togzibige – n. a drink made by using a coffee pot that has not been cleaned out for a couple of months, using a toxic cleaning solution to clean the pot of its dirty coffee stains. The concoction is what comes from this process.
Developer/Publisher: Kitsune Games || Overall: 5.0/10
Not every game can be a winner. MidBoss kind of stinks, and that’s unfortunate because the concept was interesting on its outset. I’m a sucker for taking over your enemies or learning their abilities, and MidBoss is all about doing just that. The idea being, that you slowly work your way up in possessing stronger and stronger enemies — hey, that’s cool!
Unfortunately, it isn’t very cool.
MidBoss lands in the range of “playable.” Considering the array of games available nowadays, you can’t get away with a game simply qualifying as such. The foundation is there, but the key thing that is missing is VARIETY, especially when you’re talking about a roguelike. The map you play on never changes, the diversity of monsters is very low (nor are they very exciting), and the roguelike element itself leaves a lot to be desired. MidBoss tries to be a loot game, but the loot sucks; half of the stats don’t make much perceivable impact on how you play. It is also a turn-based game, but the controls are wonky at best; controllers can’t even be used! I don’t really enjoy holding down my mouse click for 90% of the game, and using the keyboard is even more frustrating than that for some reason. It sort of boggles my mind why turn-based grid movement that is Isomtric is 4-sided rather than hexagons. There’s also practically no animation — though the art is okay, it is boring except for a few stand-outs. It also reminds me mostly of a DOS-era art style, straight out of the early 1990’s.
You hit a ton of crates, shelves, and chests to find crap, equip the crap, then try to find more crap to swap out. For some reason you have to identify loot in this game, but none of the loot is very exciting to begin with so it isn’t even worth the extra clicks to unlock useless stats. You find a vendor, eventually, where you can unload your awful gear for Balls of Yarn (the game’s currency), which is pretty funny to do… but only to a certain point. That’s when you realize you just want to vendor everything you came across.
The roguelike mechanics are perhaps the only moderately-well executed part here. They revolve around the concept of “Death Cards” in which each run (after you die) is memorialized in a screenshot of you dying, along with a snapshot of all of your gear and abilities. You can share this card with other people so they can play your seed and with your equipment, if you are so inclined. When starting a new game, you can also take one item from each of your previous deaths (up to six individual cards) one time. So, let’s say you play from scratch six times and were able to get one legendary item in each run — in your seventh run you’d be able to pick all of the best items from the previous six runs and start out with them. This improves your chances to get further in the game, but if you die you’ll lose all but one of these pieces of gear. Other than this, there is no meta game — no way to improve, collect, or slowly rise in power to be able to get further. There are a limited number of floors, so it’s not like it goes on endlessly. Of course this shows how there isn’t really a need for a grander meta game, but that’s besides the point. Most of all there isn’t really a “different” way to play the game, or extra variations on the formula to keep it fresh; you’ll be in pursuit of trying to perfect your runs using what you’ve already been introduced to.
The story is a bit humorous, but barebones. You play as an Imp named “Boss” and along with his chatty tutorial companion “Mid” you’ll work your way through all of the heels in the dungeon after your face turn. I guess health insurance premiums just got too outrageous in the dungeon business, so “Boss” goes on a workplace violence rampage. And since Boss is no longer willing to accept the role of beginning-experience-fodder, his goal is to possess stronger and stronger enemies and to eventually become the actual Boss of the dungeon. This sounds a lot like a normal work atmosphere, doesn’t it? Just wait until you get to ogle the hot chick while you are getting coffee. And then jerking it in the bathroom to keep yourself from spontaneously ejaculating in the middle of the office and into your fresh coffee. You better hope the copy machine has a technical issue, am I right? …I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore.
Since it seems like updates are planned for MidBoss in the future, a few of these concerns might pan out and the game could become more interesting, but as of right now it is pretty boring and actually tiring to play. While it’s unfair to completely characterize the game as “Early Access,” it isn’t far from it. I can appreciate completing initial development of a game and saying “this is our vision,” but when you are severely lacking content and have to hope whatever comes down the pipeline in updates remedies your initial issues, there are consequences to be had by that.
