Tags: cell phone
Tags: cell phone
Tags: cell phone
“Very few calls on my cell phone lately. In fact, my cell phone has been quieter than a stripper servicing an NBA player.”
- Matt Sussman
Tagged People: Matt Sussman
Everyone knows that when you’re a receptionist or manning a desk you either are standing up, sitting down, or leaning against whatever can hold you weight. But what people don’t know is how to cope with being a receptionist in a situation where the desk is made for sitting but there is no chair! It’s supposed to make you look more approachable when you’re standing around looking like you’re straining to do everything you’re trying to do rather than sitting in a chair using the desk that is made for sitting in the way it was designed to.
So you are forced to stand, but lo and behold, you’re not four feet tall, so 85% of the surface is out of reach and the other 10% is unusable due to line of sight issues. That leaves approximately 2.5% of the desk you used to be able to use for use. The other 2.5% is taken up by the normal useless junk that you’re required to keep on your desk, such as business cards and phones — you never had that to begin with anyway.
There are a number of solutions to tackle this problem. Pick the most viable solution for your situation:
1. Bring the counter to you.
This solution requires you to engineer the desk or counter in such a fashion that it rises approximately three feet into the air. You can use anti-gravity machinery or exquisitely stylish cherry-wood wedges to accomplish this. It’d be like you’re sitting… but you’re standing!
2. Bring you to the counter.
This solution requires you to invent the marmalade that Alice drinks in Alice in Wonderland. Just make sure you drink just enough to shrink to the size of the desk. But I guess you can drink enough so that you can swim around in the tears of lazy receptionists who don’t like to stand up while being a receptionist.
3. Pretend like you’re sitting.
Who says you can’t sit without a chair? You can crouch or sit on an imaginary chair, or develop a jet engine system to keep yourself comfortably levitated at the elevation of your counter.
4. Get a new counter/table.
The most sensible solution of all is to get a new counter. But sensibility is more expensive than a new counter, so you’ll most likely have to forgo this solution nine times out of ten.
5. Bring the surface of the counter to you.
I suppose this is most sensible low-cost solution. But this means you spend money on ancillary items when you could just solve your problem by using the chair you already bought instead of raised surfaces to solve a problem you didn’t need to create. But, who cares, it’s just money, right?
Another challenge that is presented is your ability to be sneaky about things. While in a chair, you would be able to sneak a snack or a peek at your cell phone just to holla at your homies. There are only two presentable solutions available to tackle this problem:
1. Hide under the counter/desk.
Hiding under the counter/desk allows you to temporarily shirk any responsibilities you may have been forced to do. You can hide from customers, managers, other employees — its like a safe haven for about five minutes while you sext that hottie you met at the bar last night.
2. Make the counter into a fort.
Nothing says “fuck you” to customers better than stacking up large amounts of random shit so high into the air so they can’t see you anymore. Who says you need to help anyone but yourself? You need some alone time randomly during the day after you’re creeping on the hot guy/girl trying on a shirt in front of the fixture instead of the fitting room? Time to get some boxes and staple a handwritten “Do Not Disturb” sign so people can’t see you anymore, and don’t come-a-knocking.
“It’s getting warmer, and do you know what that means? Girls are getting into convertibles and driving them, while talking on cell phones and yelling at their friends on the sidewalks. I wish it was cold again. Bad drivers never drive during the winter because ‘it’s too hard’ or ‘there’s too much snow.’ Once it is no longer coat weather, the dumbest girls come out in tank tops and Dodge Neons and terrorize the streets. It’s horrible and there should be a law against it.”
- Matt Sussman
Tagged People: Matt Sussman
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, “It might look like I’m doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I’m quite busy.”
I showed it to her, and her response was, “Oh, I should buy that one, I’m always talking on mine.”
Tags: cell phone
While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News. I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.
Then comes Yahoo! Health. Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry. I don’t get angry because of the facts they present. I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it. Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.
But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!! THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!
So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.
“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”
This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article. “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description. Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.
“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”
Okay. So… they “MAY” cause cancer. However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe. Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.” Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do. It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.” Who is the ever elusive “they?” “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.
Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is. Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL. http://www.cancer.gov/. So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest. So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.
“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”
Sensationalism! YES! If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.
So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article. I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported. Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal. Or maybe it is. In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?
