Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

 

#6493: davepoobond -> Holmes

davepoobond: there was this really stupid fundraiser thing yesterday

davepoobond: i came in when they had 2 minutes to donate stuff

davepoobond: to send some kids to camp

davepoobond: “comon these kids need to get sent to camp” “1 week of their LIVES” (they ended up sending 11, out of who knows how many)

davepoobond: and they raised like 7000 dollars

Holmes: hah

davepoobond: it was messed up

davepoobond: and the 7-11 franchisees corporation and franchisees gave them half a million dollars

Holmes: wow

davepoobond: and all they said “thanks, thanks so much” and then he turned to the camera

davepoobond: and then he said something, i dont know what it was cuz i was laughing too hard

Holmes: 7-11…screwing people 7 hours a day, 11 days of the week

davepoobond: and then this pregnant black jewish woman does some stand-up

Holmes: LMAO

davepoobond: she’s a “convert”

Holmes: pregnant black jewish woman?

davepoobond: LOL ya

Holmes: LDKMKLNSLMAO

davepoobond: she was ok, but she was really dumb

davepoobond: and most of her jokes werent even laughed at

davepoobond: as soon as she comes up, shes like “oh, i give a new meaning to labor day, dont i”

davepoobond: and all she did was talk about her in-laws and her husband

Holmes: it’s like “say what you are” and she says “I’m a pregnant black jewish woman” and the whole audience laughs

Holmes: then she makes jokes and no one laughs

davepoobond: i mean, she’s like 9 months pregnant, she could’ve broke water AS she was doing it

Holmes: yeah

davepoobond: that woulda been great to see

davepoobond: “you know, Jewish people can’t whisper -” SPRAYYYYYYYYYY

Holmes: “MY WATER BROKE”

Audience: “HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA”

Holmes: “I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION”

AUDIENCE: “HAHAHAHHA SHE’S PREGANT HAHAHAHHA”

davepoobond: do u know what MDA is

davepoobond: lolll

Holmes: mda?

davepoobond: besides a drug

Holmes: nop

davepoobond: yeah that was the foundation

davepoobond: that was hosting it or whatever

davepoobond: i think ed macmahon was there

Holmes: oh

davepoobond: it was such crap

davepoobond: it was like 4 hours long

davepoobond: and they raised 10 million half-way

Holmes: wow

davepoobond: (i bet it was just inflated though)

davepoobond: they just add 9.9 million here and there

davepoobond: to get people to call

davepoobond: cuz “others are”

Holmes: hehe

Holmes: lmao

———————–

Fun fact: Later on, the bookstore davepoobond works at during college did a fundraiser for the same association to send kids to camp. The association is called the Muscular Dystrophy Association 😛