other breakfast meats
haynie – n. a comet that ends up crashing on you
haloop – n. a hula hoop in space
haivon – n. an evil space emperor that wishes to take over Earth