“i have no desire for a half ass lover. i want someone to grab my neck and tell me i belong to them. i want to be wrapped around you on a Friday night in bed and have your lips be the last thing i taste before i go to sleep. i want you to bring me coffee in the morning and i want to rub your back at night. i want a love that can set my heart on fire and i want a lover who i can intoxicate with my madness.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
sariano – n. coffee that you prepared but forgot to drink in time so now it is no longer the perfect cup of coffee you had so desired
There once was a man who became an arsonist. Orson the Arson was a coffee-drinking fiend and would take caffeine pills by the handful before going to work in the morning. He worked at a coffee shop in Los Angeles. The traffic in the morning was pretty boring to sit through, as you could imagine, and for every five minutes he was stuck, he would take an extra caffeine pill. All in all, he pretty much ingested 100 caffeine pills a day before going into work and drinking The Canoe of Coffee, the specialty drink of the coffee shop Canoe Coffee. It was literally a canoe filled with coffee.
At Canoe Coffee, there were many other caffeine addicts who lazed about all day, drinking a Canoe of Coffee. When a caffeine spike kicked in, the customers were regulated into the Rumpus Room where they could swing from trees, canoe down a fake river, and battle mechanical tigers and lions. There was one time when Tiger 89 malfunctioned and almost gnawed off a customer’s leg, but since they signed a waiver saying anything that may happen in the Rumpus Room stays in the Rumpus Room, they were trapped in the Rumpus Room forever!!! It was like a jail, but everyone got to point and laugh at the delegged customer who was renamed Deleggy the Legs.
Deleggy the Legs was given a desk and a computer so that she may browse the internet. She had a wireless mouse and it wouldn’t work so she called the front desk and asked for a corded mouse. Unluckily for her, it was Orson the Arson who picked up the phone.
“DELEGGY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT A CORDED MOUSE IS, LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY I BARELY KNOW HOW TO USE THIS PHONE.” Orson screamed at Deleggy.
Orson hung up the phone, and that was that.
Across the street, Canoe Coffee’s competitor Kayak Coffee served the Kayak of Coffee, which was literally a kayak full of coffee. They were having their “buy one for the price of three sale.” Kayak Coffee’s marketing of their event was pounding Canoe Coffee’s sales the whole week and they were falling behind, as they do every year around this time.
Stan Jinjam, the owner of Canoe Coffee, devised a plan to take care of Kayak Coffee once and for all. He would replace all the coffee at Canoe Coffee with Green Tea! Green Tea was super disgusting and no one likes it. Canoe Coffee would go out of business in a day!
It was around that time that Jenny Sanzdfit, owner of Kayak Coffee, devised her own plan to put Kayak Coffee out of business – replacing all of their coffee with melted butter. Canoe Coffee would go out of business in less than 3 hours!
Orson the Arson had other plans, though. He couldn’t work somewhere for very long without burning it down, since he was insane like that. Canoe Coffee and Kayak Coffee would both be good targets considering they would probably blame each other for the mess he created. It was the perfect plan, especially since they were both planning on destroying the others’ business to begin with.
That was the day when The Three Leaf Clover Gang made their move into the coffee industry. The Three Leaf Clover Gang was pushed out of the hard drug business by rising prices on gasoline, and they just couldn’t afford to keep their cocaine supply chain AND pay for gas for all their cronies.
In the middle of the night, behind Kayak Coffee, Orson was dumping gas on the persimmon trees that would start the fire. On the other side of the building, Jake “Kidney Stone” Marauder was placing explosives. He had already wired Canoe Coffee and was planning on blowing them both up at the same time. Little did either know of the other’s plans until they bumped their backs into each other.
“Who are you!?” Jake yelled as he placed his hand on his pistol.
“Who am I? WHO ARE YOU??” Orson screeched in his high-pitched caffeine voice. Orson was waving his gas can around in the air.
“What are you doing with that can of gas?”
“What are YOU doing with those explosives?”
“I’m burning this joint down, I’m an arsonist!”
“I’m blowing this joint up, I’m a mobster!”
Orson was very confused. “A mobster? Look buddy, this is my score. I need to see something burn, and soon, and your explosives are going to get in the way of my basking in the heat of fire.”
“Your score? This is our turf, we’re moving in, buddy! If anyone’s going to destroy these coffee places it’s gonna be us! We need to make a statement!” Jake poked Orson with his finger.
Orson flipped out when Jake poked him and grabbed it in his hand and then bit it.
“AHHHH! YOU BIT ME YOU SON OF A MOTHER!!!” Jake screamed.
Orson hissed at Jake and ran around behind the tree, swallowing even more caffeine pills.
Jake pulled out his gun and started blasting away at the tree. Persimmon juice started splattering everywhere as the tree was riddled with gunshots.