“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”
Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!
THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!! They’re invisible! That must mean they’re bad! Hey guess what, you fucktard. VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves! MIND BOGGLING!
Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves? Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?
“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”
OH LOOK! It’s our first independent researcher. Cindy Sage. Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her. But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement. What the fuck does she think we are? Robots? We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we? And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use. It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other. Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.
So, Cindy Sage. Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart? Let’s go look at your web site. http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html. Wow. So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things. And you charge people for it, obviously. So, I see a conflict of interest here. Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area. Let’s jump to later in the article:
“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”
Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.
“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”
Oh, good. After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them. How terribly contradicting. Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets. I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.
“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”
Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!
I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car. How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car? It’s in the same place relative to your body. If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer. Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car. In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET. Yeah, remember that? That’s actually something to be mindful of.
“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”
Well, Carpenter is an idiot. How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off? We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest. So, fuck that! But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.
“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”
So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.
“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”
I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.” FUCK YOU. I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.
These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”
My God. They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article. At least we can control nuclear bombs.
“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”
If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!
“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.“
So, lets get this straight. Wireless Routers cause leukemia. Cordless phones cause arrhythmia. Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer. Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!
“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”
So bad. They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals. As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!
“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”
That defeats the purpose of a wireless router. Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception. Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?
“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”
And Laptops make you sterile…
“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”
…give you testicular cancer…
“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”
…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies. Death to RF! I mean, death to light! Does that make sense?
“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”
Because pillows absorb RF light or something? How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light? It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows. Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down. Smart people are really dumb.
“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”
Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?
“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”
Safe from what? The invisible cancer waves? I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you. Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.
“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”
In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)! Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?
“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”
That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help! Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby! Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore. Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED. In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib. According to the article’s logic, anyhow.
In conclusion, there is no conclusion. This article is full of stupid crap and is trash. This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.
Tags: A DPB Tag, airplane, alarm, alien, baby, beach, belt, brain, bullshit, California, cancer, cell phone, cheese, chocolate, clock, computer, conspiracy, Dave's Breakdown, death, energy, English, environment, face, government, gun, hamburger, heart, heat, hot dog, house, idiots, internet, laundry, liver, machine, magnet, microwave, money, murder, music, nuclear, ocean, office, pillow, pizza, robot, sound, technology, Yahoo
domiluruji – v. to show a random stranger at SuperCuts pictures on your cell phone
On March 3, 2005 @ 10:45 a.m. I had a weird call…this is how it went
Guy: can you hear me?
Guy: was i breaking up?
Guy: ok can you hear me now?
Guy: ok do you have any questions you had for me?
I hang up.
A minute later, phone rings again. Nothing is said either from my way or his way. I just leave it in silence, he probably thinks its breaking up again.
I just hang up again. I’m hoping this guy will just figure out he’s been calling the wrong number
I wrote this in what seems like 2004, or thereabouts, while sliding cell phones were the new thing, and just came out. My sister wanted a slider cell phone and we were looking to upgrade our phones relatively soon. The following is an account of what had happened:
Well the whole reason behind the cell phone upgrade thing in the first place is because my sister’s cell phone didn’t have the screen working anymore, cause she dropped on the cement.
Anyhow, my mom spent an hour today at her lunch break finding out about all the stuff.
Today after she got home, we spent about 2 hours to go and look at phones, me, my sister, my mom, and my sister’s friend came along too
While we were there, we were lookin at all the phones, and then when the sales guy came over to talk to us, he said that if we upgrade to “GSM” we’d have to replace all of our phones, which were “TDMA.”
My sister wanted a “slider” phone, especially one that she had “seen on MTV.”
My mom was fine with her phone, the TDMA one, she didn’t really care to upgrade, it was for my sister that we were there in the first place.
So we have to all upgrade to the GSM system, which means getting new phones and paying for them. Through the course of my sister’s constant blabbering about a slider phone she saw on MTV that she couldn’t describe, she asked if one of the computers at the front desk had internet access.
The guy said yes, and then she said “go to sliderphone.com.” Which is pretty stupid in itself.
So, getting 4 new phones is a lot of money, if each of them is like 100-150 dollars each. The slider phone that my sister wanted is like 200 or something. And we find out that it isn’t even FOR AT&T (which is what we have), but for Verizon only. So the whole thing was pretty stupid after having spent so much time discussing about her stupid slider phone.
