Jingle Bells Song #24438

Dashing through the snow
On a broken pair of skis
Oh no I’m heading for the tree
As I go to stand up I realize
I have just broken my knees

The snow is turning red
I think I’m almost dead
I spent my Christmas Eve
In a stupid hospital bed

OH
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Grandma had a gun
pulled the trigger
and lost her finger in 1981

Hey!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Grandma had a gun
pulled the trigger
and lost her finger in 1981

Hey!

 

Dream #23034: The Moon Blew Up

I wrote this in 2002.

I had a dream that I was out in the desert or something. The sand was red and there weren’t any trees, but big rocks every so often. There were a lot of people there, and there were a lot of houses. I wasn’t too far from my house. I looked up at the moon (which was very close). It was really hot, and the moon turned around pretty fast, and it looked the same except it had its own “red eye storm” like Jupiter. It’s kind of hard to describe. Anyway I pointed it out to my mom, and she said “that’s normal, they throw all our trash up there, you know?”

I thought “hmm, all that plastic up there is burning making it hot down here…” It seemed like it was raining fire from the moon. All of a sudden, it blew up. Everyone started screaming and went back inside their homes. After the moon rocks fell, I went over to my friends house, and there was my Grandma. She said his family wasn’t there because my friend was at the hospital. She pointed out the window shutters on the window, and said something about how cheap they were because a rock fell through. Then she disappeared.

Then it rained rocks again.  Afterwards, I was crying and I turned on the TV. To get my mind off everything, I turned on the TV and watched cartoons, while there was another TV with the news on. It had a bunch of people talking about the moon blowing up, and how it was more horrible than September 11. The rocks fell again all of a sudden for the last time. I went outside to see what happened, and there were a lot of people on hospital beds, screaming because trash and rock shot into their body.

I woke up then. What a weird dream. I could barely describe it all. You should’ve dreamed it yourself…to truly understand.

 

Squacklecast Episode 10 – “The Art of Covering Shifts”

This entry is part 10 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we become overly insensitive assholes (moreso than usual?  Or maybe not at all!) and lambast a girl over the 70+ e-mails that she has sent out in the past 6 months regarding shift covers.  It is truly an art form in itself when you have TO GUILT TRIP YOUR WHOLE DEPARTMENT INTO COVERING SHIFTS FOR YOU.  Not to mention it is your “second” job which only gives you at most 4 to 8 hours a week!

There aren’t that many trailers or pictures that apply to this week’s podcast, so here’s a link to the pictures section so you can laugh while you laugh.

This is the real cancer we were talking about, obviously:

Cancer Constellation

 

Daddy’s Porno

An owl is sitting on a couch, in his tree house (not to be confused with a treehouse, his house is actually IN a tree and not gay). The owl’s wings are doing something near his crotch. The room is dark and you can see the TV’s glare on the owl. Cooing sounds and squawking sounds are coming from the TV.

Just then, Baby Owl comes into the room, and sees Daddy watching pigeon porno. Daddy Owl whips his head around 360 degree without moving his body (because he’s an owl and not a human).

Daddy was astonished to find Baby Owl in the doorway. And where there’s baby owl, there’s that stupid owl bitch mommy owl.

But this particular owl was “Big Mama” from the Fox and the Hound. And she wasn’t called Big Mama for nothing. She had the biggest ass cheeks in town, including the grandma-type lady that is probably still a virgin, or raped the guy next door, (he was raped) anywho…

“WHAT THA FUCK!” Big Mama yelled as she came in ass first. “Now, now. Let me explain dear….” Daddy Owl said. Big Mama said, “What the HELL is this crap? You get off to this shit? Other races of bird?” Big Mama flapped her fat wings around. “Oh baby!” the TV said. Daddy Owl tried to cover up his owl boner. Big Mama said, “Don’t even try to hide it. Its so small you can’t even feel anything happening in an ass as big as mine!”

“Now, now!” Daddy Owl rebutted. “A man has to have a little exotic arousal every now and then to keep the juices goin’, you wouldn’t understand.”

“OH! I understand PLENTY! You call that trickling faucet of yours juice? Its not even enough to fill one of my ass pimples!” Big Mama was furious.

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! I was voted ‘most likely to have the biggest dick though no one actually measured’ in my class! So shut your trap, bitch!”

While all this was happening, Baby Owl was humping the TV and feeling himself up like crazy. “Look what your perverted-ness did to Junior! He’s humping the fucking TV! Goddamn you, Daddy Owl, I want a divorce!” Big Mama screeched.

Daddy Owl was in deep shit now. If he got a divorce, he’d have to move back in with his parents! And all they did was make their own porn movies to sell. What could Daddy Owl say? It was in the family. Daddy Owl was tired of being in his parents films anyway.

Just then a fairy flies in and makes everyone disappear, and a family of pigeons move in. The Daddy Pigeon was a priest, so instead of legal problems with porn, there would be more interesting illegal problems with the priest molesting eggs. The End.