Orson reached into one of his pockets and began to throw caffeine pills at Jake while swallowing another handful.
“What the hell is this stuff!?” Jake smacked as many of the random raining pills away as he could. Orson quickly jumped into the tree, came down onto Jake, and began scratching him after they both crash-landed on the floor. They were showered with persimmon juice and caffeine pills as and rolling around on the ground.
“I’ll show you why they call me ‘Kidney Stone,’ you freak!” Jake grunted during the exchange.
Jake grabbed a stone off the ground and started smashing it into Orson’s kidneys.
“WAAAHHHHH!!!” Orson winced in pain as packages of caffeine pills exploded out of his pockets after being hit in the kidneys a couple of times.
“HOW MANY PILLS DO YOU HAVE??? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!” Jake got up and backed away from Orson.
Orson crawled on the ground towards one of the loose bottles of caffeine pills. He was eating pills along the way as fast as he could.
Jake took out the detonator and started to back up again towards the persimmon tree. “Ok, kiddo. I didn’t want to kill anybody, but I’m going to put you out of your misery. Your caffeine addiction is absolutely ridiculous.”
“I can quit if I want to.” Orson slowly said as his real plan was coming to fruition.
“Yeah, that’s what they all say, but we all know that…” Jake began, but was interrupted by being lit on fire.
While Orson was behind the persimmon tree, he placed a fuse on the ground which lit up the persimmon tree — and Jake “Kidney Stone” Marauder.
A good five minutes of burning corpse later, Orson was still picking up caffeine pills off the floor, swallowing one for every three he picked up.
The Twin Brothers McGee, Lefty “Left” McGee and Righty “Other Left” McGee came out of the car to see what was holding up Jake. To their astonishment, they saw Jake; dead and burned to a crisp with the detonator still in his hand, and Orson on the ground picking up large white pills that were littered all over the ground.
Lefty and Righty looked at each other and stared at Jake and Orson in equal amounts. Orson paid no attention to the mobsters and kept picking up his pills in frantic fashion.
Lefty pointed to Orson. “Did this guy burn Jake?”
Righty pointed to Jake. “Well he wouldn’t burn himself! …would he?”
Lefty went over and grabbed Orson by the collar. “Hey man, who are you, what are you—“
Before Lefty could finish his stereotypically inquisitive line of questioning given the situation, Orson freaked out and began throwing caffeine pills into his mouth and then threw some at Lefty.
“HEY MAN! CALM DOWN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
A swift kick to the balls from Orson was all that was needed to subdue Lefty and have him release his collar. Lefty yelled, “MY LEFTY!” and fell to the ground and passing out.
Righty, equipped his trademarked Left-Handed brass knuckle (his brother, Lefty, had a Right-Handed brass knuckle and was right-handed, too, as opposed to Righty who was left-handed) and swung at Orson the Arson.
Orson’s face got smashed and he fell to the ground into a pile of caffeine pills. Orson’s mouth became a vacuum and he sucked them all up.
Righty was getting ready to beat Orson a little bit more, and maybe marinate him for cooking, when Orson got a caffeine spike. When Orson gets a caffeine spike, he begins to get crazy. If you thought he was crazy before, you should see what happens when a crazy person goes crazy in relative terms.
Orson took a match out of his coat and took a swig from a flask full of gas. He turned around, lit the match, and sprayed the gas onto the match, lighting up Righty. Righty ran around and then fell to the ground after inhaling flames. He was soon burned on the floor. Orson removed another container of gas from his pocket and dumped it on Lefty, who was barely conscious on the floor.
Orson’s maniacally caffeinated smile filled his face as he lit another match.
Out of nowhere, from the distance, the mobster sharpshooter Langdon “The Big Sleeper” Cranson shot the match out of Orson’s hand. It flew into the air and as Orson turned around, the match landed only a couple inches away from Lefty.
Orson was caught off guard by the gunman. “The Big Sleeper” got his name not from being able to shoot very well but the fact that he is a fat guy and sleeps a lot. He was a mobster, after all, not in the military or even a local police force. He was classified as a sharpshooter because he could actually hit something when he’s shooting, unlike everyone else in the Three Leaf Clover Gang that likes to just spray bullets everywhere.
The Big Sleeper lumbered forward as he tried to make his way up the incline towards Orson and the rest of the burning bodies. Orson spat out the caffeine pills in his mouth. As they flooded out of his mouth in an endless stream, Orson began a high-pitched yell as he reached a psychotic high from the caffeine. The Big Sleeper, tired from having to shuffle at a fast pace for about ten steps, stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the flood of pills coming out of Orson’s mouth.
