Hospitals are so clean, you can eat off the floor. And the way they prepare food, that’s where most of the meals end up.
I don’t see how anyone can get well in a hospital. Almost everybody you meet there is sick.
Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met one day.
The first man asked, “How’s everything, Jimmy?”
His friend answered. “Not so hot. My wife ran off with a vacuum salesman. My son was arrested for stealing cars, and my daughter is in the hospital with two broken legs. Besides that, I’m turning gray, my teeth have to be yanked out tomorrow, and my dog died yesterday.”
His friend shook his head and said, “Golly! That’s very sad. By the way, what business are you in, Jimmy?”
“I sell good luck charms!”
Did you hear about the patient who was in the hospital so long that by the time they cured his illness, he was suffering from snow blindness?
Hospitals take advantage of sick people. They make them eat food a healthy person would never touch.
A patient in the local hospital was really angry. He called his doctor and told him, “That dumb nurse came into my room last night and plugged my electric blanket into the automatic toaster on my night table and every five minutes I kept popping out of the darned bed!”
A man was just admitted to the hospital for surgery. He said to his doctor, “Golly, I’m so frightened. This is my first operation.”
The doctor nodded his head and replied, “I know how you feel, it’s my first operation too!”
Caller: Operator! Operator! What’s the fastest way for me to get to the hospital?
Operator: Have you tried playing in traffic?
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.”
“What does she read?” asks Morris.
“My life insurance policy.”
Q: Why do burn victims hate hospital food?
A: It makes their skin crawl.
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s hit — but, only a glancing blow — and is thrown, head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man: “Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies: “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?”
The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that
thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where Paula works, Paula has to ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, she prints it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.
Once when Paula asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas.
Several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses’ station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘Bananas?'”
There was a case in one hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide
team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11… Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.