Fazzlepene’s Law – n. a philosophical axiom which states “to trigger an unlikely event, make changes in anticipation for it to not happen again as soon as possible, so that it does trigger.”
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service agent: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers representative: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center’s high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
“Well,” said the director, eyes twinkling, “today we are studying the children’s favorite philosopher: Play-Doh.”
A New York judge is ready to go through the day’s business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: “Quick…get me a translator.”
Translator shows up and the judge says: “Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?”
The translator says: “Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?”
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: “Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I’ve come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University.”
The translator turns to the judge and says: “Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford.”
PHILOSOPHY STUDENT: “I just had lunch an hour ago.”
PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR: “You mean you ‘think’ you just had lunch.”
PHILOSOPHY STUDENT: “No, I’m sure. I ate six stuffed peppers.”
PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR: “That’s still no proof. You could think you ate six stuffed peppers. It could all be in your mind.”
PHILOSOPHY STUDENT: “That’s impossible, Professor. I know I had lunch because I have indigestion, and it’s in my stomach not my mind.”
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”