“Oh, no. I ain’t paid to deal with junkies no more. We are in the coffee business, now, not doing this no more. No more.” The Big Sleeper made a U-Turn and started shuffling away from Orson, occasionally looking back and trying to take a shot at him with his handgun with a scope on it. However, he completely missed every time because the angle of his large body didn’t allow for him to shoot directly behind him. Instead of shooting in the direction where Orson was, he shot to the sides, where innocent Persimmon trees became victim to bullets.
Orson jumped into the air, his hands and feet somehow lit on fire and he grabbed a hold to the back of The Big Sleeper. The Big Sleeper yelled in pain as he fell to the ground and rolled around on the floor. Orson didn’t hold on for long since the rotund man rolled faster and faster down the five foot incline. Orson remained on the floor, crawling in a slithering manner towards The Big Sleeper who was laying in the middle of the road with his huge belly up.
“I have a Fascination for Fire…” Orson said as he slithered toward The Big Sleeper.
The Big Sleeper, unable to move, could only watch as the menacing arson made his slow crawl toward him. His gun lay just out of his reach.
“AND I MUST BURNNNNN YOUUU!!!” Orson screeched as he scrounged on the ground toward The Big Sleeper.
Gun shots and the sound of flames erupted as the two coffee houses exploded. The Big Sleeper’s voice echoed into the night, but was soon masked by the explosion and fires.
“YESSSSSS!!!!!” Orson rose up from the ground as the energy from the fires invigorated him.
“It has been 600 years, but I have finally burned enough coffee-related structures to return to my true form!!” Orson’s skin began to turn to scales and large claws began to form on his hands. In a blast of stanky air and caffeine pills, Coffee Breath the Dragon has been renewed!
At that instant, 40 more members of the Three Leaf Clover Gang trooped down the street in the middle of the burning commercial complex. They had heard of the atrocities that happened to their special forces and came to deal with the “issue.”
Johnny “Funny Man” Toofonny unsheathed his sledgehammer from its holster and pointed it to the roaring dragon.
“This dragon killed Jake, Righty, Lefty, and Langdon! Let’s get him!”
At the same time, all forty of the henchmen began shooting with their submachine guns at the large dragon. Every bullet bounced off the dragon’s shiny scales as he came close to the group of henchman. With a swipe, five henchmen flew into the air towards Canoe Coffee. The large canoe on top of the building had been filled with melted butter, and the flying henchmen knocked it loose, spilling a flood of melted butter into the street where the other henchmen were.
Another swipe from Coffee Breath and this time henchman hit the kayak on top of Kayak Coffee. The kayak had been filled with green tea, and came pouring down into the street along with the melted butter.
Unknown to anyone in the world before this day, the mixture of melted butter and green tea created a concoction that had more energy in it than rocket fuel, and the gun powder residue from the firing machine guns hit the fumes created by the Melted Butter Green Tea Rocket Fuel, or MBGTRF for short. Everyone was lit on fire in a magical-looking green fire with yellow streaks.
All that was left of the Three Leaf Clover Gang in the area was Johnny Toofonny. He watched in horror as all of his friends burned in the magical green fire. Coffee Breath walked up behind him and grabbed Johnny by the head. He crushed him with his claws, throwing away the remains into the pile of burning corpses that were once his friends.
Coffee Breath began to flap his wings, and as he gained height, the MBGTRF energy began to swirl around him. It began to swirl fast enough that it turned Coffee Breath into the fastest dragon in the world and he disappeared in a streak of melted butter and green tea.
After the dust had settled, Deleggy the Legs emerged from the rubble.
The next day, both of the owners of Kayak Coffee and Canoe Coffee were sued for conspiracy of false imprisonment. It turned out Kayak Coffee and Canoe Coffee were conspiring to create insurance fraud for sabotaging each other’s companys and forcing people to harvest coffee beans in their underground jungle lair. Even though their buildings were blown up by gangsters and a dragon, their underground jungle lair became the only focus.
Moral of the story: Don’t trust news sources, they leave out the whole story.
Developer: Rockstar North | Publisher: Rockstar Games || Overall: 9.5/10
For me, a Grand Theft Auto game is like one of those mini-milestones in my life; I get to experience something fantastic, funny, and overall extremely entertaining. I’ve bought each of the mainline GTA games during the first week of release, and have thoroughly enjoyed each of them. I still have yet to complete any of the games on PlayStation 2, and I still need to buy Vice City Stories, but I can pretty much say that GTA is a big part of what makes gaming so enjoyable to me.