So then my mom asks the guy more questions, and then she writes down some phone and model numbers of what we are probably going to decide on getting.
Of course, my sister, being unsatisfied, was pushing my mom so that she could get a slider phone.
She was like “is it possible if you 3 were on AT&T and I was on verizon?” Stupid things like that.
And it finally got to the point that my mom got really mad at her, because my sister constantly kept pushing her to get the goddamn slider phone.
Before she got really mad though, my mom was going to check out Verizon and see if it was a better deal. If it wasn’t, she wasn’t going to do it, because she was happy with AT&T. The only reason she would switch to Verizon would be for the costs, and also because we get shitty reception here for ATT.
SO, we get home, and then my sister doesn’t thank my mom at all, and just goes into her room.
My mom says “you don’t even say thank you for me having to spend so much time for doing all this?”
My sister doesn’t say anything and just closes the door to her room.
Even after my mom told her to say thank you, my sister didn’t say thank you. Which is real bad because, basically, you do what you’re told when it comes to the parents telling us stuff to do.
Later on, about half an hour later I say thank you to my mom for “offering me to be able to have my phone upgraded.”
Also, later, I found out the reason why my sister doesn’t say thank you later on when my sister went out to the living room to talk to her. She said its because she “doesn’t like being told to say thank you, she wanted to do it later” like that would really make it better, which it didn’t, it just made it worse cause she waited so long.
And then my mom and my sister talk blah blah blah, and then my sister says “well, why doesn’t david have to say thank you?” and then my mom said “he already did. Its YOU the reason why I’m doing all this anyhow. If I told David he couldn’t get an upgrade, he would just say ‘ok’ and not care. But with YOU, you just have to keep on pushing and pushing.”
And then they hug, and that seems like it may be the end of it.
But it isn’t.
They talk some more, and they travel over to my sister’s room, and when they finish talking, my sister mutters something like “i don’t understand why I can’t get a slider phone” or something like that as she goes into her room.
And that did it for my mom, she started yelling at her saying that she was spoiled, and she couldn’t get everything she wanted, blah blah blah.
So then, my mom left and then closed her door, waiting outside her room to see if she would say anything.
Guess what happens. My sister starts CRYING. It wasn’t loud, but she was crying.
And then my mom goes back into her room and says “what is WRONG with you? You’re FOURTEEN, you don’t NEED a cell phone, let alone a slider phone” blah blah blah blah, and then it ends up with my mom basically saying “you’re spoiled, you pushed me so much with this stupid slider phone thing, I’m gonna punish you by taking your cell phone away. For a year.”
My mom leaves the room, and then she starts crying even more. Me and my mom are just standing outside the room, and I’m laughing because she’s crying over a stupid phone.
Just when my mom is about to walk away, my sister says something like “fuck” and something else, and then my mom goes back into her room and says “did you just curse??” and then more talking, and then she says “here’s your fucking phone. dammit” and then she throws it back onto my sister’s bed.
My sister probably pouts for another half an hour or something at this point.
She doesn’t come out to say sorry or anything to my mom. My mom had to have me CALL her over to my mom.
She gave her a lecture about how she isn’t looking at it in perspective, because its “JUST A PHONE” and she talks about how she spent a lot of her time today trying to figure out what we were going to do with our phone plans.
Then my mom asks her why its so important.
“Why is it so important to you? Is it a STATUS SYMBOL or something? Is it going to make you popular or something? Are people gonna talk about how you’re the only one in the whole school who has a slider phone ‘hey did you hear Kristin has a slider phone, boy she’s so cool’? It doesn’t make SENSE that i have to go through all of this just because of a phone.”
Then my mom says “the only reason I would THINK about changing companies is if it was a better deal, not so that I could get you a slider phone. And even if I did, there’s no guarantee I would get you one”
blah blah blah more talking and then my mom says “are we done talking about this?” my sister says “yes” and then goes back into her room
A seemingly revolving theme is my sister always wanting a cell phone that is cool or what someone else doesn’t want. More recently, when we were upgrading our phones again she wanted the Motorola Q Black or something like that. A 500 dollar phone which also requires a data plan which we don’t even have. Dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.
Tagged People: sisterpoobond