I’m not fussy. I’ll eat anything my wife puts on the table, as long as she didn’t cook it.
My kids’ table manners disgust me. You can’t imagine how sickening it is to watch a four-year-old and a five-year-old sip chicken noodle soup through crazy straws.
Her cooking is so bad that just to be on the safe side, she only invites dinner guests who have their life insurance paid up.
MAE: “I get everything backwards.”
RAY: “I can’t believe that.”
MAE: “It’s true. I’ll give you an example. Yesterday I tried to follow a recipe for pineapple upside-down cake and ended up with a pineapple down-side up cake.”
I’m so wishy-washy that when I go to a hamburger joint and order a whopper, I’ll have it any way they want to make it.
I’m a man who can live by bread alone. I can’t even afford butter.
Once I ate in a restaurant that was so bad, I got food poisoning just from opening the menu.
I wouldn’t say the last delicatessen I ate in wasn’t clean, but the seeds in my rye bread were moving.
Q: What makes the tower of Pisa lean?
A: It never eats!
Like the hamburger said at the monastery: “Out of the frying pan and into the friar.”
Hospitals are so clean, you can eat off the floor. And the way they prepare food, that’s where most of the meals end up.
DOCTOR: “Miss Smith, contrary to what you seem to think, you do not get Hong Kong flu from eating contaminated Chow Mein.”
CUSTOMER: “Waiter, the food in this restaurant tastes terrible.”
WAITER: “I’m sorry you don’t like it, sir. Are there any other complaints?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes. Your portions are much too small.”
COACH: “Kronsky, you’re overweight. You spend too much time at the dinner table.”
PLAYER: “Coach, it’s not the minutes I spend at the table that puts all of this weight on me. It’s the seconds.
WIFE: “Wake up! Wake up! There’s a burglar in the kitchen and he’s eating the leftover stew we had for supper.”
HUSBAND: “Go back to sleep and don’t worry, dear. I’ll bury him in the morning.”