The Clutch In My Van

Parody of Britney Spears – Touch Of My Hand

She learned to drive at an early age….

I’m not ashamed
To use the high beam,
I find myself parking
When the light is green…

When my tires are blown
I practice my show,
And ride my clutch
With the curtains closed…

And I know my poor brain ain’t right…
When I’m standing by your side…
I’m thinking about
My van all the time..
Motor oil is on my mind.
And where & how it will apply
I love my shelves
Covered in sheep skin
I can’t control this van I’m in…

Cause I’ve just discovered,
My van’s taking over…
I’ll have to hide it from my mother-
The more I come
To understand
The clutch in my van…
And where it’s at
In between my seat
Lately Ive been noticing,
The blisters on me..
The wrinkled up skin
When I’m oily & gray,
I’m learning to drive
In a most serious way..

And I know my poor brain ain’t right…
When I’m standing by your side.
I’m thinking about
My van all the time…
Motor oil is on my mind
And where & how it will apply

Cause I’ve just discovered,
My van’s taking over…
I’ll have to hide it from my mother-
The more I come
To understand
The clutch in my van…

 

Woman’s Dictionary

– Yes = No.

– No = Yes.

– Maybe = No.

– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

– We need = I want.

– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

– We need to talk = I need to complain.

– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.

– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.