Joke #18068

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

Foodland’s Top Ten Movie Stars

Cheryl Lard

Rabbit Redford

Goldie Hen

Lauren Bagel

Barbra Streisandwich

Vincent Slice

Jane Fondue

Ingrid Burgerman

Pea Marvin

Beet Midler

And their favorite comics of all time:

Peter Fork

Bread Buttons

Joan Livers

David Steinburger

Lico-Rich Little

Phyllis Dill-Pickle

Bean Martin and Cherry Lewis

 

Tastiest Pictures of the Year

(They’re reel good!)

E. Tea.

The Pie-rates of Penzance

The Grape Muppet Caper

Hello, Deli!

The Three Mustardteers

The Cod Father

The Bride of Frank ‘n’ Stein

Cherry-ots of Fire

20,000 Leeks Under the Sea

The Eggsorcist

Tootsie Roll