So, does Grand Theft Auto V continue to be the torchbearer that has been such a motivator for me to stick with gaming as a whole? The answer is yes, but the answer is also no, in some regards. Grand Theft Auto is a lot of things to a lot of people — a social scapegoat, a cool game to fuck around endlessly in, and most of all an offensive and satirical look at America and what it means to be an American.
Grand Theft Auto V breaks the mold of its predecessors by allowing you to play as three different characters. Each character has their own individual stories and some missions that overlap with each other. The missions culminate at certain points of the story where you will do “Heists.” Heists can essentially be looked at as the major challenge or “boss” of that point of the game. Heists themselves are very dynamic story missions that allow you to switch characters based on what sort of preference you have. At times you’ll also be forced to change characters to progress the mission. There are several occasions where a character has to drive 5 miles to a certain location, but during “their drive” you can switch to another character who is currently in the middle of another objective that is occurring. After completing the Heist, all three characters have their own missions opened up again.
Each of the three characters draw parallels to previous characters in the series, with the character Trevor, who is a drug dealing crime entrepreneur being the most unique as far as the series-as-a-whole goes. All three characters, and their motion capture/voice work actors, do an amazing job in conveying the story and making it enjoyable. First and foremost, the story of Grand Theft Auto V is a character story. There is very little strength in an overall arcing story, as it never really comes to a head, but the real joy of the story is the interactions between the characters and the way they live their lives and the things that go on around them. The main storyline revolves around the government and government corruption, but is never fully realized in its potential. My feeling is that there will be expansions, a la GTA IV’s expansions, where each character may be the sole focus to fully flesh out the remaining questions that each individual’s story sort of left open ended even as the credits rolled and after.
As a result, the story sort of just drops off at the end and you’re left with questions for each of the individual character’s stories without any real indication that they will be answered or even if the inevitable expansions are even going to focus on the main protagonists of the GTA V. A lot of the plot points of in the characters’ personal stories make you question why they bothered having them when there was no real pay off. A wait-and-see approach for the expansion plans is sort of unnerving, but if it pans out the way I hope it does then it may not be that bad.
The game play has been universally improved from GTA IV. Combat is a lot more fun and refined. The addition of the weapon wheel allows for switching guns in a more efficient manner. Many of the same features you expect in a GTA game are present, and have been refined as well. Being able to customize cars permanently is a welcome addition for the single player mode. Speaking on cars, your characters all have their own “personal vehicles” that you will undoubtedly drive more often than not. This is a vast change from previous games where you would always just steal a car to get around the city. Now that you have your “own” personal vehicle you can always rely on using that car. I actually preferred to use the personal cars to give the feeling of consistency for the story. The cars are also unique, so you can tell when another character is driving it or is parked somewhere waiting for you to start a mission.
During a lot of the missions there are opportunities to catch references to action movies in a way that is an homage to Hollywood and Los Angeles. There are plenty of hilarious scenes and subtleties that make this Grand Theft Auto leagues ahead of any before it, while still harkening back to them. Most notably is GTA: San Andreas, as you encounter gangs that existed in that game as well as visiting CJ’s home neighborhood — you will instantly recognize it and there is even a mission where you will have a shootout through the whole neighborhood. You will also be able to walk into a lot of different buildings during your missions — one such being the LifeInvader offices where there are a lot of Facebook-related jokes and scenes to be had.
Missions are split out into separate categories — “Missions” and “Strangers and Freaks.” During the series there has always been those “off-storyline” missions that came around that didn’t have much to do with anything. In Grand Theft Auto IV, they added “strangers” that you could meet on the street and talk to them for a little while or even do a mission for them. The Strangers and Freaks missions in Grand Theft Auto V allowed Rockstar to combine both of those aspects and let themselves go really crazy with designing missions. Shooting aliens after smoking weed, kidnapping a movie star for two old British tourists, and skydiving out of a helicopter into the city are only some of the things that you can do in tandem with the main storyline. Another welcomed feature is the ability to replay all of the missions you find and refine your score on them so you can earn trophies.
