Little Red Riding Tax Collector

Once there was a man who wore this red sweat shirt and red pants. He looked really stupid but infact was not. He only had the Ebola Virus. He use to ride upside down on his horse named red. His sattle was on the horses stomache and so he’d bonk his head on the ground everytime the horse stretched his legs.

One day he had to go collect taxes from George W Bush and his boss said: “Take this suit case with you and make sure you deliver it to his hands IMMEDIATLY!” The boss then slapped him on the ass and the tax collector left with the suit case. He got on his horse and he was off, bonking his head along the way. But, behold, a Portuguese Samurai with Bipolar diease heard what the boss said and he grinned evily. He was going to steal that nice suit case and sell it on the French black market.

So the Samurai jumped on his very own skunk and rode off towards the direction the tax collector went. But the samurai knew a shortcut through the Marijuana fields. He quickly made a lemonade stand, only not making lemonade, but making Spam on Ham sandwich stand. Now this grabbed the tax collectors attention. The tax collector fell off his horse and walked over.

The samurai said: “Look at That thing behind you!” Of course there was nothing there but the tax collector turned around and looked. The samurai then ran down to Bushs house and rang the door bell. Bush peaked out and the samurai bonked him on the head with beef jerky. Bush suddenly got hit with like 1000 calories and passed out. The samurai then dragged his body under the bed and took all his clothes.

Meanwhile the tax collector is still staring behind him trying to find what the samurai was pointing (what an idiot) and then decided to just go collect taxes because he was standing there for 3 hours straight. He got on his horse and bonked his head all along the way to Bush’s house.

He knocked on the door and the samurai (dressed as bush) opened the door. The tax collector handed him the brief case and asked for the Tic Tacs that he had to pay for his taxes. “Bush” gave him a whole box of tic tacs and the collector almost had a heart attack.

He had never seen a WHOLE bottle of TIC TACS! The tax collector went back home. The samurai opened the brief case and it was a coversational tape that helps you learn German and a bottle of spanish olives. The samurai ate the olives and later died of constipation. George W Bush late woke up but couldn’t find his way out from under the bed even though it wasn’t even a Queen size and died of starvation.

The End

 

Who Wants a Grilled Cheese Sandwich?

I went into the cheapest restaurant in town, El Cheapo’s Cheapo Cuisine because I was hungry. The air was stuffy, and had a combination of various smells which seemed to combine into a sharp smell that made my boogers shrivel back up into my sinuses.

I took a grilled cheese sandwich and put it on my tray. There was a theory that all the food in ECCC was actually all the leftover food from all the other restaurants in town, so you had to choose your food wisely. When I sat down, I ate the “grilled cheese sandwich,” gained super powers and flew off into the sunset.

Afterwards, the SWAT team raided the ECCC for selling food past their expiration date.

Moral: Don’t eat bad food, or you’ll get diabetes or super powers.

 

So Goes the Mob

“It’s been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I ain’t that good at this sort of stuff so don’t be all up in my face about being weird OK?” says Patrick to the psychologist. “I’ve only just begun to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me.”

“Alright, I won’t say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it all started.”

“It started like this”

‘I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.

‘I didn’t like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK. They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot’s name was Squacky.

‘He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can only say “monkey”, but it’s a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky, so I really like the monkey now.

‘Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime’s name was Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward. Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot. It was. I ran forward and so did the others.

‘BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy’s moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It was in monopoly money, but it’s better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.

‘I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him in our car and took him to base.

‘Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated. All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.

‘We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing that stupid box thing and I yelled, “Get down on the ground and drop those invisible fish.” Bob said, “Eat magical blue dwarven phones.” Then suddenly a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said, “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose.” I noticed that he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot.”

I asked him for his autograph and he said, “Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese first. There you go. Bye.” Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time. But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope. I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, “Nooooooooooooo, not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.

“You won’t get away this time,” I yelled. “Wait, I know. I can attract them by singing their favorite song ‘Monkey Go Poof’.” And so I sang and sang and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather. Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After 30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing ‘I love you’ and starts to work on Sesame Street).

“It got two thumbs down. It’s supposed to be really stupid. So what are you waiting for, let’s go in.” When we get in, we are the only people there and the mimes say in sign language, “Lets sit in the front row and look up the entire time.” We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, “Can I be on Sesame Street.” And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his name. It ends in o, but I can’t remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo- Elmo says, “OK” Then, the movie ends. We all say, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That was the best Barney movie ever.” After we get our picture taken with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I say, “Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes.”

“Squack”

“Who said that?”

“I did”

“Oh ok”

Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement. We thought ‘yay’, no more stupid work. After we thought about that a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks from that concert. “Finally they might stop singing now that they know they suck,” Bob said.

“I ain’t afraid of no boy band”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.

“What you talkin’ ’bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I could make up an awesome catch phrase like those,” I said. “Well maybe one day you will,” said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have to say one thing, “Put your kids away and never let them out until half an hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich, and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow. But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The good one said, “I am happy,” and the bad one said, “I am not happy.” So the bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. “Yay” we said, “no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement.” And we riverdanced the night away. “And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?” I asked.

“Mr. Dwagalad,” Jeff said, ” nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I’m just appalled.” Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started looking like a mime.

The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called the Mooseycheesemuffin.

The

End

‘Yay’

 

Sandwich Wall – Rules

Materials needed: 2 walls parallel to each other (its easier to play), a sandwich no one wants that is in a plastic bag

# of players: 2 or more

What you do:

1. Someone starts out with a sandwich and throws it against the wall.

2. After the sandwich hits the wall, it must hit another player before touching the ground. the player that gets hit then picks up the sandwich and does the same to another player.

3. Repeat until sandwich “explodes” out of bag (in other words, when sandwich comes out of the broken bag all crumpled and nasty).

4. No one really wins this game but its really fun.

Boundaries: The general area of the area you’re playing in