Joke #18596

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn’t qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.

I’m always pushing the envelope!

 

Joke #18410

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

“Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!” she screams.  Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: “Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position.”

“I’m 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!”

 

Joke #12086

An Air Force fighter pilot radioed the tower the following: “Pilot to tower.  Plane on fire.  Almost out of fuel and I’m over the ocean 75 miles out at 900 feet.  Radio me instructions.  What should I do?”

To which the tower replied: “Base to pilot.  Repeat after me …. Our Father, who art in heaven ….”

 

Joke #11790

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, ‘Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.’ Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, ‘Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule , Greenland , for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers’ asses are beg inning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it’s 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?’

 

Signs You’ve Chosen a “No Frills” Airline

1. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

5. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

6. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

7. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

8. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

9. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

10. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

11. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

12. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

 

Top 10 Signs You Have a Bad Pilot

10. You overhear him say on the intercom “Hey, Pedro, What’s this gizmo do?”

9. For the past two hours, you’ve been going straight up.

8. He says, “We’re cruising at an altitude of 45 feet.”

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

6. When you take off he yells, “Weeeeeeeeee!”

5. At some point he announces, “Screw Chicago, let’s go find that Mars observer!”

4. He’s wearing a Domino’s Pizza uniform.

3. Over P.A. you hear, “Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh.”

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as “Mommy.”