With Grand Theft Auto V, you can tell that even though the game is goofy at times, they have made it a point to make the game act much more “realistic.” The way people walk and run, physics that are toned down, and the serious storyline are all honed in on this goal of becoming a “realistic” game. A major casualty of this appears to be the loss of many of the more “traditional game” elements that we have seen in the Grand Theft Auto series, namely Vigilante, Ambulance, and Firetruck side missions. Vigilante has been seemingly replaced with “random events” that you will stumble upon as you are driving through the city. During these random events, people will get their property stolen or police will be in a shootout with the criminals and you can either step in or let them go. While they are nice as an addition, I think I would have gotten at least a couple of more hours of enjoyment from being able to hunt down a list of bounties or have the game generate a group of criminals for me to take down, like in GTA IV. It is unfortunate because GTA V’s combat system is A LOT OF FUN, and I wish I could just have more combat outside of missions. Being able to access the internet on your phone is also very convenient, but it seems like there are a lot less web sites to find this time around. Watching TV is also not as convenient because there is no “full screen” mode and the volume never seems to be able to be turned up loud enough where I can comfortably hear what is going on.
The graphics in the game are very impressive. Really awe-inspiring, however, is how big the game’s map is and how accurate it is to Los Angeles and the surrounding area in California recreated as Los Santos, Sandy Shores, and Blaine County. Being from the LA area, I felt right “at home,” and the lighting in the game makes it that much more authentic. The wilderness and desert areas are much more fleshed out compared to how they looked like in GTA: San Andreas. You can even hunt in the wilderness. While GTA V is a “revisiting” of San Andreas, the lack of San Fierro and Las Venturas can sort of irk you if you are a stickler for the “lore” of Grand Theft Auto. As a result of having the game be more focused on Los Santos itself, we got a much more detailed and expansive city. The radio stations are also pretty good and varied. There are some great tracks, but since nothing can ever live up to GTA: Vice City, we’ll just have to say it’s about as good as it can be.
A part of the experience to note is that ever since the Hot Coffee controversy became a big deal with GTA: San Andreas, Rockstar started becoming more and more daring with what actual sex content they choose to depict. While GTA IV poked fun at themselves by saying “hey wanna have some HOT COFFEE” and then had a lot of groaning noises saying how good the coffee is, in GTA V they literally have people having sex in plain view as part of missions — not something that is really optional like dating. And I don’t think anyone even gave a fuck (pun!) about it this time around! I was laughing my ass off when I saw one of the “movie stars” getting pounded doggie style as you take pictures of her, which resulted in her chasing after you in her convertible trying to kill you. GTA V can just be a lot of fun. You can also call random characters up to “hang out” with them and play mini-games, but as opposed to GTA IV, you aren’t forced to maintain any relationships and as a result there doesn’t seem to be any benefits from them now.
Playing the game for about 50 hours, I can say that GTA V is the best game of the series. Growing and changing as a gamer since playing GTA III, I find myself less and less inclined to just “fuck around” for an endless amount of time. I just got through the missions, played a couple of the repeatable side missions, and called it. Ostensibly, it was worth my $60 regardless, but the point of mentioning it is that sandbox games have become a more focused experience and can be less about “go do anything you want” and more about “here’s the things we want you to do, go do it the way you want to do it.” This is the way gaming has evolved and I do enjoy a more focused experience for sandbox games since they can get very distracting at times. Not to say that you CAN’T just go do anything you want to do for hours on end, but it pushes you towards what it wants you to do much more than other GTA games.
GTA V also comes with GTA: Online, which is basically just a fleshed out version of the multiplayer from GTA IV. GTA: Online is structured more like a free-to-play MMO game with progression of your character, and also gets back to the more “gamey” aspects of the Grand Theft Auto series than the single player experience offers. There’s definitely more people playing it than GTA IV’s online mode, but since GTA: Online is almost its own game entirely, I will just review it later if I get around to it. It is constantly changing as well since they will be adding patches and re-balancing as time goes on.
GTA V is good, and I hope to see more for the game soon.
areqge – v. to drink coffee with your bowl of cereal at 6 P.M.
henearkrxern – v. to spill two week old coffee into a plastic bag and then leave it on the ground
A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide.
It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They’re going to call it: “Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar”
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.”
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”
“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”
“And, when was that?”
“When he asked for the second cup.”
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure thing, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee!”
The waiter says, “Whoa, mister! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.
One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband’s favorites. “I’ve finally been able to make them sweet,” she said, “but how do you make them orange?”
“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”
“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”
“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”
“Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”
“Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”
“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”
“You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”
“That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”
“He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”
“Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?”
“It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”
“HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left…..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”