Joke #21017: Tee For 2

A man is having an affair with his wife and decides to stay round his new found lovers house for the night.  They decide to have an all nighter.

In the morning the lover decides to ask the man how is he going to explain his absence.  He tells her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass.  The woman does it, but is confused.

When he goes back to his own house, the wife asks “Where have you been?”

The man replies “I’m sorry but I’m having an affair with you.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You liar, you’ve been out playing golf all night!”

 

Joke #18683

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

“There,” said one of the golfers, “is a guy who hates to lose his ball!”

 

Joke #18646

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice.  The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!

Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Harry, “What should we do?”

“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”

 

The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Let’s begin:

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone.  And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients.  You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here’s a list of suggestions:

– Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
– Join every free banner exchange.
– Get your own free-for-all links page.
– Hire a bulk emailer.
– Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

 

Joke #18626

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”

“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”

“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.

 

Joke #18609

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

 

Joke #18563

When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read “Hole in One Golf Supplies.”

Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads “Hole for One Mortuary Supplies.”

 

Joke #18532

A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he’s driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, “Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?”

“Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I’m driving.”

“Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”

 

Joke #18514

A husband asks his wife, “If I should die first would you marry again?”

“I would be heart-broken, of course,” was her reply, “but I think eventually I would remarry.”

“But you wouldn’t bring him here to our house?”

“Why not? I’ve worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it.”

“But you wouldn’t sleep in our bed?”

“Well, I wouldn’t run out and buy a new bed right away.”

“Surely, you wouldn’t let him use my golf clubs?”

“Of course not! He’s lefthanded!”

 

Joke #18510

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one hell of a putt…”

 

Joke #18482

A foursome teed off on the long par-3. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker and you couldn’t tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.

After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others. He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway yelling and screaming, “I got a hole-in-one! I don’t believe it!”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” said the others. “You run ahead of us down the fairway and disappear behind that bunker, and now, all of a sudden, you claim you have a hole-in-one. How stupid do you think we three are?”

“No, no. It’s true. I swear it,” he said crossing his heart. “Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it.”

 

Joke #18422

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!”

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!”

By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover”.

“It’s the biggest dam I know.” he replied.

 

Joke #18405

Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.

George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, ‘I can make this putt.’

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet…and George is too.